Not Far From The Tree...

My mom recently let me know that I needed to start paying off my student loan. Because I had no idea that I'd be after I graduated, I used my parent's address on the loan paperwork. The loan agency that I used seems to have a hard time tracking me down. Rather than just let me know, she sent me a rather amusing run-down of how the conversation went. The following passage has been edited for grammar and punctuation.

The xxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx, more commonly know as your school loan, needs your address. I called them because they said you need to start paying them. This is our conversation. I am not making this up.

ME: You are sending Jared's mail payment forms to me. Here is his new address. (I gave them your full name and address)

Them: Do you know his social Security number?

Me: NO, he's an adult now and I don't have it. You could look it up using his name.

Them: No, we can't. We need his number.

Me: So I could get a loan using a number with a made up name and you would bill that poor person without checking to see if the name matched the number.

Them: Silence...

Me: If you want your money please look up his loan number.

Them: We can't.

Me: You have his name, don't you know what his number is? I don't want his Social Security number, I don't want his loan number, all I want to do is to give you his address so you can mail the bill to him.

Them: NO, we need his name and social security number or his loan number.

Me: Didn't he give his social to you and didn't you give him a loan based on his good name.

Them: Silence...

Me: Well this has been fun, I'll let him know but his payment might be late since you can't find him, that shouldn't be a problem should it?

Them: (Silence...) Let him know we need his payment before xx/xx/06.

Me: I love red tape, when you stop hitting your head against the wall it feels so good.


SOO.. If you don't want the nasty but stupid men in black knocking at your door call toll free (use their dime it will serve them right) 1-877-xxx-xxxx or go on line at www.xxxxx.org. Let the misbegotten know where you are.

I called the number and sure enough, they won't accept calls from Guam. Do they want my number or not.

While musing at the events, I noticed that this email sent to me was exactly the stuff that my blogs are made of. I always used to think (and hope) that I was adopted. Apparently, I'm at least partly related to at least one of my parents after all. Who knew?

You Know You've Been A Bachelor Too Long When...

...you have lived in a place for four months and still haven't finished unpacking.

...the first thing you do when you get home is shed your clothes where you stand and walk around the rest of the day in your underwear.

...you spot a dead cockroach on your floor and decide to leave it there so you can see how long it takes the ants to carry it all away.

...all of your friends the same age as you have families, so you have to trade them in for people born after The Simpsons was on TV.

...you have a stereo system that would blow the ticks off a dog's back, a brand new DVD player, CD player and projector, but only have one plate, knife, fork, spoon and two cups in your kitchen...and they are always dirty in the sink.

...you see no reason why an old CD won't make a perfect beer coaster.

...you don't know what a collender is, and even if you did, you wouldn't know why you'd need one.

...you've never gotten to roll your eyes and say, "Yes, Dear..."

...rather than fantasize about women, you fantasize about home cooked meals.

...you use tuna cans to replace legs on broken furniture.

...the tuna can couch leg breaks open and leaks and you still use it.

...you consider getting a cat.

...you count using shampoo and splashing the sides as "cleaning your shower."

...people younger than you are trying to set you up with dates.

...it's time to change you bedsheets when you start waking up with bites on your legs.

...you don't think twice about going to the movie theaters alone.

...all of your groceries need to be in the freezer and your refrigerator only has soda pop cans in it.

...you say, "Bros before hos" and actually start to believe it.

...rather than clean your toilet bowl, you just aim your pee at the dirty looking spots.

...you have three laundry piles: one for whites, one for colors, and one for clothes you think you could get away with wearing again, and again, and again, until they don't pass your "smell" test.

...cutting your hair you have to guess on the back of the head because you don't have a small mirror and there is no woman with a compact to lend you one.

...you'd rather be golfing.

...taking stinky trash out feels like too much work, so you just move it to a further away room.

...you would rather have your apartment burn to the ground than have a someone dent your new car.

...you wonder if your biological clock is ticking...or it's digital.

...most people close to or the same age as you can't think of anything to talk to you about since you don't have a family.

...going to a party is something you try to avoid since you know you'll be there alone or you would have to make yourself the third wheel to some couple.

...you are used to being that third wheel.

...you start to forget what it is like to kiss someone.

...you sit at home alone on a Saturday night to blog about being a pathetic bachelor.


Yeah, I think it's official. I have been a bachelor for WAY too long.