What is That Between My Legs? Is That A...

This journey that has been my weight loss has been filled with adventure, twists and turns. Things I never saw coming continue to surprise and occasionally delight me. Today one such event occured. As I was doing a round of sit-ups--as I often do now--I paused in mid-crunch to look at Anna across the room as she was speaking to me. I realized that I was able to see her... from between my thighs. Is that...? Can it...? Could it possibly be true?

Yes! For the first time since in utero, I have a thigh gap. I hadn't thought it was metaphysically possible, yet there is was. In all of its negative spacial glory. I'm now the proud owner of my very own thigh gap. Oh, how the other guys at the gym will be so jealous.

But now as I write this, I realize this is a bit of a responsibility I am not prepared for. What do I do with a thigh gap? How do I take care of it? Do you feed a thigh gap? If so, what? Or does feeding it actually kill it? So many unanswered questions. I've said this before and I'll say it again, "Where is a supermodel when you need one?" If anyone is well qualified to answer my litany of questions they are.

I suppose I better stop blogging and get onto Google to find out more about thigh gap nurturing. It's too late for "What to Expect When You're Gap-ing." I better jump straight to "On Becoming Gap-wise." 

"I Want My Dirty Dirty Diaper..."

Kids never cease to amaze parents. Here's an example from our recent trip to Japan. While there, Benji decided he could no longer be saddled with clean diapers. It's sort of like how you become attached to those favorite blue jeans way after they are worn out...



Next time, I will be wearing a diaper, too. That way I can give him my leftover dirty dirty diaper...

"A" For Effort, "F" for Flour

Today Anna tried a flour-free pancake recipe. In case you were wondering, flour is very much an essential ingredient to a good pancake...

The Ultimate Territory Marking...

I have a few guilty pleasures. One of which is that I actually listen to NPR once a week. On Monday morning in Guam, they replay a news/quiz/game show called "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me."

This week, they had Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon, as a guest. At one point, he was asked what was the first thing he did once on the moon. I assumed it was something like marking our territory by planting the US flag. Well, I was right in one sense.

According to Aldrin, once they could, the first thing he did was urinate on the moon and empty the urine tanks. Its astounding to me that the first thing we do as a species that has conquered such a technological milestone is to engage in the primal urge to mark our territory.

Thanks to the dehydrated asparagus we fed our astronauts, the Russians instinctively found themselves incapable of landing near our turf on the moon.

Oh, the rich jokes that can be made from this revelation. Amazingly, not one of the comedians on the show made a witty retort regarding this. How could they be handed such a great setup on a silver patter and let it pass them by? Perhaps our tax dollars funding NPR are going to waste after all...

Top 10 Ways You Know Your Backyard is Overgrown...

These are the top 10 ways you know your backyard is overgrown:

"Amber Waves of Grain" shouldn't describe most yards...

10. At least one Brazilian soccer team has been lost there.

9. Every time you mow your lawn you find a car.

8. JJ Abrams (LOST, Star Trek Into Darkness) and Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit) argue over filming rights on your property.

7. A David Letterman staff writer offers to write a top ten list about it for you.

6. It's no longer exciting when a new species is discovered in your lawn.

5. If you attempt to tame it, forget eye protection, you need life insurance.

4. An unknown tribe of pygmies is filmed throwing spears at helicopters passing by.

3. When you pull up to Home Depot looking for day workers to help maintain it, they pretend they don't see you.
2. You have to explain to your wife how you lost your daughter while playing "Hide and go seek."

1. You have to kick Bear Grylls and his camera crew out...again! (Not to mention his better looking relative, Bunny Grylls.)

Running Does Not Run in Our Family...

A dark and closely guarded family secret was recently exposed to the light of day. Apparently, my father lettered in a sport in high school. That's innocuous enough. However, he lettered in, get this, Shuffleboard!

In the 40+ years that my mom has known my father, she was under the impression that he earned his letter from marching band. I suppose my dad was happy to let her think that. One must be pretty ashamed of lettering in anything else when marching band is a more attractive alternative.

I thankfully can hold my head high in the knowledge that I lettered in something much more physically demanding, intellectually stimulating and above all, masculine. My extra curricular activity surpasses the derogation of monikers like "pig skin," "hoops" or even "America's past time." It practically stepped out of a Norman Rockwell painting with a slice of apple pie in its hands. Indeed, it personifies macho Americana. Yes, you guessed it: Drama...

Best Birth Control Scam Ever...

So, this week Anna came up to me and said she had a special Christmas gift for me. I could tell by her tone that I was not going to like it. She pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me to read. Being a doctor's note, it was nearly illegible. I was able to make out one word: "intercourse." Anna helped fill in the blanks. Basically, Anna handed me a doctor's note excusing her from "intercourse." I guess the days of "I have a headache" are behind us. Now it's a proven medical necessity.

I instinctively laughed at first. Then it sunk in, this was real. Wait... real? Really real? Yes.

It turns out Anna had just had an injection of birth control. Due to the injections, she cannot have intercourse or she runs the risk of being pregnant. That's when this amazing dichotomy struck me.

"You mean to tell me, that you were just given birth control, to keep you from getting pregnant. But as a result of this birth control, you cannot have intercourse, or you run the risk of getting pregnant?" She confirmed.

It seems to me that any form of birth control that only works while you are abstinent is... genius! Why didn't I think of that? I should be out there selling this product. Any concerned parent of a high schools age child would be interested in this product, if it worked. It clearly has a market. After all, my wife jumped at the chance to get it. She was so excited by the prospect that she had the doctor change the note from, "no intercourse for 3 weeks" to "no intercourse for 4 weeks." Hmm....was that really necessary? So much for a romantic anniversary tonight...

Pick Moe Cotton...

I don't know much about Moe Cotton, but he's got my attention now...

Go out and vote!!! (Unless you are this person)

PETA Is Right, Animals Are Smarter Than Humans...

I just hope she's not a registered voter...

Lost In Translation...I Hope...

Saw this sign in Hong Kong. Not sure exactly what they mean, and I'm not sure I want to...

The Patron Saint of Bendy Straws...

Guam is a very Catholic island. I didn't grow up in a Catholic community so I'm still learning a lot about all of the holidays and numerous patron saints. One I'm still trying to figure out is St. Andrew, who, as far as I can tell, is the patron saint of bendy straws. Am I misinterpreting this sculpture somehow...?

Handi-Kids...

Parking for Handicapped Children Only...

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Politics...

"The major problem - one of the major problems, for there are several - one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.
To summarize: it is a well known fact, that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem." - The Resturant At The End Of The Universe

I'm voting for Douglas Adams in 2012...

The good news: Anna made her own yogurt at home. The bad news: She used Maia's rectal thermometer to gauge the temperature...

Maia: A Day in the Life...

Sometimes Maia does things that look like only an adult should do, like read the newspaper, text, Yoga and so on. So, I filmed some and put this fun little video together. Enjoy!

Sometimes I Feel Like, Someone Is Watching Me...

How do you know when the Feds are just outside spying on you? Here's an easy way to tell. Using any wi-fi enabled device, search for available networks. If you see "FBI Surveillance Van" you might just wonder what the nonchalant flower delivery truck across the street is up to.
And best of all, the network isn't even secured, so you may get some free internet access out of it...

Special Formula...

Now that I have a baby, I find myself in isles of the grocery store I never visited before. On my last visit I found a special kind of baby formula.



We have a phrase here for things like this, "O-I-G!" That stands for "Only In Guam" and is quite apropos here.

Take It From Me...

When on the road, don't mix up the travel shaving cream with the travel toothpaste. Minty fresh face, bad taste in your mouth.

A Segway to the Afterlife...

I just read that owner of the famous Segway product died...by driving his off a cliff.

I know that most people incorrectly use the term "ironic" frequently. But, I think this may qualify, whether it actually is defined as ironic or not.

"Segway...Simply Moving"...but not so simple stopping...

Super Maia Operation...

When I was young I liked the game Operation. Remember that one? Its the one where to have to carefully remove plastic bones without touching the sides of the holes.

Then my mom finally got me a Nintemdo. I played a lot of video games. And I was pretty good, too. I got so good at Super Mario Bros on NES that I could hold down the "run" button and have Mario race through each and every course at full speed. I would quickly get the fireball flower and would never get hit once all the way through the last castle in all 8 worlds.

I have aged and find myself playing much less games than before. But my skill with fine motor skill is still blessing my life. Case and point: Maia at bed time.

This girl is a light sleeper. She can fall asleep in her crib, but not always and not without some tears. The quickest way to get her unconscious is to hold her. And that works great. But, then comes my masterful eye-hand skills. Putting this light sleeper back down into crib without waking her up is harder than lifting a plastic thigh bone in a sea of metal contacts.

And the stakes are higher. Like Operation, should we fail, there are loud noises to ensure all know of your failure.

Unlike the game, you can't laugh and go on after a mistake. You must start over. My ability to compete Super Mario Bros in one take has trained me well.

I'm getting pretty good at this. Today in church Anna put Maia to sleep but was to leery of putting her back into the car seat. I cracked my knuckles, hummed the Mario theme and pictured myself holding Maia with tweezers and lowering her into the car seat without letting her arms touch the sides. I came out victorious.

I think all expecting parents should be required to fulfill a quota of play time on video games prior to delivery. It worked for me. And to think, my mom thought I was wasting my time playing all of those games. It turns out she should have encoraged me to play more. After all, I've never once needed geometry since I graduated. So much time wasted in my youth spent reading and studying...