Astronaut...

"I can't stop this feeling
Deep inside of me
Girl you just don't realize
What you do to me

Your lips are sweet as candy
The taste is on my mind
You just keep my thirsty
For another cup of wine ...

I-I, I'm hooked on a feeling
I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me

I said I'm hooked on a feeling... "
- Hooked on a Feeling by Vonda Shepard

I just caught this article. Now that is interesting. The Readers Digest version of it is that NASA will be giving out serializing chemicals to astronauts to keep down them pesky sexual urges they have. I really didn't realize that they had that kind of problem.

"...One Russian cosmonaut about time spent cooped up in the Mir space station that 'when you have two people locked up in a very small environment for months at a time, all the conditions for murder are met.' Mix in sex, and you almost have the script of Othello in space." I imagine he means except for the eloquent prose and the token black guy.

How about this idea, HIRE PEOPLE WITH MORAL INTEGRITY. Heck, how hard can it be for these guys? I'm 24 now and still counting. They are worried about an astronaut for 3 years! I've been home from my mission for that length of time. Heck, I'm like a sex camel.

I could be the next Neil Armstrong. Maybe there is an idea for NASA there. I can see it now, "Average Joe Astronaut". Ashamedly, The Simpsons already thought of that in the episode Deep Space Homer.

Still, this may be the shot I need. And if I was an astronaut, I'd be able to get all kinds of chicks...but then I couldn't do anything about it...hmm...I may have to go back to the drawing board on this one.

Hawaiian Royalty...

"Hey! My mom says that I'm not fat, I'm festively plump!"
- Eric Cartman from South Park

As I mentioned earlier, BYU-Hawaii is under construction. One of the things they are doing is beautifying the road leading to the temple. A tradition in Hawaii is to line the paths to sacred or special places of significance with the Royal Palm. Some one asked me the other day what was a Royal Palm as contrasted to a Non-Royal Palm. They are easily recognizable as a palm tree, and I am pretty sure that they don't produce usable coconuts. The thing that makes them unique is that the center of the trunk has a little bulge. It simply has a wider section in the middle. That's when it hit me. The very thing that makes a Royal Palm royal is the key reason why many girls seem to be less attracted to me - the bulge in the middle.

I shouldn't be left out or looked down upon. I also shouldn't (as Fei informed me I do) intimidate all the Asian girls because I am so much larger than them. The fact of the matter is, I'm not fat, plump or "big boned". No I, Jared Bodine, am ROYAL!

Hawaiian Royalty

Hubmling times at BYU-High...

Little known fact: The "H" in BYU-H does not actually stand for "Hawaii". That misconception comes from the fact that it happens to be in Hawaii. It really stands for "High". This is high school more of intrinsic nature more than anything else.

One example is Ben. He was a great guy that I hung out with a bit. Never enough though. He was selling nearly everything he owned as he was moving home to England and would not be able to take it with him. I offered some money to buy his Mini DV camcorder. He had another friend who also wanted to buy it. Long story short, I out bit him and got the camera. Since that time, that friend has been giving the cold shoulder to both Ben and me. I still get to enjoy the high school enemy angered looks while Ben is across the pond.

I also lost a friend who was dubbed as my "shadow" this semester. I liked having Jake around, it was nice to have a person always available. He was a fungi. (Oh, your reading this, aren't you. Oh well, I still stand by it.) He was stuck in high school. He told me so many stories of his school that I knew more about his than mine. He will be leaving on a mission soon. I wish him all the luck I can. (And the same to the world that will be getting him...)

My ex (Fei) is back on campus and is much closer, but at the same time, is much more distant than before. It became evident quickly that with the three of us, Fei, Mark and I were a crowd. The only question was which one was the third wheel. In a way, both us guys were. I told Fei that I suspected that they would cave in to the chemical reaction and get back together. It was not too much later that Fei proved me better at analyzing relationships than I had thought I was. I think my reaction was much like this:
"A-HA! I WAS RIGHT!...oh, man...I was right...dang."
I know that Fei will read this and perhaps Mark and others. Regardless, I'll be Susan (I Don't do Frank well). This may sound like sour grapes, but it's not. He is wrong for Fei. Moreso, they are wrong for each other. Yet, I remain aloof. I stand backstage watching Fei stand in the spotlight. I fear that she has forgotten her lines. Some time ago I was re-cast into a different play. I stay in the shadow and wait for my next cue. I've seen better high school productions of "Romeo and Juliet". At least I don't have to watch the whole thing - I know how it ends.

Then we have Jessica. We have both been quite busy lately and have not seen much of each other. It's funny how on a small campus you can see everyone you DON'T want to and completely miss the ones you are looking out for. In some way, the atmosphere between us has changed. We handle it in true high school fashion: talk about it with other friends and not to those involved, especially each other. I suppose it does not matter much anyway, since she is leaving soon for good - a prime high school reaction from me. She will also be serving a mission. I would love to see her get called to the same mission as Jake...er...Elder Tanner.

Most everyone else I associate with is graduating, moving or just going to another school. It's the same difference either way. I remain.

One bright light in the distance is my upcoming trip to Europe. I think that at this point, I will not be taking my wife with me, seeing as how I have yet to meet her. I told girls that I would be going with my siblings and all the spouses and suddenly became that much more attractive. I assume that they would all change their mind once it came time for the honeymoon night. Still, I have heard worse pickup lines in the halls. That is another thing that does not get better with the mind expanding experience that is college.

In the angst of my teenage youth, I was once told by many who acted as my voice of reason that high school didn't last forever. That one didn't.

The faucet of life that I have yet to figure out is this: At what point does one stop trading one high school for another and take that last final, stroll along that last empty corridor, and complete that terminal commencement walk?

Living In Laie...

Richard: So, Donna, do you miss Rome?
Donna: Oh, no. All that traffic and noise and pollution, and rude people.
Richard: Oh, I can see why you moved to New York.
- Caroline In the City (1995)

I live in a place that is constantly under some form of construction by loud apathetic people. Morning, noon and night!

Last December they put up the Christmas tree like usual, but this time it was off to the side instead of the center of the Little Circle. This is because they wanted to start construction on it. It was only a small bit of work on the small circle and a new smaller circle leading into the small circle that leads also into the big circle (I'm confused too). It's still under construction.

Last year every morning about 15 minutes before my alarm was to go off, the dump truck would bang into dumpster loudly and repetitively. And the amazing thing is that I had a different schedule every day of the week, but they still knew when. This year, if and or when I ever have a nap, they mow the lawn about 6 laps each day for the small 3 foot run of grass.

It's odd that for some reason someone on campus finds a need to have some sort of gas powered something running at any given hour.

Another frustration I have with living here is the power supply. It seems that for some reason I can't go for a whole week without the power going out at least once. I have gotten to the point where I can set my clocks in :30 secs flat in the dark and while half asleep. When I went home last year after a semester here, my clocks were still set there!

This morning I woke up to find my computer forcibly shut off and my clocks blinking noon. What woke me up was the wood chipper outside my window. I come to find out that some employees are outside the Hale randomly shutting off different circuits to find out which ones affect which places. Why trust the labels they mad LAST WEEK when they did it for a few days? Did they even realize that people have finals today? I could have had a final at 8am that I could have missed because my alarm didn't go off. I'm sure others did.

I go to the Caf just before they close and see the work they are doing outside my room They have this big diesel truck idling loudly with a wood chipper attached. They are in a cherry picker trimming a palm tree that is only 5 feet tall. They have to duck a bit to keep their heads from being swallowed in the leaves. Rather than just standing on the ground, they stay in the cherry picker just off the ground (it makes them feel big). Also, it makes more noise and uses more gas. When I get back, they (yes, it takes 2 in the picker) are still in there and the diesel truck is still in park, but running in hopes of draining our supply of gasoline.

I swear, if there is any shortage of gas in the islands, 95% of the usage will be traced back to BYU-Hawaii.

You want to know why Hawaii is always 75 degrees, even in the winter? No, it' s not the equator, its the greenhouse effect! This place was once a winter wonderland.

So, I guess my dad was right about shutting the door when the air conditioner was on. We wasted so much energy that we turned Arizona into a sweltering desert...

My Ex Is Back...

My ex is back and there's gonna be some trouble,
Hey na, Hey na. My ex is back.
- Adaptaton of My Boyfreinds Back by The Angles

Ya, so Fei is back in the islands. I had my newly aquired camera with me so I filmed her comming out of baggage claim. I had made a Ti leaf lei for her the night before so I layed her right there in the airport and gave her an aloha kiss on the cheek. If you are not from the islands, you might read into that. Its cusotom to do that. Then we hauled her tons of baggage to Lehua's car (she was our ride). For a small girl, Fei has some big luggage! Her bags weighed MUCH more than she ever could soaking wet.

Those who know, know about the interesting dynamic with her being my ex (now friend) and another ex of hers here on campus who lives in my dorm, Mark. We get to campus, check her in and go right to the Caf where we run into him. So, at the lunch table was me, Mark and Fei, with other friends such as Jake, Shem and Lehua. Although both Mark and I had dated Fei and she was sitting with us, it wasn't as odd as one would have guessed. Maybe if that situation ever happens again, I'll ask Fei who was a better kisser...
She'd probably say Mark whether it was the case for not just to spite me for asking. But the mood would change.

So ya, my Ex is back and we are hanging out tonight. It's not as odd as I would have guessed, but it is different. Funny how much things can change between the same people in such a realitively short time. In no time I guess that she will not be seeing much of me as she starts to date a lot. I would probably not see her much either if I were to date again as well.

For now, there isn't any trouble, far less than I'd have imagined. Still, she just got here and drama needs time to build. This should play out to some big show. I can't see this just fizzling out with such potential...

Your Simpsons quote of the week...

Seymore Skinner (Dressed like Catwoman): "At least I went down like a man."

Mother: "You look like a Malaysian transexual."

Having known enough Malayisans at this point...she's right. I want to get an audio copy for Fei. :-)

Hot...or Not...?

"I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat. I'm too sexy for my...pussy cat."
- Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy

So, I have taken the plunge! I have decided to post my pic on the popular and debasing Hot Or Not.com. And to think, I usually make fun of people who do it. I guess you could say it's an expirement. If you are really curious as to how I am doing or if you just want to get me a ton of "1"s, click here.

I also decided to post other friends of mine on there, but not to thier knowledge. If you know me or my circle of friends, you might see one of them on the site...ain't I a stinker!?

Comments Anyone...?

I have decided to prove my point about no one being interested enough in my blogs to make a comment by putting a comment link on the bottom of each new post. If you put something there, I'll read it and it could make a good conversation. But it also could be a waste of time. Prove me wrong!!!

Let's just play it by ear...

S-M-R-T...

"I am so smart, I am so smart. S-M-R-T...I mean S-M-A-R-T..."
- Homer Simpson in Homer goes back to college

For my loyal blog readers, you might know that I used that same quote last semester to brag about my good grades. I even had a 109% in one class. This semseter things are different. I have a 97% in a computer class. I even have an "A" in my Accounting class which I hate. But I stung hard, by my stupid Discrete Math class. I wasn't kidding as much as I thought I was when I said that it was just a subtle way to fail me.

I realized that the only way I could turn this around and not make this totally destroy my weaking 4.0 GPA was to re-take it. But in the infinate wisdom of BYU-Hawaii administration, a student cannot take a class over unless he gets a D+ or lower. At first I thought that would not be a problem for me. Turns out that sometimes I am just a smidge too smart! I took a test that I didn't try too hard for, but ended up getting a good grade. A grade that made it so I might get a "C"! I'm already signed up for the class, I can get a "B" or maybe a low "A" if I retake it, so I can't risk that.

I actually went to the teacher to see how close to a "C" I could get without actually getting one. We decided I need to stop doing any homework. Man, that's ruff. I also need to take the next to finals, but not do any better than a low "B". I think I can do that.

You never know how much you cannot acheive until you fail to try. And they say you never learn valuable life lessons in college...

Heavy...

"So long we go, his welfare is my concern
no burdon is he to bear, we'll get there
But I know he would not encumber me
He ain't heavy - he's my brother"
- The Hollies (1970)

I subcribe to the "LDS Gems" mailing list. I get emailed every day with a thought of some kind to keep me from doing something dastardly. Today it looked like an everyday message untill I read the last line. I wondered if it was a joke...

"Your most important friendships should be with your own brothers and
sisters and with your father and mother. Love your family. Be loyal to
them. Have a genuine concern for your brothers and sisters. Help carry
their load so you can say, like the lyrics of that song, 'He ain't heavy;
he's my brother.'"

(Ezra Taft Benson, "To the 'Youth of the Noble Birthright,' " Ensign,
May 1986, 43.)

Ezra Taft Benson knew the hippie song, "He Ain't Heavy" by the Hollies and quoted it? Man, I don't think the kids of 1986 would even know that song anyway. I didn't. Makes you wonder if one year Hinkley will get up at the podium and read the words to the Black Eyed Peas song, "Where Is the Love?" or speak to missionaires and quote, "Shake ya tail feather" by P.Diddy and Nelly. That'll be fun.

Now THAT Is Love...

This quote is only about 6 months from before Sister Hinkley died. I have speculated at times that I was in love. Maybe I was. But it was pre-mature at best. Nothing as deep or profound as this:

"I am so grateful for her. For 66 years we have walked together, hand in
hand, with love and encouragement, with appreciation and respect. It cannot
be very long before one of us will step through the veil. I hope the other
will follow soon. I just would not know how to get along without her, even
on the other side, and I would hope that she would not know how to get
along without me."

(Gordon B. Hinckley, "To the Women of the Church," Ensign, Nov. 2003,
115)

I hope that right now Pres. Hinkley can carry on and that Sister Hinkley knows how.

The Axe Effect...

Experience the "Axe Effect"!
- Axe body deodorant spray commercials

So, I wanted some good cologne. I want to smell good so when girls walk by me they think, "Hmmm, yummy." Right now, they don't. I decided to try this new Axe body spray. If you go to the store and spray it in the air and take a whiff, it's pretty good stuff. I spray it on. It's body spray, so you spray it on your chest and arms and unmentionables. After about five minuets the "Axe Effect" is all but gone.

In the commercials the girls just loose all control around the guy and start forcing a make out session on him. I'm not saying that I want that (necessarily), but that is pretty far off. I don't usually expect advertising to be totally accurate, but I was hoping for at least a pleasant scent all day. No dice.

They really should put a disclaimer on the commercials that's more accurate. Like, "Results may vary (and not for the better. This is the absolute best case scenario, and given the fact that you need this product, it will not happen to a guy like you. That guy is an actor and she is getting paid. Save the money on this product and just pay a girl to kiss you. She won't be much of a looker, but we are confident that a man like yourself has low standards as it is. ) Not for internal use. Induce vomiting if accidentally ingested (unless you realize that this product won't help your pathetic love life and choose to end it all. Then you want to buy 3 bottles all of different fragrances. There were designed to cat like mustard gas when mixed for this reason.)"

The Axe Effect = Eating mac and cheese alone on a Friday night.

"Worst episode ever..."
- Comic Book Guy in The Simpsons

I just got sent this story from Jessica. Now THIS could be my new bible...well, it won't replace my actual scriptures. Maybe I'll call this "Another Whitness of the Simpsons". Check it out.

"Seeing life from an eternal perspective helps us focus our limited mortal energies on the things that matter most. "
— Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin from Ensign, May 1998

I just heard the news. Sister Hinkley died nearly an hour ago. Her health was mentioned in conference by Pres. Hinkley. Here I whine about not getting dates and the prophet of the church has lost the love of his life (and beyond). Thank God for the concept of eternal relationships. He will be with her again, but not in mortality. I'm sure that he can think back to how greateful he was just to have her while he did.

Sister Hinkley

I guess I should be thankful for what it is that I have while I still have it.

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
- Dave Barry in 1997


Now is a great time of improvment for everyone...around me. I know a ton of people who are getting married. I have a bunch of friends leaving to go home or to school elsewhere, leaving me with a limited number of friends. Many other friends of mine are going on missions. Watching everybody move along in life makes me wonder why I'm standing still. But it does bring me back to my yester-years to see all of my friends get ready for the mish. and getting calls.

One friend (Nathan Benson) got his call this last saturday. He got his call to the Itally Milan Mission. How cool is that? He'll be tracting in a gondola. "Bap-tize - a - mia!"
Another freind (Lehua Deckert) has had er papers in for 5 weeks now and still has not got a responce. She's going nuts waiting.
Yet another freind (Jake Tanner) is still getting toghether his paper work. He's close to sending them in.
One other freind (Jessica Monson) is now just in the thick of of preperation. She was lucky enough today to have her physical. When I ran into her today she looked like she had been viloated. I asked her if she felt the guy should have bought her dinner first. She nodded. Jake on the other hand got a few physicals...We think he's addicted.

I think it's ironic that they require such events for leaving missionaries when the same act done by any other person would be the very thing keeping you from going.

Still, it's been a while since I have had a physical. I haven't even had my lips looked at in...well, it's going on a year. I think it's time for a check up.

...I wonder if Dr. Jellyfingers is still our family practishioner?

Stop Me If You Have Heard This One...

Laie is like an island within an island. Especially when it comes to jokes.

Yesterday I heard this one:

So, a guy walks into work with two black eyes. It looks so bad the boss takes notice. He asks the guy what happened.
"Well, before I came here I went to the bank. Infront of me in line was this big lady wearing stretch pants. She was pretty large and she had a wedgie real bad. So, I thought the best thing to do would be to pick it out real quick and not make an issue of it. She got mad and punched me right in the eye."
"Ya, ok. But what about the other eye?"
"Oh, well, I thought since she wanted it like that I'd put it back in for her."

Ya, it's not a bad one....the first few times you hear it. The last time I heard it was the worst yet. It was so poorly told we analyzed the effectiveness of the joke.

"It was an ok, joke. You got laughs because the joke quality, not delivery. Delivery is 90% of any joke."

"So, out of the four people here, three people laughed. That makes it 75%!"

"Ya, but one was you, the joke teller, which don't count, so only 2 of 3 laughed. That's a yield of 66.6-repeating %."

"Considering that only 10% of the joke was effective that is a good investment."

"No, you didn't tell it well, but you believed in the joke which is a big part, about 50% of available pointage. Fifty percent of 90 would be about 45%. That means about 45% for delivery and 10% for joke. I bet you could have told it worse, let's say an extra 5% on delivery for getting the facts straight. That makes a 60% hillarium total joke and a 66.6-repeating % return. All in all, you made out with a 6.6-repeating % gain on the venture. So, Kudos. That joke is a keeper. If you were to put more effort into the joke and got the other person to laugh, you'd have 100% laugh and would be sure to make your intake worth the output."

"Ya, It's a keeper."

"But barely..."

I know - you think I made this up. I didn't. We really did have this conversation. I did the math. And what's more pathetic, the whole time I was thinking, "this is so sorry I could turn it into a blog."

My life is sad....so very sad....

April Fool...

"Here at KFYI we are celebrating April Fools with Jared who is in the master control room...Jared is on the other side of the glass wearing a court jesters hat looking like a complete moron... It looks like Jared has been involuntarily inducted to the 'Virgin For Life Club'."
- Barry Young on April 1, 2002

Well, Barry's words live to haunt me, two years later and he's not wrong. I almost fooled some people into thinking that I had broken that curse. Since December both my family and Jessica's had been absolutely convinced that something was going on between us. I don't know how many times we had to tell them that there was nothing there. Finally I thought that I should give them what they wanted. It just so happened that a friend had his photographer father in town, Del Benson. We had him take some pics and make up invites for us (and the photo on the top right of this blog). He got all the information he needed. He asked what date to put. I thought some date in the future would be nice. Jessica insisted on some date that was a bit too close. Also, she didn't really look into it and it happened to be on a day where there are no weddings at the temple we said we were using. I didn't care too much, I figured that I just wanted them to freak out, not go wild with making reservations and the like.

My family was a sinch. All I had to do was say that there was nothing going on. They have really learned to trust me over the years. Two weeks ago I almost talked about other girls on the phone to my sister, I had to stop - realizing that the joke would be spoiled. Instead I spoke of Jessica. I only said that we spend a lot of time together (true) and that we haven't taken any official steps yet (also true). Then my sister says, "Oh my gosh. You to have kissed haven't you?"
"No."
"Yes you have, I can tell."
"Why would I lie about it?"
"I don't know, you just are."
"Whatever."
See how easy it is to fool my family?

Then you have Jessica's family. My family is not that close. We get along, but don't meddle much in each others affairs. Jessica's is the kind of family where if this were back in the 1800's they'd all sleep in the same over sized bed (pets included). Unlike the Waltons, they would not have to yell "Goodnight, Johnboy", just a whisper would do it. So, being a close family, Jessica had to construct a romance prior to the invite. For this reason I didn't want to talk to the family much. I spoke to Mom since Jessica couldn't take the deception and told her. I spoke to Laynee a couple of times since she is cool, but I tried to steer the conversion from dating. Seeing as how we have nothing in common but Jessica, that made it hard. As time grew closer, Jessica's brother started to get the feeling that I was preparing to ask Jessica to marry me. So, being an involved and caring brother, he starts to call me...a lot. I didn't want to talk. I wouldn't mind it now, joke being over. But before that, I didn't want to lie to a guy that I didn't know, plus this is Jessica's half of the prank, not mine. I don't want them to have a bad taste in their mouth on my account. All day yesterday, I have been getting called by every Monson in the book. I think President Monson might have even called to inform me that my calling and election was made sure, but I didn't answer. I had about a baker's dozen worth of calls from her family yesterday alone. Jessica had 12 messages on her machine when she got home last night, and more that her roommate took messages for.

My sister, LaDawn, just called the temple (only once, unlike the Monson style) to ask if we had really made reservations, we didn't and she let it rest. My mom called me (also only once) and left a message trying to reverse the prank on me. She knew right away thanks to the date Jessica picked. That was it.

This morning I received another barrage of calls, which I did not answer. Tomorrow I will go back to my regular mode of answering the phone. But I still have my minuets to watch, so don't expect too much.

This prank turned out to be more a headache than it was worth. Most of it was Jessica frequently pestering me about her apprehension to the ploy. She's great, but a terrible prankster. Her family has also proven to be the sort of ilk that you don't want to prank. Not out of fear or pity, but out of sanity. Honestly, I like her family. They seem cool. If Jessica and I really had something going on, I wouldn't mind being a part of it. But if you want to just be accomplice to a crime involving the fam, beware.

So for the last time; No, nothing is going on with me and Jessica. We are not dating, we will not be dating and that is the end. I am still in the "Virgin for Life Club" and from the looks of it, will be there for a long...long time.

That being said, all interested applicants (LDS female between the ages of 18 and 24) please E-mail me.