"Here at KFYI we are celebrating April Fools with Jared who is in the master control room...Jared is on the other side of the glass wearing a court jesters hat looking like a complete moron... It looks like Jared has been involuntarily inducted to the 'Virgin For Life Club'."
- Barry Young on April 1, 2002
Well, Barry's words live to haunt me, two years later and he's not wrong. I almost fooled some people into thinking that I had broken that curse. Since December both my family and Jessica's had been absolutely convinced that something was going on between us. I don't know how many times we had to tell them that there was nothing there. Finally I thought that I should give them what they wanted. It just so happened that a friend had his photographer father in town, Del Benson. We had him take some pics and make up invites for us (and the photo on the top right of this blog). He got all the information he needed. He asked what date to put. I thought some date in the future would be nice. Jessica insisted on some date that was a bit too close. Also, she didn't really look into it and it happened to be on a day where there are no weddings at the temple we said we were using. I didn't care too much, I figured that I just wanted them to freak out, not go wild with making reservations and the like.
My family was a sinch. All I had to do was say that there was nothing going on. They have really learned to trust me over the years. Two weeks ago I almost talked about other girls on the phone to my sister, I had to stop - realizing that the joke would be spoiled. Instead I spoke of Jessica. I only said that we spend a lot of time together (true) and that we haven't taken any official steps yet (also true). Then my sister says, "Oh my gosh. You to have kissed haven't you?"
"No."
"Yes you have, I can tell."
"Why would I lie about it?"
"I don't know, you just are."
"Whatever."
See how easy it is to fool my family?
Then you have Jessica's family. My family is not that close. We get along, but don't meddle much in each others affairs. Jessica's is the kind of family where if this were back in the 1800's they'd all sleep in the same over sized bed (pets included). Unlike the Waltons, they would not have to yell "Goodnight, Johnboy", just a whisper would do it. So, being a close family, Jessica had to construct a romance prior to the invite. For this reason I didn't want to talk to the family much. I spoke to Mom since Jessica couldn't take the deception and told her. I spoke to Laynee a couple of times since she is cool, but I tried to steer the conversion from dating. Seeing as how we have nothing in common but Jessica, that made it hard. As time grew closer, Jessica's brother started to get the feeling that I was preparing to ask Jessica to marry me. So, being an involved and caring brother, he starts to call me...a lot. I didn't want to talk. I wouldn't mind it now, joke being over. But before that, I didn't want to lie to a guy that I didn't know, plus this is Jessica's half of the prank, not mine. I don't want them to have a bad taste in their mouth on my account. All day yesterday, I have been getting called by every Monson in the book. I think President Monson might have even called to inform me that my calling and election was made sure, but I didn't answer. I had about a baker's dozen worth of calls from her family yesterday alone. Jessica had 12 messages on her machine when she got home last night, and more that her roommate took messages for.
My sister, LaDawn, just called the temple (only once, unlike the Monson style) to ask if we had really made reservations, we didn't and she let it rest. My mom called me (also only once) and left a message trying to reverse the prank on me. She knew right away thanks to the date Jessica picked. That was it.
This morning I received another barrage of calls, which I did not answer. Tomorrow I will go back to my regular mode of answering the phone. But I still have my minuets to watch, so don't expect too much.
This prank turned out to be more a headache than it was worth. Most of it was Jessica frequently pestering me about her apprehension to the ploy. She's great, but a terrible prankster. Her family has also proven to be the sort of ilk that you don't want to prank. Not out of fear or pity, but out of sanity. Honestly, I like her family. They seem cool. If Jessica and I really had something going on, I wouldn't mind being a part of it. But if you want to just be accomplice to a crime involving the fam, beware.
So for the last time; No, nothing is going on with me and Jessica. We are not dating, we will not be dating and that is the end. I am still in the "Virgin for Life Club" and from the looks of it, will be there for a long...long time.
That being said, all interested applicants (LDS female between the ages of 18 and 24) please E-mail me.
