Daddy Day And Night Care...

This last week I have been a surrogate father to my sisters' kids. The only time I get away is when I am sitting in the Mesa Public Library using the internet because my bro-in-law, Darth Hijack, is "working" on my computer by watching "X2: X-men United". Being the part time father has been both fun and stressing.

One reason why I have been fulfilling this role is because another one of my bros-in-law, Aaron, has been in the hospital with viral meningitis. Long story short, he has a fever in the brain and it is swelling causing pressure on the inside of his head. Ya, it's as fun as it sounds.

For the last two nights my sister wanted to be with her husband in the hospital and drop off some things he needs. I was called in to save the day and watch her kids which were, "already in bed. All you have to do is just sit there, watch a movie, use the internet, whatever. They won't be any problem."

It ended up being like a combination of "Adventures in Babysitting", "Don't tell mom the babysitter is dead" and "The Shining" all in one. By the time my sister came home I couldn't wait to be let free. I think 2 out of the 3 kids were asleep by the time she came home, but it took some work, coercion, bribery, begging, threats, death threats, and suicide threats to do that. Most of those were toward me, not from.

Last night I was out by the time she returned. I just ended up sleeping the whole night on my sister's bed with Tickle Me Elmo tickling parts of me I didn't know I had.

In church on Sunday our ward wanted to do something nice for all of the fathers in our ward. I hate this stuff right now because most of my peers are either fathers or about to become one. It makes me stick out some. Our ward asked every male 18 or older to please stand. This made it worse as everyone in my ward knew that I was not a father, just a poser. I got my Almond Joy with a paper reading, "Men are that they might have joy," on it. Girls always have to make some cute connection to candy or they can't justify the calories.

I got my candy and wasted no time in sitting down. My niece, Sydney, started to whine about not getting one of her own. Darth Hijack, who confuses blunt with rude, suggested, "Well, maybe Jared will give you some of his, since he's not a father anyway."

Well, he wasn't wrong. And as much as I do like the freedom of single life, I would like to some day be a father. So I thought to myself what the most fatherly thing to do was. I took my Almond Joy, broke it into four equal parts and distributed 3 of them to the children awake. I don't feel to guilty for eating the portion of the one that was sleeping. All in all, I'd call that a pleasant experience.

A not so pleasant one would be what happened while I was away. One of my nephews (not entirely sure, but I have my suspect narrowed down) figured out how to take the protective screen off of one of my $800/pair Bose 501 Series V towers. The he poked his finger at a tweeder until it buckled. He promptly took off, leaving the crime scene intact. I grieved. Then I searched and found out that I could get a replacement tweeder for a reasonable price sent to me. Today I installed it and my stereo lives to sing another day. This was a good reminder for me that children don't respect property, value, or anything that anyone else owns.

It has been quite an experience getting a sampling of parenthood. I still think that some day I would like to take on the challenge. However, right now I still face an even greater challenge. No, not trying to scratch that one impossible spot on the back (but that is a doozy). I've found that a strategically placed Tickle Me Elmo can take care of that. I still need to find the mother of my children. The way things are going, anything will seem simple following that.