Ward Shopping...

As you know, I have recently found a place to live off of campus. The freedom that comes with off campus housing is nothing short of astounding. One of my new freedoms is choice of wards to attend. This is likely the only time in my life when I will have such liberty to shop for the right ward for me. We are asked to attend the ward in our boundaries and nothing else by the leaders of the church. Even if I didn’t want to obey that and I was to live on Lanai, for example, I'd have to either swim 50 miles every Sunday or just stick with my assigned branch. For the last two years in a row my ward has started at 8am. I made a solemn vow to NEVER let that happen to me again. I first went to the ward that I am technically assigned to, BYU-H 4th ward, which starts at the moderate time of 10am. It seemed nice and friendly. I recognized the faces and most importantly, the abundance of cuter girls seemed to be sitting alone.

After that I went to the local singles ward, Laie 10th. I got in the door right when it started, 2pm. You'd think that most of the locals could pry the bed off of their back by then. The opening hymn had started but it took me and my friends a second to realize it because no one was singing. Well, I take that back, the nice lady conducting was singing. The other dozen or so people in the chapel were as stone silent as gargoyles. Then someone tapped me on the shoulder and leads me to the front to help pass the sacrament. They didn't ask me if I wanted to. They didn't ask if I worthy. They didn't even ask if I was a member of the church. It's a good thing I was because it appeared as if I had no choice.

One interesting quirk of every ward is how they choreograph the ballet of sacrament distribution. This ward prefers a comedy of errors. I got the firm impression that I was not the only guest passer pulled in from the audience. While the other baker's dozen got to reflect on the meaning of the sacrament and sing praise us men in white shirts in the corner looked like the six stooges planning mischief. The Moe of the group could have just told me to serve the left side of the middle isle, but instead he drew a diagram with a number and color system which helped to thoroughly confuse all. In the end, I suppose everyone but us got the most of the sacrament.

Once it was announced that we had finished the sacrament the bishop repeated the verbatim ordnance of releasing us, "We thank the brethren for the reverent and organized manner of the passing of the sacrament." I believe he has to check the priests at the sacrament table to make sure he says it right or he has to start over.

That was also the cue for the rest of the ward to start filling in from the wings. Whether they can't bring themselves to wake up before 2pm or they don't want to admit that they can't take the sacrament I don't know. For what every reason the room was actually nearly full after all of the stragglers came shuffling in. I had to crawl over the laps of complete strangers to get back to my scriptures.

It was fast Sunday so the bishop said a few words and left the stand open...and open it was. After a few minutes a brave soul stood up. A few minutes later a fresh RM stood up. I admit that I could have offered my thoughts but I tired and it was already my second sacrament meeting of the day. I also didn't wish to crawl over laps and feet of more strangers. When a member of the bishopric had to get up there to vamp it was clear that we would not be running over. It was one of the most sad open mic nights I've ever been to.

I did have a chance to look at the most important part of any celestial gathering – the single girls in attendance. Every girl that had not been beaten with the ugly stick was sitting so close to a guy it looked like they were seeking a heat source from his armpit. That was the final straw for me.

After sacrament I was not about to stick around for priesthood and Sunday school. I figured I had enough to comment on so far and it would take three posts just to get all of my unique observations off of my chest. For the same reason I decided not to check out the family ward that also covers my area.

In the end I decided that maybe the Lord has his reasons for telling us that it is best that we go to the ward that we are assigned to. I wish I didn't always need to learn things the hard way - like the time I thought that a computer monitor wouldn't hold enough electricity to shock you in a bath tub if it wasn't plugged in...that was a bad experience in Monitor Shopping...we'll have save that for another blog some day.