Not Yet As Job...

...but I do miss the days when I could say, "At least I have my health."

Either stress, having everything I own break down on me simultaneously, running out of money and having to ask my mom to bail me out, working till midnight, starting each day by 8am, falling behind in all of my classes, or not having anywhere to relax during the 20 hours a day I'm awake is starting to take its toll on me.

Last week when a searing pain started, I asked to see a doctor at our campus [these are air quotes] “Health Center.” I had just lost my breakfast and was hoping to feel better by lunch. It was barely 11:30 am and they were not taking anyone for the rest of the day. My conversation with the apathetic secretary was thus:

[In my barely audible and very ill sounding voice] “I need to see a doctor.”

“Ok. Do you have an appointment?” Did she think I was able to successfully predict my illness in advance?

“No, but I’m feeling very sick now.”

“Well, it’s Wednesday.”

I had a feeling that she was going somewhere with this epiphany on the day of the week. I think she just needed some prodding. “Yes...”

“Every Wednesday the doctors take a half day. They are just about to leave.”

“Can I see one before they leave?”

“No.” She answered with such curtness it was apparent she could tell that I was bound to ask.

“Can I see someone?”

“You could see a nurse.”

“When can I see one?”

“It will be, at the shortest, one hour.”

Waiting one hour did not sound like fun. My stomach was going to still feel bad in one hour no matter what I was doing, so I decided to accept. “Alright, I guess I’ll have to do that. Can I come back in one hour?”

“No, we close in half an hour.”

“Then why would I wait for one hour to see a nurse if you are closed in half an hour?”

I received a look from her that was nothing short of pure annoyance. “Are you on our medical plan?” [I nodded in the affirmative.] “We’ll try to see everyone already in the doors once we close.”

“Ok, I’ll wait then. Can the nurse prescribe me anything for my stomach pains?” I think I already knew the answer, but I was so agitated that I figured I might as well help her realize the stupidity of their system.

“No.” Big surprise.

“So, what can a nurse do for me?”

“She can look at you. Maybe give you some advice...”

It was clear that I had reached the limit of what the [air quotes] “Health Center” could do for me. I decided to give her one last recap of the insanity. “So, the doctors can’t see me because they are going to take a half day in one hour from now. I can wait to see a nurse an hour from now, but not really since you close in half an hour. Even if I do, she can only look at me, but not do anything for me. Is that right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, thanks...” With that sarcastic gratitude I clenched my stomach and strolled back to my office.

Today at 10:30am I had a relapse with a vengeance. This may sound sadistic, but I actually hoped that I would have to go through the same conversation with the horrible secretary again. I was holding in my vomit so I would be fully armed. If I was denied service again I was going to make her, and her desk, wish she let me see a doctor last week.

I waited for about an hour, but this time I got in. The doctor is currently stumped. He asked for a urine, semen, stool, and blood sample. I was able to take off my underwear and hand it to him as that had all the basics covered.

No, that’s a lie. But he did take a urine and blood sample. Well, he didn’t take the urine, I gave it, but you get the idea.

Long story short; I’m sick. No one knows why. No one can do anything to help me. It could be worse. I could be a single, overweight 26-year-old menace to society with no money or career. At least I have my hea...oh yeah...