Top 10 Ways You Know Your Backyard is Overgrown...

These are the top 10 ways you know your backyard is overgrown:

"Amber Waves of Grain" shouldn't describe most yards...

10. At least one Brazilian soccer team has been lost there.

9. Every time you mow your lawn you find a car.

8. JJ Abrams (LOST, Star Trek Into Darkness) and Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit) argue over filming rights on your property.

7. A David Letterman staff writer offers to write a top ten list about it for you.

6. It's no longer exciting when a new species is discovered in your lawn.

5. If you attempt to tame it, forget eye protection, you need life insurance.

4. An unknown tribe of pygmies is filmed throwing spears at helicopters passing by.

3. When you pull up to Home Depot looking for day workers to help maintain it, they pretend they don't see you.
2. You have to explain to your wife how you lost your daughter while playing "Hide and go seek."

1. You have to kick Bear Grylls and his camera crew out...again! (Not to mention his better looking relative, Bunny Grylls.)

Running Does Not Run in Our Family...

A dark and closely guarded family secret was recently exposed to the light of day. Apparently, my father lettered in a sport in high school. That's innocuous enough. However, he lettered in, get this, Shuffleboard!

In the 40+ years that my mom has known my father, she was under the impression that he earned his letter from marching band. I suppose my dad was happy to let her think that. One must be pretty ashamed of lettering in anything else when marching band is a more attractive alternative.

I thankfully can hold my head high in the knowledge that I lettered in something much more physically demanding, intellectually stimulating and above all, masculine. My extra curricular activity surpasses the derogation of monikers like "pig skin," "hoops" or even "America's past time." It practically stepped out of a Norman Rockwell painting with a slice of apple pie in its hands. Indeed, it personifies macho Americana. Yes, you guessed it: Drama...

Best Birth Control Scam Ever...

So, this week Anna came up to me and said she had a special Christmas gift for me. I could tell by her tone that I was not going to like it. She pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me to read. Being a doctor's note, it was nearly illegible. I was able to make out one word: "intercourse." Anna helped fill in the blanks. Basically, Anna handed me a doctor's note excusing her from "intercourse." I guess the days of "I have a headache" are behind us. Now it's a proven medical necessity.

I instinctively laughed at first. Then it sunk in, this was real. Wait... real? Really real? Yes.

It turns out Anna had just had an injection of birth control. Due to the injections, she cannot have intercourse or she runs the risk of being pregnant. That's when this amazing dichotomy struck me.

"You mean to tell me, that you were just given birth control, to keep you from getting pregnant. But as a result of this birth control, you cannot have intercourse, or you run the risk of getting pregnant?" She confirmed.

It seems to me that any form of birth control that only works while you are abstinent is... genius! Why didn't I think of that? I should be out there selling this product. Any concerned parent of a high schools age child would be interested in this product, if it worked. It clearly has a market. After all, my wife jumped at the chance to get it. She was so excited by the prospect that she had the doctor change the note from, "no intercourse for 3 weeks" to "no intercourse for 4 weeks." Hmm....was that really necessary? So much for a romantic anniversary tonight...

The Sky Isn't Falling, The Sky Isn't Falling...

In case you were wondering, the world won't end Dec 21, 2012. And I'm a pretty good source of this knowledge, as I am in Guam, the other side of the dateline from most of the word, and therefore already in the future. Indeed, Dec 21, 2012 came and went already where I am, and we are still here. Once again, Future Jared to the rescue...

Four More Tears...er...Years...

Well, it's all over but the crying. Obama managed to win again. If I hadn't lost my faith in the current voting system before, I have now. On the bright side, a bad economy is good for investors...