My Lingering Manhood...

"I have never yet seen anyone whose desire to build up his moral power was as strong as sexual desire."
- Confucius The Analects (Chapter IX, verse 17)

I can't escape the gender issues that surround me. You already know about the gender class I have. Even in my class on Asian studies Confucius takes a stab at men. I had some fun today carrying around a bag that most men wouldn't be caught dead with:


Most people only raised an eyebrow or snuck in a second look. Those who knew me well enough commented on "how masculine [I] seem today." I must be coming along well. When I was a child I refused to even drink out of a pink cup at dinner. Still I do have some very man-ish things that I hold dear and won't let go of. For example, I found a list of rules from guys for girls that I have to admit I support. Yes, it's technically plagiarized, but in this day of e-mail lists and other unwanted crap in our inboxes I feel safe enough to take credit for this.

Here are the rules from our side of the looking glass:

• Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down all the time!
  
  
• Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  (I admit I don't care for Sunday sports, but I support the right for men to have them.)
  
  
• Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
  
  
• Crying is blackmail.
  
  
• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
  Subtle hints do not work!
  Strong hints do not work!
  Obvious hints do not work!
  Just say it!
  (If only the girls of the world could read this...)
  
  
• "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  
  
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  
  
• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  
  
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
  
  
• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  
  
• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
  (Or skinny, as the case may be...)
  
  
• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
  
  
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  
  
• Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
  
  
• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is and we like it that way.
  
  
• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
  
  
• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing's wrong.
  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  
  
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  
  
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
  
  
• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, guns, supermodels or monster trucks.
  
  
• You have enough clothes.
  
  
• You have too many shoes.
  
  
• I am in shape. Round is a shape.

And my favorite:


• If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  (I need to tattoo that on my forehead!)

I may not win any awards for sympathy or compassion, but I vehemently support these rights/rules of men. I may be getting "womanized" but some things have their roots too deep to be uprooted by a liberal P.C. education.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to pick up some more scrapbook supplies before Dr. Phil starts...