You Know You Are A Poor College Student When...

...you get toothpaste for your birthday, socks for Christmas Eve, and Shaving Cream for Christmas...and you are glad you did...

You Campus Computer Guy...

"He's Nick Burns: Your company computer guy." - Saturday Night Live Skit.

Ever see that skit. I have like five of them on my computer. This guy is not attractive and he shows up at the office when you just about gave up on him getting there. He asks you what the problem is. Makes fun of you for not speaking the correct lingo and says, "MOVE!" when he gets tired of you taking to long to figure it out and he wants to do it. He fixes it in seconds, then says in a demeaning way, "There, now was that so hard?" He then makes a few more low cutting remarks and leaves, stopping at the door to say, "By the way...YOU'RE WELCOME!"

If you get computers, its more funny becuase you know what he is saying. I do now. I have actually gotten pretty good at computers. I knew so little two years ago at this time, it was sad. Now, I am a top student of the Information Systems Major. I am far from knowing it all, but closer. As a result, i have become the resident go-to-guy for computer help from those who know me and dont want to go to strangers who are not that great in the IS department. I think i have blessed with the ability to understand things like that. And after spending enough time on it, i have come to realize that i have somewhat of a knack for teaching it. But, ironically, i was blessed with little paitence. I must have prayed to god for more of it, because he's giving it to me.

I have had to step my dad through the process of reconfiguring the BIOS on the board, not fun or simple. I have had to teach a number of people how to use iMovie on macs, not too hard, but not fun or quick either. I have also spent my winter break tutoring a student who failed my hardware repair and diognosis class. Nothing will frustrate me more than trying to teach someone who just dosen't get it. You try to tell them and show them and you wait...and wait...and.......................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
...................................................wait some more...

You get the idea.
JUST FIGURE IT OUT PEOPLE!!!

Uh...well, I think the gross missuse of the elipsise is good enough to prove my point...again...
I dont think that Nick Burns is all that bad anymore. Infact, i sympathize.
ok...well...i guess i'm done now...

"Memories, Like in the corner of my mind. Misty water collored memories of the way we were." - Barbra Streisand's Memories

So, it is finnished. I have completed yet another semester of school. I have to admit, it wasnt a very good semester. I did well in my classes, but it...i dont know. I guess i was expecting more. It's no wonder things didnt go too well. I was looking at some old email's of mine and found the first one i wrote when i got to campus. This is before i blogged, but i'm sure i would have put it in just like this:

What a start. Since I had bought the ticktes for the flight, the rules
for weight of luggage changed, and not for the better. I had to pay an
additional $25 at the checkin counter. Then i boarded the plane after going
thru one of the "special" inspections which invloved me with no shoes
on and taking my belt off. The guy with the rubber glove was suprisingly
gentle.
Then i found my seat. I checked it 2 or 3 times just to make sure i
wouldnt have to sit next to the guy i did. sure enough. The guy looked and
talked, and i assume smelled, like Milton from Office Space. If you
have seen it you feel sorry for me. He had big coke bottle lenses so his
dence eyes looked extra large, much like his waste line which spewed
over into my seat, thus making it so i either could suck my arm into my
side or rest my arm on his love handles. I chose the first.
It wouldnt be complete if the guy didnt want to talk my ear off the
whole time. And it wasnt interesting. It was about his last 10 day
training session in using the exiting world of computers to manage shipping of
goods. He told me about his FTP reports, which he assumed i would know
that means...
This is all so far just in the taxing period, which did take a long
time. To my great delight, as we were done taxing the captian comes on the
intercom to explain why it was suddenly hot. It was not, as I thought,
the fact that the guy next to me was smothering me in his rolls. It was
an error in the cooling system. So we had to go back to the terminal
and have the crew work on it. No, we couldnt get out, we sat there...for
an hour and a half! Finally capt'n Stubbing says that they are now just
waiting for the crew to fax over the final paperwork on the fix job.
Why did we have to wait for the fax to be sent? No one knows, we just
did. Then since it had been so eventful since the last time, we had to
watch the safetey videos all over again. I was partially glad, since it
would get Milton next to me to shut up, but alas, since he had already
seen it, he felt this time he could comment on it for me.
I think that i had "Harry Potter" open for about an hour trying to read
it when i gave up due to that fact that Milton could not get a clue to
save his life. And by the way i was getting, it might have been a close
call for him. After realizing it was taking me an hour to get thru one
page, i changed tactics, headphones. He found that if he repeated his
questions or leaned over me he could repeat his usual interesting
tidbits about his life to me and bring himself closer, he could get me to
take one side of my phones out so he could repeat it for one last time.
Finally i claimed defeat and began to see how long he could go talking
without any input from me. it was usually in about 15 min blocks. Any
longer and he would have known what i was up to and that would void my
expirement. He might have gone on longer, but has B.F. Skinner noted, the
very act of oberving something will change it. When the heavenly, but
retarded movie, "bringing down the house" started Milton put on his
headphones and stoped talking. He still found it necisary to look over at
me while laughing at the parts he felt were funny to make sure i agreed.
sometimes i did, but never as much as he would have. when i arived late
in honolulu i found my friend there. finally, something working out. I
got home and made it to campus. I found out that my room was not
considered ready for me yet, so i had to throw my stuff in the unsupervised
tv lounge. I did get it locked, but since i have no key (of which i am
supposed to, being an RA) i cannot leave, once i do, I am at the mercy
of someone who might be around with a key. I smell, i have not unpakced,
i am hungry and cannot shower or change. I have been to some special
classes for "training" smelling like i had just crawled out from Miltons
arm pits, which is unfair, since that is not the case...i crawled out
from there 24 hours ago.
Other than that, everything is great!

Huh, maybe its my attitude and not my enviroment...............nah...

"I am so smart, I am so smart! S-M-R-T...I mean...S-M-A-R-T..." - Homer Simpson in Homer Goes Back to College

so, it's finals week. As far as finals go, this is pretty good cake walk. I took two finals today. The first one I was tired for, since it was 7am. I have such a good "A" that my final was just for extra credit...literally. Instead of the three hours it took some, i was out in one. My next one was a class that is harder, Computer Programming II. I did the math, if I get any higher than at 52%, i get an "A". I finnished the test in half an hour...much eiser than i thought it would be.
After that, i went to work on my final for tommorrow. It's my Red Hat Linux administration class. We have a total of 12 workbooks, each worth an equal portion of our grade. In these, you have to read the explainations, do an online exercise, and an online quiz. If you don't finnish the questions or exercises in time, you get a zero for the book. I forgot about the deadline and was worried that my grade would slip. I asked my teacher. My grade was at 109% before i messed up. It dropped to a paultry 107% after that screwup. I guess i learned my lesson! I have a pass/fail test and the final for my red hat class tommorrow and one last institute final to go. Then i can waste my time in my room watching tv on my computer wishing i was home like everbody else here.
I actually have people mad at me for my grades.
I think I need to have a new slogan, "Don't Hate me because I'm smart...hate me becuase I'm smarter than you..."

The Great Dress-up Expirement...

It's Hawaii. I like to dress casual. Surf shorts, t-shit and slippers. Just cause I felt like it, i dressed up nice. I wore a longsleeve silk shirt with a colar, nice dress slacks, dress shoes, right down to the dress socks, i was nice looking. Not church, but corporate level all the way.
What i was most interested in was the reaction of my fellow peers. Most were confused. Some didnt recognise me. I think my favorite reaction of all was Jessica Monsons, "Wow. Who gave you a bath?" I was about to go into deatails when she ran off screaming. People treated me different all day. They thought i was smart, kind, and professional. If it wasn't for the fact that I had a weggie all day i had to pick, i would have completely fooled them...

"Give me some of that hair, that long beautiful hair. Hair. Hair. Hair. Hair." - Hair by Golden Earing (I think)

How many people does it take to cuts Jared's Hair? The answer is 4, if you count Jared.
I have long since I have been here looked like a sheep dog. I hate long hair on me. I like it trimmed and clean and moderatly short. But it is hard to find someone to cut it and that goes for paying jobs too. Before I went to Fall Ball, i wanted to get a hair cut. I went to the campus hair butcher. They say that all guy haircuts are $10. I go there and the lady is standing around shooting the breeze and explaining to someone why she cant teach anyone how to cut hair leagally. Judging by her work, i dare say it's court ordered...
So after 15 min of waiting to get her attention, i ask about a hair cut. Nope. she said she had an appointment in another half-hour, so she couldnt trim me up. She could have, but she wouldnt. I keept up the shaggy impression.

After i got tired of it a few weeks later, i took some scissors to my head and cut it all by myself. It was suprizingly good. I didnt cut it as short as I would have liked, I was being judicious with my snips for fear of irrehencible damage. (hey, i dont check your spelling!) And again a few weeks later, i couldnt take it. I asked JaCi to cut it for me. I borrwed my roomates clippers and met her behind my hale. the outlet that I was told was there wasnt. so she did it with my scissors. It was fine, but still too long. When my hair is too long the bangs curl up like those of superman (not clark kent!). I dont like the Shirley Temple curls on my head. So, went to my room and began to trim myself again. the back was the part that i need worked on the most and is also the hardest to do. Jake tanner comes along and sees me. He offers to help, and does so...and leaves me looking like a 14th century paige. I'd kill the messenger if he looked like that too!
After a humiliating dinner, i went back to my room to make modifications on my self. Justin Benson, a guy who enjoyed a good laugh at my expence during said meal, took pity and came by to help. He made some brief modifications again followed by my finishing touches. At least at this point, i can walk down the street with pride...well...ok, it'll take more than that, but at least i'm one step closer...(and i'm about to break...)

"Worst episode ever..." - The Comic Book Guy in The Simpsons

Worst Thanksgiving ever...

What's In A Name...?

"O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?...Oh, what's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet; so Romeo would, were he not Romeo called, retain that dear perfection to which he owes without that title." - Juliet in Romeo + Juliet

Those famous lines of Juliet have nothing to do with the location of Romeo. "Wherefore art thou Romeo?" really translates into, "Why the heck do you have to have the name Romeo?" You see, they were truly a pair of star crossed lovers. And the ONLY reason why they didn't work out (besides the fact that they were emotional teen-age wreckingballs) was that...the name.

That brings me to my perdicament. My name. Truth be told, I like the name Jared. Juliet liked Romeo. That still didnt help the situation. I come from a long line of Jareds. No, it's not a family name, but it has had its rounds in history. The first I can think of is the brother of the brother of Jared. They called him "Jared" for short. Sure, he was nice enough. But he wasn't the good one. His brother was. It was Jared who was responsible for the start of kings amoung the Jaredites. They all went down the tubes. Not a Jaredite left. Good call, chet!

And don't forget the Subway Jared. I don't even need to explain that one. He sure did a lot for Jared Kind!

Think back to all the Jareds you know. I'm sure you know only a small number. They usually come in two forms. Big, dark and ugly or small, skinny and pale, glasses optional. The larger Jared breed is usually not very intelligent, but has a soft side. They once took a large Jared and taught it to take care of a small cat named Coco. The small Jared lurks in areas that are not well ventelated. Usually found in groups of other social missfits, small Jareds prefer to act quite the opposite of large Jareds and show off the intelligence they possess. Though they think that this will impress others, it has the reverse effect. Both breeds are found in a variety of locales, from the polynesian islands to the Mainland and everywhere inbetween. Universally, they also share the poor trait of having little to no sucess with the opposite sex. A Jared usually has to lower his standards below par to obtain a significant other. Ocassionaly, some Jareds break the mold, they suceed. Both beeds also are capable of raising normal and well adjusted children, so breeding is nothing to fear from them, the challange is getting willing participants.
I was named Jared, and therefore share the fate of that ilk.

I am not sure which "Jared" I am. I am deffinatly not skinny, but I also am pale, had glasses, and do well in school. I'm a sort of hybrid. Like if you cross two Jareds together.

I hope to be a new kind of Jared. A Jared that changes the Jared cliche. The kind of Jared that gets so well known that people will all know who you mean when you simply say, "Jared". Like a Prince or madonna or Cher, but with positive thoughts. Untill that day, i must battle everyday against the Jared stigmas which i face. Just today, Sadie was pondering why it is that she is always so mean to me. At lenght, she came to the conclusion that it must be due to a Jared that she knew at home that was mean to her and she didn't like. So i get his treatment? That's the way the ball bounces. Jessica was looking at a picture of her performance at Culture Night with me. (That reminds me, I broke rule 2, i paid the price that night.) There was a picture of a big, dark, unintelligent guy looking at the log he was supposed to be banging. I make a funny caption that applied to the expression on his face. Jessica died of laughter, especially when she remembered that he was also a Jared. Oi vey. Why must I be plauged by my name. It's a good name...or atlest it should be. What's in a name?

Maybe i could change it to Romeo...

"O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?" - (Jared to Sadie on 11-05-03 and) Romeo in Romeo + Juliet

"You see, George, you really have had a wonderful life." - Clarence the Angel in It's a Wonderful Life

My day was lackluster at best to begin with. But when you are at bottom, you can only go up. It went up.
After I worked, i spoke with my friend who was mad at me. We got the whole thing straightened out. Water under the bridge now. I went to a bit of class, then I went to play racketball with some freinds. John beat me, but i beat Jake 2 out of three. the third was only a half game, so i feel good about it. Then we had a meeting, Mom was nice about it.
I went to dinner and after Jake paid for me to have a ton of games of DDRMax (the dancing game that i am now addicted to) for my B-day. Shem played with it. I had the best games of my life. It was killer.
then i went to take a test which i was so not willing to do, but ended up getting an 'A' on! Not just an 'A', but 100%!
After that, i helped Lehua with the stuff right before I went to Erika's work, a Mac lab on campus. The plan was just to watch a movie, or so i was told. We walked in and there was a tower of mini chocolate donughts with 24 candles and Erika. Suddenly, about 15 of my good freinds on campus showed up. They were really well hidden. I thought there was no way they could be hidding in that small of a room. They sang, i blew out the candles, and got gifts. It really, really made me feel good. I made a speach and everybody made me feel like a star. It really was MY day. Talk about redemption. That was truly the best b-day gift ever. Then, they said they got a movie that i would like. they couldnt find "army of darkness" (my favorite move), but one that is just about as good. then i saw a DVD menu for a moive made for me. It was a slide show with some cool thoughts about me and a song i love "Take a Picture" by Filter. I So did not see that one comming. It was such a cool thing. And it was touching. No tears, but i could have...
I was having quite a funk, and felt that I would not enjoy my day at all. It turned out to be a GREAT birthday.
So, now i sit at a Mac at Erika's work as we watch Better Off Dead, which for once in a long time, I don't think is the case for me right now.
I didnt have to see what life would be like without me. I didnt need to have my wife and kids around, nor parents or siblings, neices or nephews. I just had to have some of the best friends a guy could ask for. I wine and moan my fair amount, but at the risk of sounding corny...It's a Wonderful Life.

"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...You would cry too if it happened to you." - It's My Party by Leslie Gore

Class! Class! Please sit down. Kvetching 101 is about to being. I trust you all received you syllabus? Good. I will just jump right in with a prime example of "Kvetching."

In my life, I have now had 24 birthdays to speak of. Twenty Five if you figure that you start counting at zero and the first one I was alive for was the one in which I was born. I don't think that was a very good one for me. I was purple and in a coma, but I moved on.
When I turned 10 (I'm not sure exactly which age due to repression) I had another great one. I invited all of my "friends" over. Meaning I had to beg people to come, what with me being the most popular of kids. I had at least 10 boys I was expecting. And my mom even made me invite a kid that I couldn't stand. His name was Martin Prince. Now that I look back, his first name might be different (Martin Prince is actually the kid bart cant stand on The Simpsons) but I called him "The German Prince-ess" because he used to wear lederhosen to church. A creative use of his last name if you ask me. Not surprisingly, he did show up...only an hour late. I was just waiting for my best friend John to show up. He had to go to some scout camp. Oh well. Others will come...uh...hello...is this thing on? I built it. No one came. Where were they? So I spent that birthday with a sympathetic mom and "the German Prince-ess" that I couldn't stand at the time. Hoo-ra!

 
My birthday so far has been less than 12 hours in the making and has proved to suck eggs quite well thus far.

 
Yesterday, Anuj (another RA I work with) asked to borrow my key since he lost his. I looked at the schedule to see if I was still working. I was promised the day off by the other RA's. Anuj assured me that he would come in, that's why he needed the key. I gave it up. I was in an odd sort of funk, the kind where you hate life and don't know why. I go to lunch and wonder of wonder, miracles of miracles, the Wonder Years is on TV. I sit close so as to watch it. A friend sits next to me and she is obviously somewhat peeved with me. This wasn't the first time, and I really, REALLY doubt it will be the last. I figured when it bugged her enough, she'd come talk to me. I let her have her cool off time. That and I couldn't think for the life of my what I could have possibly done this time. I then went to class and failed a test miserably. I then went to my room to get the ONLY solace that I can find; sleep.
I woke ate dinner, then went to go babysit the son of my sister Wendy's friend. They were here on vacation and didn't want the baby at the PCC night show. During the babysitting, Fei called. I don't know for the life of me how she could have gotten my cell number. I didn't give it to her for a reason. She has her ways. Surprisingly, it wasn't that bad, and it was nice to talk to her. Then she wanted the WHOLE Sadie story. Last she heard, we were still together. So I had to tell her that we were not. I didn't feel like getting into details. As I was walking back with Jake to campus from the Closet house after babysitting, it began to rain on us. I got back to my Hale to work on a hard and stupid program for CS201 with JaiCi. At this time, the Fit hit the Shan with the friend who was mad at me. I had to run around and get yelled at by every female i knew, one by one. I went crazy by the end of the night. Turns out, something another one of my friends said about a friend got back to that friend as MY quote. Figures. Finally, I got to my room, it was now my birthday, and I thought I could stay up late since Anuj had the office for me. I watched Groundhog Day, with Bill Murray. I love that movie. I so want that to happen to me. I was disappointed to note that it was in-fact another day, and I would have to live it.
I could tell it was a different day because my alarm went off latter than usual. I was trying to sleep in. I heard a knock at the door. I refused to answer. then I got a call. I knew it was related to the knock. It was Hale mom Terese. She began by wishing me a happy birthday...oh wait...that would be what one would expect. She chewed my ear off for not being in the office. Anuj was MIA and my name was still on the schedule. I then had to plead to her to let me in the office since I had no key, Anuj did. I got yelled at for that. Then I started by birthday off by sweeping and mopping a very dirty walkway (due to the rain last night). I vacuumed the lounge, and sat down to spill my guts on this crappy of crappy days. Oh, yeah, I'm also hungry, but missed my chance to get breakfast (or even shower) because I HAD to mop and sweep before 10am!

Ok, class, any questions? I want a ten page Kvetch from each of you by tomorrow on my desk, or I'll go off and tell you how the rest of my day went.
I still have yet to face my friend who's pissed at me. I have a stupid class i have to get to. (National Hollidays like "Veteran's Day" aren't celebrated here in Hawaii because it's my birthday and that would mean no class and a better day!) I have a car in the shop I'm betting bent over for, I have a test to take that I know I will do miserably at and I know more is just around the corner!
Trust me, you do NOT want me go make good on my threat!!!

Class dismissed.

Melts In your Hands...

M&M Candies...Melts in your mouth, not in your hands... - Old M&M comercial slogan.

I think this may be the first time that I would rather give M&M's out rather than eat them. Ya, last night it happened. Hands were held, and candy coated chocolate was passed out. And to think, she is the one that initiated it. I think i like this sitting back and letting her do the work idea. I guess i just try too hard.
I might just adopt this policy with all aspects of my life. I can expect the Caf to deliver the crud they call a meal to me. I won't go to the office when i work, i will have the students come to my room. When it's time to take a test, the testing center will drop off the test and come back in 30 min to pick it up.
After a few years of living like that, I will become so huge that I will not be able to get through the bedroom door. When i get sick of being stuck in my room (I assume that I will have no roommate who would tollerate living with me anymore) I will have Jerry Springer do an episode about me. Then he will pay for the wall to be knocked down and for my lyposucktion. After a few months, the Subway diet, paid for my them of course. I can become "Jared Squared" or "Jared II - more shocking than before". I will make the old Jared of subway a laughable thing (as if he wasn't alrealy). Not long after that, the movie deals come...ah...we all have our dreams.
Yet, i somehow think this may infringe on my chances of holding hands with Sadie again...ever. Let alone the neccesity of the Ice Cream. I'm not so sure that's gonna happen. That's a real expensive one. But, It would be worth it. Who knows?
For now, I'm just gonna sit on my lazy bum and ride the tide. See where it goes. If you need me, you know where I'll be, sitting on my can watching Futurama or The Simpsons on my computer, eating leftover M&M's and waiting.

Dorothy: Well Blanche is certainly taking her sister's novel better than I would. I would kill my sister Gloria if she ever wrote about my sex life.
Sophia: You would kill your sister over a pamphlet?
- The Golden Girls

My birthday came a touch early…9 days early to be precise. I am basing this on a certain gift I got early. Well, this isn’t the kind of gift that I actually OWN, but it’s one that will take the idle time I have and make life more fun. Ya, it’s called a girlfriend...well, sort of. I’ve read about them, I dreamt of them, I’ve even sung songs about them, and now it has happened to me.
To be fair, I did actually have one before, but that feels like a different time and a different me.
Ok, ok, enough with the anticipation. I’ll tell you who. Sadie Swenson (I know I’m gonna get it if I spelled the name wrong…). I have been in pursuit for some time. Alas, my work finally paid off. I actually told her that I was going to give up earlier tonight too.
I hope it won’t come back to bite me, but I have to tell you what happened Halloween. I dressed up as Zorro. It was nice. Talk about devenier. I had the cape, the thin black mustache (real ‘stache, painted by a sharpie), and the mask, completed by a sword. How could one resist me? Well, I make it possible.
Sadie (whom is a fellow RA) had to dress up also, since we all had to work on the Hale-ween “Spooktacualr” activity. (Ya, I thought it was cheesy too.) I got stuck with the face painting and Sadie was welcoming people at the door. Didn’t get to see her too much. She was dressed up as a man, a pirate with a drawn on goatee and sideburns. I’m not gay or anything, but I still thought she was cute looking…
I was doing a stellar job as a face painter. I was quite impressed with myself. I actually enjoyed it. The game room was closed down and we went to the dance where I sat and watch others look silly. I don’t do dance well, and especially if Sadie were to see me. She danced a bit with others and she is pretty good. If I could convince her to lead and I follow, it may work out for us to dance…
At midnight, we both went to lock up our respective Hales to lock them up. When I went to my room, I grabbed some M&M’s that I have been holding on to for some time, waiting for the right time to give them to her. Why?
She admitted to me (I tricked her into telling me the story) that some girls have a pact that they will give M&M’s to their friends if the hold hands with a guy, Ice Cream for a kiss and whole pizza party if they get married. I figured M&M’s were mild enough, yet reasonable.
As we were walking back I pulled them out of my pocket (nervous as usual) and said, “Here I got these for you.”
“Oh, good, thanks.”
She started to open them as I continued. “Want to know why?” I reached over and she…well…it was almost like a seizure but there was no foam at the mouth. We then actually fought over her hand for a few moments.
I lost.
She gave me the M&M’s back. I tired to give them back to her “free of charge” but no go. I kept them, in hopes that some day she may want them back. Hey, a guy’s gotta have hope.
Basically, she didn’t feel ready. I can't hold it against her. Dating is a scary thing. The story of my love life is going to be some light reading in the children's section at this rate.
I thought maybe I was going about it the wrong way, so I decided to change my tactics. She called me and I told her I was going to play hard to get and change the tide on her. Not long later I ate those words as she told me that she’d give me a shot!
I don’t know if I have really deserved it, but I got it. Now the challenge will be to make her not regret the decision. I don’t think that will be to hard…right?…

What are you CRYING? There is no crying in baseball! - Tom Hanks in A Leauge Of Their Own

Jared steps up to the plate. The pitch comes, he swings, it's a line drive...grounder ball. He makes a dash for first. He gets to the plate...and...OH! Taged out before he even felt the padding of base. One out, two to go at the top of the ninth.

My Cardnial Rules...

"Give a little whistle...(whistle)...Give a little whistle...(whistle)...And always let your conscience be your guide." - Jimminy Cricket Pinochio

I feel more complete. All this time I have always had only 2 cardinal rules of dating. They were 1) Never let her see you without a shirt on and 2) Never let her see you try to dance. And certianly, never combine the two!
All of the great rules and codes of conduct have 3 or more. I have now amended the rules to a total of three valid guidlines.

1. Never let her see you without your shirt on.

2. Never let her see you try to dance.

3. Never let her hear you try to sing

I love to express myself musically, but sad expirence has shown me that I must do that vicaroulsly through others. Hence, radio career. I live off of others musical abilities. Odd sort of parasidic symbionic relationship, ain't it? (I know, i ruined a smart sounding sentence with "ain't".)
I was informed thanks to Sadie (Precious) and Erika that my singing is not quite up to par on Sunday night. I was already familiar with this fact. But something at that moment hit me that told me this is of a calliber offensive enough to make THE LIST.
So, no matter how bad I wish to break into a show stopping rendition of "Elephant Love Medly" from Moulin Rouge I must resist. I guess I could always hum or whistle along with the radio. I think I can do that mostly on key...

"The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return." - Ewan McGreggor as Johnathan in Moulin Rouge

God bless America. My home sweet home!

I live in a third world country. I know, I know, "But Jared, Hawaii is part of the U.S." Ya, I don't think so. You ask most hawaiians and they dont say they are american, they are Hawaiian, and proud of it. If you ever see a Hawaiian flag flying upside down, that means "Hawaiian Sovergnty". They want thier own kindom again. Not gonna happen. So, to reiterate, yes, I am in a different country, a third world country.

One tell-tale sign is random stray animals crawling around you living quarters. Last week, i was on my way home after a riggerous day at the computer (many actaully). As i come to my door, I see a chicken standing there, looking as scared as the full time chef for Roseanne Bar. I stop in my tracks in hopes that it will chose to go out of my house, and not further in. This almost never works. The bugger is too afraid of you. But this time was different. There was something more intimidating than me on the other side. It slowly decided that I was the lesser of 2 evils and ran closer to me and out to the bushes. What could have been so vile and terrifying that it would chose the face of death before it? A second later, I had my answer...
Filipinos. The came running past me, yelling as they did so, "Don't let it go. That's gonna be our lunch!"

The next day, I was in my room when I heard the distinct sound of a chicken struggling for its life. If i had a dime for every time i heard a living creature sturgle for life at my hands...
It might have been the same chicken, but this one was traped in our lounge, and my roommate was chasing it around. It took a few min and feathers to get it, but it finally went. That happens too easily.

Yesterday, I was in the Hale office when i saw some thing run by. A few min again i saw it go agian. After a third time i guessed it was time to investigate. Sure enough, a Mongoose was stuck in our Hale lounge. It took some tricky work and strategic door closing, but i chased it out.

Last semester, I was in the Hale lounge having family home evening. While someone was crying in a testimony I felt a drop of something in my hair. It felt like a thimble of water. I looked around, no one there would dare to that in that kind of enviroment. Who could that have been? I then decided to look up. It was infact, a gecko. It had just dispelled waste on my head, while in my suit. I tilted my head to the side and an orange round ball rolled off. I asume some sort of egg or owl pellet kind of matter. Ya, how for joy!

I could go on, but I will spare you. This was only the livestock reason why I live in third world enviroment. Maybe when i have more free time, i can go into the living condition examples...

Step One: Open mouth. Step Two: Instert Foot...

Oh, so that's why they call it the World Wide Web! I guess it's possible for people like Erika for example to read these. Not that I am suprized that she did. I wasnt all that happy to find out that she read it and was upset about it. Not that I blame her. That was stupid of me. It really made me sound like a jerk...more than I had intended.

No details, but we did go to the dance even after she read it. We patched things up and are still friends. One of her friends is still a bit tessty around me, but I guess I earned it.
I suppose time has come for me to stop mentioning people specifically. I will start right now.

So my room mate, Josiah T. Walker, has the worst smelling feet...
(I couldn't help it!)

Playing It Dence...

No, Fez, dating IS prostitution. Only, you don't always get what you paid for.
- Steven Hyde "That '70s Show" (1998)

Ever have someone hit on you, and you dont like the person so you brush it off like you just dont get it? Ya, me too. Its a fail safe. She thinks you are dence and pretty thick in the head, but no feelings are hurt. I often just take undersireable advances and play that game. The girl inevetable thinks that I am just stupid, but yet, she is all the stupider (i know...) for thinking it. Two nights ago, I came out the ultimate stupid one...

I got a call from a girl named Erika. She invited me to go to a guitar performance in the auditorium. I wanted to see it anyway, so i was there. Half way through, they broke and showed a homemade video to promote the upcomming Fall Ball. I have considered going. I have a few girls on my list that i thought about asking. I came real close to asking a girl named Angie Lambert. She is a cool gal that is always fun and she hadnt been asked yet. Just as I thought i might break down and ask, the video ends and the MC (Glen) who is a freind of mine gets on the mic, "There is a girl here who thinks that I dont want to go to the fall ball. It's just that I dont want to go to the fall ball with anyone but her....Angelina Lambert, will you go to fall ball with me?"
Well, there went my idea. But alas! She wasnt there! How funny is that!? Everyone felt sorry for him, I on the other hand was cracking up. I'm not the sensitive type.

Fifteen min later into annother student performance Erika leans over to me and says, "Actually, do you want to go?"
"Naw, not quite yet. I think that Shem is going to perform again."
"No, i meant, did you want to go to Fall Ball?"
It sounded to me more like a servey question more than anything else. "Naw, not really. I mean, it could be cool, but $50 for one date and no trasportation to Honolulu from here..."
"Well, I'll pay for myself."
Then it hit me. Ohhhh! She meant did I want to go to Fall Ball with her! Uh. Ya know. I didnt want to say this, but no. Not really anyway. Even if she does pay for herself (which i cant let happen), it's gonna cost me. And how are we going to get there? What kind of attire is it? Will I have to dance? Will there be a good night kiss? if so, does it have to be from her? All important questions.

I couldnt just back out, so I did the noble thing and told her to wait for my reply....

I made good on it. I went home and made her a cd. I DJ'd the cd, like i was on the air. I miss doing that kind of stuff. I made it all one long track, about 76 min. I spoke between each song, so she couldnt track forward and she could only shuffle from song to song, which still takes forever, incase she misses something i say important inbetween. The idea was that I asked her to the ball. She complained that no one has asked her out on a date, she always had to. I thought since i had to go now, i might as well cowboy up and turn the tables.
When I woke up, there were 9 pages taped to my window. It was a long responce. The word 'yes' was taped to the wall outside, so i had to go get it.

Being a nice guy sucks. Maybe I should have played dence longer.
"I'll pay for myself."
"Oh yeah? Who are you going with?"

Adventures in Blood Donating...

Well, I did it again. I put my life (and veins) in the hands of Hawaii's Most Mediocre. Ya, I must be nuts. I guess I feel like I have so much extra blood just going to waste that I might as well let someone else know how crappy it is to be me. So I inject myself into to them. I can see it now, some guy wakes up in the ER and suddenly finds himself attracted only to the women who don’t find him that way and vice versa. He also finds that he has gained weight, but can't lose it. The list goes on...

This was one of the times where donating blood becomes a story. Well, an adventure really. You sit down and fill out this survey. The first question is my favorite. "Are you feeling well?" Like I’m just gonna put down, "Well, I'm sexually frustrated, I hate my 'bed' and as a result of it, my neck is totally out of whack, I'm stressed out over all my classes and I don’t drink, but I'd swear I have a hangover."
I put yes.
Then comes the interview questions. My bro-in-law is a pig (meaning cop, technically, but you decide...) and he told me the kinds of questions they ask you for a job. Why should I get the same ones every 2 months when I donate? Honestly! They ask the kind of questions that would make Madonna blush.
"Have you ever had sex..."
"I should be so lucky."
"...with a man for money?"
"Oh...I thought you...er...(sigh) same answer..."

After 21 questions that Ellen Degenerous wouldn't admit to, came the prep. I lay down on the table and notice after 5 min that they still haven’t found a vein. I guess my girlfriend was wrong...I'm not that vein after all. This petite little Hawaiian girl (who obviously couldn’t get a job at a real medical facility) finally made her choice in a spot higher and to the side of where the needles usually go. The skin was thicker there. It took some hard pushing to get it in. As I lie there, I hear another one of the Apollo College drop-outs say, "Eww...gross....blood."

What? Eww...gross...blood? What do you expect at a BLOOD DRIVE!? My comfort level went way up, they said my tube started to fill up faster.

That was short lived, because after almost 15 min of squeezing this foam blood drop every 3-5 seconds, I still wasn’t done. So the inept assistant began to jiggle the needle. Still nothing. She found a guy who actually was some sort of MD. "Ah, yes, due to the angle and how deep the needle was put in, the opening of the needle is resting against the wall of the vein. Well just have to move it around a little."

Perfect, that was just what I needed. After the next painful minuets ended, I was glad to get up and get what I came for...all the free munchies I could down. Ya, I filled my backpack. I figured they bled me dry literally: I might as well do it fiscally to them...

Sick...

When Cameron was in Egypt land…let my people go…” Cameron from Ferris Beuler’s Day Off.

I am sick. Well, not the kind of sick that you are thinking of, I really thought she was 18. Who ever heard of a 14 yr old with a rack like that…ok…off the subject? I am sick with some sort of fun head cold. Why the heck do they have head colds? What’s that all about? This isn’t going to turn into some cliché routine about why it should be called a hot since you’re not cold when you have one.

It all starts the same. You are sitting in your chair happy and at peace. Suddenly, you notice that you have a slight tingle in the back of your throat. You think, “Oh, man, I’m getting sick aren’t I?” By this time you know there is nothing you can do. You drink a ton of orange juice and down a bottle of vitamin c, but by the time you wake up the next morning, you are an inch from wishing yourself dead. One of the fun particulars of this brand of head cold is that my nose is completely and totally clogged. The amazing thing (someone call the Twilight Zone) is that even with a nose stuffed up so bad that you can’t snort a particle of air in, you leak snot like a civ. You can only feel it some of the time. Others you walk by a mirror and realize that you look like your 2yr old niece with snot hanging dangerously close to your upper lip, and by the way your are feeling, you might just stick that tongue out and take care of the job. The reason I didn’t is that the leak, unlike the breathing, goes both ways, so you know you are swallowing gallons while you sleep. I can’t survive the Gallon Challenge, but I can if it’s snot. The upshot is that I don’t have any appetite when I wake up.

Paradox the second. Due to the total blockage of my nose, I am forced to breathe through my mouth at all times. This of course makes me look like a full time “open mouth breather” and we all know how smart those guys are. When I sleep, my mouth is open and makes my throat dry as a bone (which doesn't make sense if you think of it, your bones are covered with blood and stuff, not dry). The second paradox is how is it that my throat is dry as the Sahara in drought season when I have been swallowing mucus all night? Does it float in the middle of my airway so as not to lose any precious cargo on the way down?

The part that irks me the most is the fact that this is now the second time in one month that this has happened to me. The exact same illness! When I find the guy that I gave it to and got it back from, I’m gonna…well…give it back to him again…

Now, I just lie in my bed, finding no comfortable position, swallowing my snot as I wipe my nose with my bed sheets (I gave up caring). I feel like Cameron illustrates in one of the best 80’s movies in history “Ferris Beuler’s Day Off”. As I look at the clock and realize that, yes, I have to work till midnight tonight and again at 8am tomorrow, the only thing that runs through my head is, “When Jared was in Egypt land…Let my Jared go.”

"You never had a camera in my head." - Jim Carrey as Truman Burbank in The Truman Show

Is nothing sacred? Honestly. One thing I also miss when I live here is privacy. I have none! For instance, today I got a call from my good friend, Lamb. He got a new cell phone and I was the lucky first call. We are right in the middle of the call when my roommate comes in. I don't let it stop me, I just continue in my conversation. Soon, he finds my comments worth commenting on himself. I ignore him as I don't want to encourage such behavior. He still finds many things in my conversation interesting. I do admit, I have some well entertaining ones. My conversation ends, finally allowing my roommate the freedom to stop competing for my attention. He then tells me that he has another date tonight. To make me jealous or just inform me I am not sure. From what sounds like from my window I hear the voice of Romeo, a fellow RA. He can, and does, hear everything that happens in my room. I can't explain it well without a visual, but basically, we share a common window. The window starts in my room and runs along the outer wall and ends in Romeo's room. There is a wall that separates my room from his, but it stops at the window, making our rooms joined by about 4 inches on one end. He even passes things to me thru it sometimes. This time, he simply passed along his comments on both my roommates date of which I don't care and my conversation with Lamb which he shouldn't. Good thing we didn't discuss my plans to take over the world...
I live in a sort of clear bubble. Like Truman in the Truman show, only no one is trying to get me out.

In the infinite wisdom of the other RA's I work with, I seem to be the one stuck with most of the night shifts, and coincidently, with the following morning shift. Off at midnight, on again at 9am. Well, it's a living. At the end of the day, I am tired. I want to get to bed as soon as possible so I can squeeze in close to an actual 8 hours of sleep. I get home a couple of nights ago and find my roommate sitting infront of the lounge computer playing his usual cheezy yahoo internet games (hours on end). I mention my level of tiredness and desire for rest. He mentions to me that he would be asleep, but "what with all that African language, I couldn't get any rest." What was he talking about? I had no idea. I go into my room to find my tooth brush and begin the night ritual when I find a friendly looking African sitting in MY airchair, talking on the phone as casual as if he lived there. I grabbed my supplies (checked to see if my valuables were still there) and headed to the bathroom. On my way, I asked Roommate why he invited him in. I failed to realize that Africans are not like vampires, they can invite themselves in. So I go into my room and speak up, "Excuse me, uh...it's past midnight and we are not allowed to have visitors in our rooms after that. So I have to ask you if you can leave now. Thanks..." Not quite the richeous indignation that I felt, but it did get the job done. He looked at me, not in anger or hurt, but rather almost like he was taken off guard, like it was odd that a complete stranger would walk up to him and ask him to leave.
Further, last night I was granted the joyous opportunity to work late again. I really worked late. I got to my lounge at 1am. I get in and see the back of a head that I don't recognize. That sounds odd, since people usually only recognize back of heads as well as they do the back of their hands. (When was the last time you had to identify yours in a lineup?) As I start my night ritual, which now includes kicking people out, I come to find its the Mongolian!! The very same that held be captive weeks ago. You can read about that further down (mon, sept 8-entry 2). I asked him, "What are you doing here?"
"I was reading my email."
"Ya, I can see that. What are you doing here."
"uh," followed by stoned silence. I didn't know I could do that to him. Why didn't I ask him that last time?
"Well, It's 1am, and not only are you supposed to be in your room, but we are not supposed to have anyone in ours."
He looked confused.
"So, basically, you need to use your own computer in your own lounge when it's late. Or day time..."
More confused.
"So you need to go."
Confused.
"Now."
"I cannot stay here?"
I lower my head and shake it as a gentle sigh leaks out...

"In case I don't see ya, Good afternoon, good evening and good night." - Truman Burbank

I must have put the emphasis on the wrong sylabel

"Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by isltef but the wrod as a wlohe."

--- Rowland Croucher

Have You Lost Weight...?

"My mom says that I’m not fat, I’m festively plump." – Eric Cartman from South Park

There is a burden to be born when having two homes. I live in both Hawaii and Arizona. In both places there are people and places that are near and dear to me. I cannot be in both places at the same time, and therefore must put aside one for the other. Yet, there is always one good reason for leaving one to the other. See, it’s all about image.
There is something about myself that I have discovered recently that is a unique phenomenon. I think I first discovered this about a month ago when I ran into the Tupolo’s from Moloka’i. Michael, the youngest boy of the family, came to check in as a new student. I recognized him almost immediately, and vice versa. If you are reading this, you know that I served a mission here in Hawaii from 98 to 2000. I served in Michael’s ward. He figured it out when I told him I served in Moloka’i. First thing he said was, “oh, you must have lost weight.” “ya, I guess I did. Less rice everyday, ya know.”
Then I saw his mom again for the first time in 3 years. She thought I looked familiar at first, but couldn’t explain it. Then I told her. “Oh, you have lost weight.” “Ya, sure.” A week prior I ran into one of my old ward mission leaders, Jake Burden. He asked the same thing. A few weeks later, I ran into the Meneha family, who moved to Laie lately. Same question. Last semester I ran into the Kimokeo’s of Kahalu’u. Same.` Bro Forseith of Hale’iwa. Same. The Justicesons, formerly of Waialua now Laie, same. Last week a girl I haven’t seen for a few weeks saw me. She asked it too.
That was enough for me to figure it out. The memory of Jared is fatter than the presence of him. I have achieved the almost impossible fatness level that even David Copperfield couldn’t obtain. Every time you see me after a gap of time has passed, I appear to be several pounds lighter although in fact, no change has occurred. What an illusion!
If I say I am fat, no one has any problem with telling me that I am not, I am right in the perfect balance. I am neither fat nor skinny. I am the alpha of weight and the omega. I have achieved Fat Zen.
I shared my thoughts with a friend from the caf today, Jeff. He looked at me and said, “That’s odd. I thought you lost weight this summer, didn’t you?” Case closed.
Now if only I can convince them that I am actually skinny while in their presence. Or even better, muscular…

Great Sence Of Humor...

I'm too sexxy for my humor, too sexxy for my humor. It's bound to wreck my future... - Adaptation of "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred.

Ah Hah! I've done it. I have figured it out! I now know what my problem is. I know why girls don't want to date me. Well, to be fair, some do. But the real hot ones, the ones that I am interested in and don't know all that well but want to get to know, they are the hold-outs.
You see, when a girl is ugly and a guy wants to set them up with a friend of his they always use the line, "Oh, but she has the best personality." That's not just a cliche. Infact, I still can remember one such blind date my bro-in-law set me up with last year that was a real sweet spirit...
So, does anyone ever wonder what is said in reverse? When a girl is tying to set her freind up with a guy who she obviously has no real intrest in, how does she try to sweeten the deal? I have learned only because I am that guy. They say, "Oh, but he has a great sence of humor."
Great, so i have an amazing sence of humor. So when a girl turns me down for a date, I will have no trouble at all finding a way to make a joke of it. and if you read down some, you'll find one such occurance.
So in a nutshell, my fault is just the very thing that you think would salvage me, my "great sence of humor". Cursed my witty ways! If only I had the personality of a dead moth or a wet rag, then I would have the mysterious guy thing going for me. And, as i have mentioned in prior enteries, I am without a doubt, the funniest guy in the world, so naturally, they must think i have some weird defect, perhaps under my clothes that they havent figured out yet. I suppose my riff about my 2 cardinal rules of dating, one of which is "never let her see you without a shirt on" only aludes to more abnomalities.
I think i must pledge to never say anything funny again. According to some, i have yet to start. If only I wasnt so darned funny that they wouldnt be destracted by that to notice my right sexxy bod...

These things are emailed all over, but this one i stole off of wendy's dakine. So, just for the heck of it, and i dont feel like being too funny right now, i'll do it...

5. FAVORITE SMELLS:
girls...what? They smell good.
also, arizona rain, much better than vegas rain.

6. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL:
fish, sewer, dirty girls...oh yeah, they have a smell,too. no good. I have that smell down by heart.

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD:
RE: my summer...

9. THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP?
Some day's it isnt worth it to knaw threw the leather straps.

11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME
i think i will make it a spin off of the book of Ether: The Son of Jared.
I also think i will have 12 sons. each will be named after one of the 12 tribes of israel. and to keep true to form as the scriptures would have, i wont even pay attention to the girls. they dont matter unless they are tempting some richeous guy to sin.

12. What IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?
True Love...not to blave...

15. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL
i used to. then i lost them. I also slept with Buska. when she dies, i will stuff her and sleep with a stuffed animal again...

18. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
Yep, but i honestly can say that I wish i hadn't.

22. GLASS - HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

23. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS:
ya sure, if i didnt thnalkj adlf; k lkja; jkakdhiuwnv.,xm thionadf.

24. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER:
6, dont ask why. I'm not sure, but i am pretty sure it has something to do with another represed childhood memory that has tainted me to the point that i have come to find it funny.

28. TOILET PAPER/PAPER TOWELS - OVER OR UNDER:
oh, what i dream of to use ACTUAL toilet paper again!

36. ARE YOU A PILLAR OF COMMUNICATION?
I got your pillar right here....!

37. WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
my life is REAL exciting these days. i think today it goes like this: lather, rinse, repeat.

39. HOW MUCH JEWELRY DO YOU WEAR
besides the nipple pearcings?

"I get it now, Death Therapy!" - Bill Murray What about Bob?


I know well that I am without a doubt the funniest guy in the world at this moment and time. I have learned to accept that and deal with it. (I suggest that you do the same.) But I still find it fun to see what others are saying and doing. I find gems of humor on a daily basis (mainly for sanity purposes). Today, one gem that stands out is from Stephelepsy. Her favorite body spray is Warm Vanilla Sugar. Girl things are weird. To me, it just sounds like something that would attract even more ants and other parasites into my already infested dorm room. While searching for it in the cubby below she finds bacon bits instead (ps steph, “bacon bits” is 2 words, not one (-: ). So if the bacon bits are under the sink, what took the void in the fridge? Ya, your sister is seeing spots right now after drinking Warm Vanilla Coke in a new spray dispenser. And now you know why dogs have been following you around, all of the bacon bits you have been applying to yourself in the morning. But, hey, guys like the smell, too.
Further, I was entertained by the story of the toilets. I feel like I was there. Why is it when girls encounter a leaking toilet, a bug, or anything that must be attended to right then to fix, they run to someone else to fix it instead. If it’s a speck of dirt on the floor, well then, they just tackle that right then and there, no waiting for something of that caliber. The child’s room is on fire? Better run to Mr. Husband to put it out…
That rant aside, let me get to where I was going. Steph admits there that she is afraid of toilets! Ya, I’m thinking the same thing you are… She says that WENDY-HOE understands. If wendy is also afraid of toilets, I can understand that, she lived in the dorms here at BYU-Hawaii for 4 months. That’s plenty enough of time to be scared for life, literally in some cases.
Want to know what one of the things I looked forward to the most about going home for the summer? It wasn’t my car, getting away from Fei, getting a job and money again, family, none of that shallow, supercilious stuff. It was the freedom to walk into my bathroom bare foot, sit on the toilet without a jerry rigged “butt-gasket” and walking out of the shower to my towel, naked.
See, here in the Hale (ha-lay, Hawaiian for dilapidated piece of…er… house) people don’t all have the same view of hygiene. Arabs like to throw the used toilet paper in the trash, since the plumbing is not so great where they come from. That makes for some great room air freshener. The Samoans and Tongans take the other extreme and flush 6-8 times. This may be graphic, but you have the same functions, so grow up. They let one log drop, and flush. Wait five minuets, and let one go again. Followed by another flush. Repeat as desired. This process makes the whole ordeal take 15-20 minuets; and that’s without reading material. I don't know how they do it. I've read too many articles about people on planes having spleens yanked out thru body cavities that way. And the rush of air to the exposed crotch due to the air dispalcement, ya, thats and odd sensation. The logic behind this is that when you really have to go and the Polynesian is in the only stall, you get all excited and your bowels shift into place at the sound of the flush. It’s kina like Pavlov’s Anus. The Polynesian smirks, and continues.
After seeing the grizzly appearance of some of the other residents, you would not care to press your naked cheeks up against theirs, and so I don’t. I have to line the seat with our toilet paper. Only, the toilet paper here isn’t toilet paper. It’s napkins. Ya, napkins. The very same you use to wipe your face with in the much applauded Caf. And you wonder why I don’t care for the food, now you have an idea of what else it reminds me of.
We do not have those cool paper life vest shaped deals. Besides, I usually rip the thing open trying to get the centerpiece off. If I don’t, then the hanging part of the center piece will get wet and by the time I close and lock the stall, the bugger fell in the toilet. So, I use napkins. It takes forever and the humidity here makes them stick to your legs when you stand up. It takes a long time to successfully take a dump here.
Then you walk to the shower. The girl’s Hale is worse with hair as long as the tape worms on the floor of the shower. But I have come to learn from sad experience that many fun germs and things live on the floor of showers here. I don’t just mean the many cockroaches that go to the great watering hole to die. One foot wart was all of a warning I need to tell me never, NEVER, stand barefoot anywhere near a public bathroom.
So I act almost like Bill Murray in “What about Bob?” when I got to the lavatory. Baby steps on the slippers to the toilet. Samoan only on his third flush, come back in ten min. Bush teeth. Ants feasting on the remnants of tooth paste from last brush. Wash hands only to find no soap, but bacon bits in dispenser instead. Dry hands with napkins and go to throw them in the trash where I find that within the last 20 minuets Apu Nahasmepadepmelon went number two. If you need me I’ll be in the shower, struggling on my back, kicking my legs with the cockroach next to me...


P.S. On a lighter note, whether it was from having the rats eat it off or from deuling germs, the foot wart is now gone...

I do like green eggs and ham. I do like them, Sam I Am. - Geen Eggs and Ham by Head Chef Suess...er...Dr. Seuss


So after my last rant about the caf, things have been getting more interesting. We had, and I cant make something this bad up, “Sweet and Sour Soy Chicken Burger” Monday. Only, they used BBQ flavored patties, so it was really Sweet and Sour BBQ Soy Chicken Burgers. That night we had Lamb Curry, or so it was called. It had the uncanny ability to glow on it’s own strength. It resembled the look of items in the back of Spencer’s in the mall where the black lights are, only, there were no black lights. I took a picture of it with my phone. My phone has no flash, but it was not needed for this subject. An interesting feature was the long bones found in it. I think I found the femur of an ompa lompa.
Oddly enough, the god of cafeterias smiled on me last nigh, Dominos Pizza was served. Then today for lunch, a friend of mine who’s wife works at Dominos, gave me pizza. I fell asleep during dinner and had another friend invite me to help finish her dinner; she ordered pizza. I am now sick of pizza, a good food. Yet, still no desire for caf food hand prepared by Dr. Seuss. (His actual remains were fed to us 6 months ago, but his protégé cooks for us to this day.)

It's People! The Caf food is People...

Today as i walk in the cafeteria i find that the main course today is people..er...chicken adobo. Only, adobo must be different here in Hawaii, for it said "Adobe". I don't know, but the name "Chicken Adobe" dosent sound too appetizing. Still, it makes more sence than the time that we had "Fish & chips and Fries" for lunch last week.
So Shem, Jeff (a fellow RA) and i were discussing how they came to the conclusion to make chicken adobe. We deicided it was closer to the real content anyway. I speculated that the food was all leftovers from the MTC (missionary training center) in provo, maybe Brazil. That would explain why they sent me with a large box labled "Hazardous Waste" when i flew from there to here. My theroy is that they take the trays and scoop the food into a sorting grate. This grate seperates the food according to weight and size. Kinda like how a coin sorter works. Shem figured this would explain why they have a collection of used retainers in the back of the cafeteria.
They then take the food mixes and come up with fun sounding names for them. The creativity shows there. It's sort of like Willy Wonka's Cafeteria back there. They catch the freshmen swimming in the lake of chocolate milk all the time. (when you see one just floating there, dont touch him.) I figured they would often sneak over to the wall paper to take a lick, but the wallpaper isnt flavored, it's just left over food stuck to the walls. One of them licks the wall, "Hmm, this part tastes like chicken!" Then it hit me! Thats why we had Chicken Adobe today, that's what it was! They took the spatual, scraped the chicken skin off the wall, wraped it around a hotdog, used scotch tape to keep it on, then deep fried the whole thing. Voila! Chicken Adobe is served! They pocked fish bones into mine so i'd never suspect it wasnt a real animal. Shem found his retainer from the MTC there, and Jeff found the medical braclet of a missing freshmen in his chocolate milk...

"I have people skills [darnit]. I am good at dealing with people! Don't you understand that!? What the hell's wrong with you people!?" - Guy who gets fired in "Office Space"

Oh, a plethora of good stuff to wirte about today.

Last night, I was sitting in my hale (ha-lay) lounge watching what appeared to me to be as a new episode of "Futurama". I thnk it's a pretty cleaver show. So, half way thru this odd looking guy (basically looks like the mongolian version of my Bro in law, Mike) sits right down next to me. We are in MY lounge. He has his own. He knows no one in my lounge, including me. I guess you have to understand that I have the natural ability to attract the weirdest of the wierd folk. So he then askes me the plot. If you have ever seen Futurama, you know how the plots can be pretty difficult to explain, let alone to a guy that barley speaks english. He dosent get it, so i just tell him a nice lie to get him quiet. Then he would hear a word and ask me what it was. Amy was putting on nail polish and he asked, "What is Pole-ish." "A race of stupid people...but she's applying crud on her fingers..."
Next thing i know he is delving into all of his personal life. Did it make sence? No. Was it interesting? No. Was it even in english? Maybe.
I was getting tired of it when my show was over, i hadnt seen a bit of it since he came in, and now i realized it had been one hour without any peace and quiet. So, I then take my cell phone and send a text message to Lamb to call me. He dosent. So i send a text to Erika, she never misses a chance to call me. I got a text back saying that she was in a fireside and would call me later. D'oh. So, I thought about recording him. I have on min of this incoherent blabble. then i ramped it up and recorded him in video with my phone. It's some funny stuff.
Just as it has now passed an hour and a half, and i sunk into desperation and dispair, another foreiner from south korea walks by. This guy is just as bad. He calls me Jeremy. So I call him Donovan. I dont know what his name is, but untill he corrects me, i dont correct him. Donovan sits down and joins in the conversation. Joy! (how do you type sarchastic?) So I am now pinned between the 2. As I am about to submit to hopless bleak dispair for good and bid farwell to live, my phone rings! Lamb came thru!! "Oh, shoot! Sorry guys, I have to take this one. Hey." "Hey, whats so important." "What did you need?" "Uh, you called me." "Uh, ya, I think I do. Let me go check." "I think you've finally lost it." "Ya, it's in my room, let me go check." "Whatever."
So I hid in my room and rocked myself for fifteen min. I braved the cold outside to find that the box shaped mongolion had left, but Donovan was sticky. Cant shake him that easily. He then playes cruddy Korean music (brittney spears rip offs) and does me the favor of translating them. Worse than Backdoor Boys music. I look at my watch and grab a book. "Uh, gez, sorry, but it's getting sotra late and if i dont study now, i'll never do it." I had to be persistant, he wouldnt buy it otherwise. That didnt get him moving out of my lounge or away from my computer. So, I say, "well, i'm gona find a nice spot outside to read, you can stay in here if you like"
This was genious since it didnt matter what he did, i was free. As i step outside, it begins to poor rain. I dont care. I'm not going back for anyone. I walk to a nice covered bench, sit down and breathe. Then i open up my book to read, and the light above my head goes out...

If The Shoe Fits...

...wear it on your head...

So, it's saturday. I'm tired and at work. Two things i dont like. So, this is funny. I think i was a bit over confident when i wrote yesterday. I called the girl I was to go on a date with lastnight at 8:45, the time she was expecting and 15 min till it was time to go. She answered and said that she wanted to make tonight a "homework night" instead. Ya, right. I have no doubt in my mind that she meant it. It just means that she would rather spend Friday night at home in her room doing homework than hang out with me. Afterall, she is busy with all her many classes on SATURDAY so she cant just do her homework then!! I really didnt care that much for her anyway, but i was looking forward to getting out and doing something. say lavee. (I dont know french.)
So I went to the stuff anyway. I ran into Erika, Lisa, and Shem. the four of us have been haning out a bit lately.
We did talk of hanging out there while at lunch anyway, so i called a cell phone and met up with them. After doing the rock wall a couple of times and going head to head with Shem in the cool sumo suits (that was a great photo op), we went into the dance hall where i promptly ditched them for a change and left.
Oh, but wait, i forgot. While we were waiting to do the sumo thing, Shem was talking to Glen (the weird but cool hat guy on campus, no relation to wendy's hat guy) about auditions for the play. Apparently, Ferie, the director, had the list posted already. That was quick. He usually already has the cast picked anyway. Last play, he cast someone who didnt even try out. I dont think he cares about tryouts, but does them for show. Shem was speaking to Glen of the cast list posted as if he didnt know i had tried out too, or that i was even there...
Ya, he didnt want to mention it to me since i wasnt on the list. Here i thought I did the cool "rebel" thing and i didnt even get squat anyway. I should have stuck with the "i cant" excuse instead of the "i suck" one.
Either way, i went home last night thinking of how I was going to have a date finally and would probably be in a play against the housing's wishes and things were turning out OK after all. Nix. No date, no play, no big suprise. Let's see if today could get worse...

This is a link i found for some old school vintage computer ads. It's wild to see the "high tech" machines of the day...

Vintage Computer Ads

Vintage Computer Ads

Daily Report...

You dont want to end up with a guy like me, I'm a loner...a rebel...
-Pee Wee Herman Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure

I wanted to try out for the next school play, a farce by Molier. The is the same guy who did Tartuffe. It was funny, but I don't know about this one. I assume that it will be good. I asked my dorm mom is she would mind. She didn't seem to hot on the idea. She didn't say it, but basically it was no. I have had a heck of a summer and my time here thus far hasn't been all that hot either. So, I felt that i needed this creative outlet. At lunch today i was talking with some friends who are trying out: Jeff, Shem, Lisa, Erika. Jeff, also an RA, was talking about how the rehearsals are from 3-6pm. And not on wed. when i cant be there due to RA class and i wouldn't have to be there for every rehearsal. so i fully defied authority, signed up and then looked over the supplied monologues. I was auditioning only hours later. Little did i know, he wanted to see us do all three monologues on the page. I had the one almost down and did the other 2 as a cold read. I did surprising well on the anger fight one. A little too well. I think my sordid summer and past few months helped supply some fodder there. I was yelling and screaming as well as i could. I wasn't just loud, i felt it. I really felt the anger and hate. It was nice to emote again. I think i did better on the cold reads than the one i tried to memorize. After the lethargic experience of having a mock fight with air, I almost want the part that does that scene.

So, tonight i have what i think counts as a date. Ya, weird, huh? I didn't think it was a big deal, but now i want to back out. I figure i just need to try dating again. I sort of dated Steph for a time. It was nice, but with the huge distance, it just didn't seem to click right. I don't know. If she lived in AZ or I lived in Vegas, thing probably would have been different. Point being, I want to be in a relationship again. I think a good portion of what i missed so much about Fei was the relationship and not her. Don't get me wrong i did actually feel for her, but i was holding on to her when i knew i had to let go. I think part of that was that i had never had a girlfriend, or a hope of one, prior and didn't want to lose it if i could help it. So, i have also been leery of getting in a serious relationship. this girl i am hanging out with is not one that i am actually interested in. Not for a relationship anyway. But i think this will be just a friend thing. I have this habit of flirting with girls that i can just because I don't usually have anything happen anyway. I dont mean to. Well, sometimes i do, when i am interested, but doubt it will happen. This girl, she is nice, but i am not interested, she is just nice. This is about just getting out, not getting a relationship. If the right girl shows up in front of my face, than i am sure i will feel a lot more ready for some serious lovin'. Well, this got long. And now i digress.

Heaven Is...

There is a catchy song on the soundtrack to "Malcom In The Middle" (my favorite half-hour comedy, non-cartoon) called "heaven is a half-pipe". Today, i learned that to be false. The truth is, heaven is sleeping until you wake up on your own free will. I did that today. I was supposed to wake up at 6am and get ready for my lame exercise class where I was to run a mile and a half. But last night i ran into Jayce (J.C.). She opened up my eyes, i saw the sign. She is taking the internet version of it. It is 2 credits, not just the one i get, and she doesn't have to go to class 2 times a week. She doesn't have to meet with the class to play stupid mandatory games and she don't have to run the lame mile and a half. She has the same tests i do, and still is supposed to do the same workout journal. Over all, it boils down to this: she has less work and less exercise, more free time and more credit for it. Sign me up! Alas, too late to sign up for that class. So what? I'm just going to drop that lame class and have one less credit. It's only loosing one stupid credit that takes up 2 class periods a week and 20 min of working out every day. How can that be only one credit? So this morning. I woke up on my own free will at 7:18am. I looked at those red pulsating LDC lines that make up the number and let out a sigh of relief. Then, I knew bliss once again as i slowly rolled back over, turning my face on my imitation quartz time piece, and hit the 'snooze' in my head...

Good Sign of a Bad Day...

Ah, a good sign of a bad day. Last night, I was testing to see if some files on my computer were corrupted by attempting to play them. I started a movie "Billy Maddison". My roommate saw that and thought i was starting to watch it. So, I let it run while i took a shower and got ready for bed. I couldn't use the computer for my journal writing or email or homework, so i laid on my bed and watched it too. I fell asleep (i was tired). I came to just as the credits were rolling. I shut it all down and went to bed. I woke up at 7:50am on my own power. I realized that i forgot to set my alarm. Seeing how i have a class at 8, this makes things difficult. The good thing about living on campus is that it literally takes 2 min from bed to seat in class. I got dressed quickly and was in the good ole' GCB 140. I sat down and looked at the guy next to me. It was the guy who I home taught with last semester. Was he in my class? I never saw him before. I spoke up. "So, you're in my class?" "I think you're in MY class." It was CS201, it was Bro. Colton in the front of the classroom. But i checked my schedule just to make sure. Yup, that was the right class, at 11am. So i realized at 8 i was supposed to be in the classroom right next door, GCB150. Ahw. I quickly ran over there to find that they were engaged in a fun looking quiz. I took one from the teacher and sat down. Once we finished, he said, "This quiz was more of a way to see who would be on time. If you were on time, give yourselves an 'A', otherwise, a 'B'." I don't think my poor story will help me any.
Besides that, classes are just like usual. Pointless and filled with busy work. Ironically, most of my work is also filled with busy work. Today my dorm mom must be busy herself. She hasn't come in to find stupid little things for me to do yet. I shouldn't type that, I'm sure she can sense complacently from a mile.
The other night, I was working the night shift which should end by midnight. With five min to go, Mom walks in and asks that we go through the entire list, which is about 200 boys. When it is well past midnight-15, i ask if i can go since i have an exercise class at 7am and i work the morn shift. By 12:30, i was finally getting ready for bed.

Comfortably Numb...

I have become comfortably numb. Contrary to belief, it's not all that its cracked up to be.
Note to self: Pink Floyd lied.

Class day one...

Ya, it was...well...class. Ya know. School would be so much more fun if only those pesky classes didnt get in the way.
Today i was livid in one of my classes. It was the arbitrary P.E. class. I hate those classes. I hated them in grade school, i hated them in junior high, and high school. Why did i think in would enjoy them any more when I was in college? Well, i didnt really think i would. Its a core class i have to take. ya, that sucks. I figured i could just take it. When i get to the room, i find a young spry guy who seems like he might be cool. His name is Jared even. But sad expirence has only taught me that everybody else with the name of Jared is evil. The brother of Jared was good, but Jared...well....sub-par. Then there was that supid subway Jared. Ya, he sure progressed the name. So this jared goes thru the rules and class outline. Unlike most P.e. teachers, he saw it fit not to greade us on effort or improvement, he acctually thought it best to have us run a mile and a half and tell us where we fit in the "scientivically determined" ideal scale for us. If we hit par (i guess thats the word of the day), then an A. anything else, less. Same with bench presses, pushups, situps, etc. So, the jist is that out effort, medical condition or history. There is a reason i majored in COMPUTER GEEKDOM instead of Muscle Brain. I dont find it fair to have my accidemic standing suffer due to my phisical performance not meeting the criteria of some over educated scientists who probably couldnt make thier own quota. As soon as i was done with my classes i promply went to my counelor and switched to another teacher on a different day. I would drop the class altogether, but like i said, it is a core. I also droped it due to the fact that I have a class before it on one side of the campus, then i have that class on the other. I only have one hour to dress out, run, sweat and do all of those fun things, get back into the shower, change again and make it to my next class (institute) on the exact oposite side of campus and sit next to hotties who will i am sure wonder why i smell like i have just been running in circles in muggy tropical heat and look disgurntled for it as if i couldntl even get a passing grade on it. But that would never happen anyway.
Now i have that same class, different teacher, at 8 am. But no class after it. I can live with that. so i saved myself a semester i know i would not enjoy.
I did acually enjoy walking around and seeing all of my firends back today. Well, not ALL of my friends back, but my friends who did come back. I found out that many of them are engaged. And some i cant even say yet. I promised I wouldnt. I cant belive that i have to keep that a secret to my own blog, which, in case you cant tell yet, is now my journal entry for the day too. Why not? I just cant put the real good stuff in here. I have to cut and paste this and add the juicy stuff later. SPeaking of which, it's time to do that....

First Post...

Blog one. Stardate, 1.456.3482 and 3 halfs. I saw some friends blogs, so i figured that i would make one too. I doubt that i will ever keep this up to date well, but its fun and is like a journal, but everybody reads it and i cant put the really juicy stuff there. I am gearing up for school to start tomorrow. That should be the opposite of fun. I also spent time today making my website. http://www.geocities.com/jaredbodine
it should be basically up to date.
ok, tired of the computer now.
Bye.