"We may have lost the war, but we haven't lost our sense of humor. Even when we lose a lung, a spleen, a bladder, thirty-five feet of small intestine, two legs, and our ability to reproduce all in the name of the south, do we EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR?" - Dr. Arliss Loveless in Wild Wild West (1999)

Well, I have decided it is time to finish the act. I just bought the Krusty the Klown Home Neutering Kit. Don't cry for me Argentina, I'm gonna do it anyway. I think one would be amazed how much clearer he can think with such a simple procedure done. Honestly, I don't think too many women would object to either.

Since my summer which I am still trying to repress in the deep dark corners of my mind, my lips had only touched cups and toothbrushes...and my toothbrush wants to start seeing other mouths...

There are some limited exceptions. A week ago, I was at lunch sitting with some friends. The person sitting next to me was Heather. We were goofing around and she pointed to her cheek as if to suggest to kiss it. I knew she was playing around and had no intention of me actually doing it. Since I was feeling adventurous I did it anyway. She...well...let's just say I wouldn't have been supprised to see her scour her skin off with a brillo pad after that. Come now, it can't be that bad!
Later that night (at dinner) I ran into another friend who is a girl. She held out her hand for a handshake and I thought it would be cute and gentlemanly to kiss her hand instead. Kinda cheesy, but just to do something different than a cold handshake. She was less than enthralled. She took her hand and pressed the back of it against the cheek of a guy next to her. Ya, the guy was cute and all, but that wasn't quite the goal I was shooting for. These lips are poison ivy to the opposite sex apparently. Is it something I said?

A friend of mine recently attainted a plethora of tickets to see the new "Johnny Lingo". We all were told to get dates for Saturday night. I racked by brain for a girl who I would have an interest in dating and would go with me. At length, the friend with the tickets had me write a list of girls I would like to go with. I had a hard time doing that. One of the names was "Chicago". I call her that because the only time I actually got up enough nerve to talk to her the only information I got was where she was from. By the time I took in my next breath to ask her name she apparently had strapped on her best running shoes because she was replaced by a tumbleweed...and we were in-doors.
Once my paltry list was complete my friend did an "einy-menie-miny-mo". It landed on girl number 2 on the list. She looked at the girls name, looked back up at me and said, "Well, let's think of whom else you can ask." And here I was beginning to think I was the only person who thought she was out of my league!

I changed my mind, why should I go to such extremes to harm myself with the Krusty Brand Home Neutering Kit? I'll save the money on name brand tools and borrow Heather's brillo pad once she hits bone...