"And in the morning when I wake up, I look like Kiss but without the makeup. And that's a good line to take you to the bridge." - Robbie Williams in Strong

I hate waking up early. It's never a pretty sight. To think that some people still try to see me in such a condition. Jessica begged and pleaded with me to go with her to exercise. I caved in like I usually do. My future wife had better appreciate my lack of spine. Most men would put their foot down. Rather, I will offer to put mine up when she vacuums under it.
Back to the point at hand. I was up at about 1:00am when Jessica called to force me into exercising with her at 7am. My alarm went off as planned early. I got up and started to get my things together when I discovered my wallet missing. If you do not have an ID you can not get into the gym. I run all over the hale (dorm) looking for my wallet. I even went to the front office to see if I left it there. After claiming defeat at 7:10 I found it in a drawer I don't normally use. I get to the gym and tell Jessica, "Not one negative word or I will show you My definition of the word "exercise" is by taking a walk through the park on my way back to my bed. Got that?" She said nothing.
As I sat on the stupid bike machine I wondered why people can't do this on a real bike and enjoy better scenery than the unwashed masses that help permeate the odor that makes you feel like an overworked stable boy. As I was pondering how to make a sentence as descriptive as the prior without punctuation, I looked around to see that I was the only guy on anything other than a treadmill. I was not aware of this, but the only exercise equipment men can use is a treadmill or possibly a rowing machine...and there were no rowing machines around. I felt like such a chick peddling with the girls on either side of me. I actually was craving a bon-bon and wanted to read a book in Oprah's book club! That would give me more to talk about when I call my sister Wendy...
When the humiliation was over and I got to leave I noticed how my butt felt bigger. It may have been just swollen from sitting awkwardly. It also could have been estrogen I absorbed from the previous occupant who expelled more water than a drunken Irish man in front of the Blarney Stone. All I know is that if I start to get cramps I will never go to that cursed gym again.
But now that I think about it, being a girl now might have some advantages after all.

• If someone says something mean I am not expected to forgive them, I have the right to keep the grudge and just pass it off as "issues".
  
• If at any moment I don't feel like being where I am, I can cry for no reason and leave the room. No one will ask why.
  
• If at any moment I want a guy whom I like to notice me, I can cry for no reason and leave the rest up to him. No one else will ask why.
  
• If a guy and I don't agree on something all I have to do is make some stupid Adam and Eve joke which doesn't really apply and storm off thinking victory is mine before he can rebuttal.
  
• If there is an argument that does not end with a guy, I have the right to be angry and make him try to make it up to me. And I know he will.
  
• I know that as long as there are two or more of my kind in the same room I will end up shooting the opposing guy in any disagreement, right or wrong.
  
• If I want to date all I have to do is give some hints to a guy. If he isn't interested and shoots me down I can call him "stupid" for not getting my hints rather than being hurt.
  
• If I ever need an excuse I can have the third, fourth, or even fifth period of the month. As long as the guy doesn't have a "flow chart" for my cycle, he'll never know and can never challenge it.
  
• Whenever I don't like a product that all women wear, such as high heels, nylons or some types of bras, I can blame it on a stupid male inventor. I will never admit that I chose to wear them to compete with other girls.
  
• I can cry about "saving the whales" through my perky and ruby red lips which are only that way due to fat insertion and coloring made out of whale blubber. And no one can call me on my hypocrisy.
  
• I have the right to do any seductive action for attention, yet yell at men for noticing it.
  
• I have the right to check out girls more than guys do. This is of course for comparison purposes so I can tell men how unattractive I am in a snare to force them into feeding me compliments.
  
• I have the right to blame men for my pregnancy even though I was at least 50% involved in the process. (And 100% involved in the gestation period.)
  
• I have the right to say the same cliches about a woman prerogative whenever I don't have a valid reason as to why I am doing or saying anything.
  

That is a short glimpse into the life of She-red. My female self. With that list of attributes you wonder why anyone would want to spend any time with me? It's a wonder men want to be with women for life like they do. I think we should get metals just for putting up women. For a good enough reasons why, see the above billeted items.

Where can I pick up my metals?