So last week I did a stand-up routine for my ward tallent show. It was pretty funny if I do say so myself. Just for kicks, I'll put it in here:
"Thanks, thanks. They wanted me to perform and seeing as how I have no musical tallent, this is what I do. If you don't belive me, wait till the second half when I will sing (and I did). It's good to see such a good turnout, and so early in the show. This ward looks a lot smaller when sacrament starts at 8am. Usually we have about three people, and that's the Bishopric. So anyway, how is everyone doing tonight? Did you all arrive in safety? You know how that is important. Otherwise every man woman and child will have to pray in church next Sunday, “to please bless those who couldn’t be here this week so that they will be here next week. And that we will all arrive home in safety.” It’s protocol. You know.
We do some funny things in the church. We have to say those things that everyone expects us to. When we bless the food, it must “strengthen and nourish us”. There is no way around it. And don’t you think for one second that it can “nourish and strengthen us”. That would be almost like sacrilege. That would make us look at each other during the prayer and realize that everyone else has there eyes open and make us think less of them for it.
We can be pretty strict of each other in the gospel. We think that some people should be totally perfect and that others have a “get out of sin free” card; usually ourselves and celebrities.
Like when I was in Hawaii I had one woman tell me once, “You know, (puffing on a cigarette) our Bishop isn’t a good example. (Exhales the smoke) He went to Tesoro gas last Sunday because they had a special deal on gas, 5% cheaper that day.”
“I see, how did you find out?”
(Another puff) “I was behind him in line pay for my Miller Genuine Draft.”
I’m not justifying the Bishop’s practice of Sunday purchasing. It sickens me that he would do that! Last April I was trying to watch Showgirls on TV but instead Hinkley was on TV! Some sort of Conference thing… On a Sunday! Even the prophet was working on that Sunday.
You know, I think that sometimes we forget that the prophets are and were real people. Don’t you ever wonder what goes thru their minds? I mean the stuff they didn’t put in the scriptures. We know from the Book Of Mormon that Moroni saw us and our day. So, when did he write these things? When he was on a small camping hike from South America to upstate New York! All the while knowing that he had wild Indians on his trail trying to kill him! And he wasn’t traveling light. Imagine all the heavy gold and brass and other metal scriptures. Then he gets a vision of the fat drunk lazy truck drivers; hauling trailers that were bigger than his idea of mansions down a paved road in the middle of the desert.
“Yeah, Bubba, I got to haul this whole load from Memphis to California! Its tuff, but I manage.”
“Tuff?! Follow me for one day!”
Then he saw the new versions of the book of Mormon. You know the small new ones? They are about 4-5 in wide and 6 in long. They easily can fit in your pocket. The paper is so thin you almost have to break out the tweezers just to turn the page. I got a pair when they came out because they were so cool. I then had to spend a grand or two on Lazik just so I could read the darn tiny print.
Moroni takes it in his hands, “What in the name of Nephi are these things?...The book of Mormon?...You mean that I hauled 30lbs of pure gold from Porte Vieira to Palmyra while dodging saplings when God could have just given me this stuff in a stylish leather case? Well, at least it’s all there…What the….Where is the book of Lehi?...He what?!....Geez, if I knew that Martin Harris was just going to loose it anyway, I would have taken that 5lbs of weight out of my backpack! I think I will have some choice words with him at the bar…the gold bar.”
Then we have Brigham Young. You’ve got to wonder if he is somewhat bitter when he sees a Mormon family of 8 driving from East coast to West coast in their big comfy Suburban. “Oh, well I guess it is o.k. It’s not like those cars would have made it out here on these kind of road conditions anyway.”
Then he gets a vision of the Jeep and Hummer. “Ah….I feel like saying something that J. Golden Kimball wouldn’t dare repeat.”
That’s why I think that some prophets were just made to be in the times that they were. It would seem out of place to have some of these prophets using modern technology. If Joseph Smith was still a few hundred years later, he wouldn’t have even needed Oliver Cowdry to be a scribe; or anyone probably. He would just go to his fancy new age laptop, “Prophets Log: Stardate 10 dash 8 point 2. I Nephi having been born of parents goodly…uh… wait. Take two in 3, 2, 1. I Nephi having been born of goodly parents…”
Tanks, I’m Jared Bodine. You’ve been wonderful and laughed enough. Arrive home in “peace and safety”. And obey all traffic laws on the way. Good night."
One thing I realized is that people who are from other countires (about half of the audience) just dont get much of the jokes. That and I speak fast when performing. Oh, well. I think it was good no matter what others say...and we do all know that I am the funniest man on the earth at this time, right?