Saturday, March 27, 2004

Blood Scare...

The Chief, Thaddeus: Max, this will undoubtedly be the most dangerous mission you've ever gone on. You probably won't get back alive.
Maxwell Smart: If you're trying to scare me, Chief, you're wasting your time. I don't know the meaning of the word fear.
The Chief, Thaddeus: You'll parachute from six thousand feet.
Maxwell Smart: I think I just learned it.

- Get Smart (1965)

Phew!!! That was scary! I was on the cell phone making my usual rounds of calls home since I have free long-distance and unlimited weekend minuets this morning. Half way through the conversation I get a call from a number that I didn't recognize. I let it go. Then I called the number back after the conversation. The guy at the other end answered, "Aloha, Blood bank of Hawaii." First thing that came to my mind was, "Oh, my gosh! I've got Aids!"

I think you may remember a past blog about me donating blood. One thing I remember from every time I go in is lying on the table after my blood is drained, I'm "resting" and reading a stupid card they give you to pass the time. I think I have it somewhat memorized. When I realized it was the Blood Bank that was calling me, I thought back to it. "If you blood results come back with any positive results of disease or illness, you will be contacted via phone in a few weeks." How long was it since I last gave blood? How in the world did I contact an STD? The most contact I had with a girl in the last...long time was a hand shake and maybe mild dancing. Seeing how much I dance and how terrible I am at it, that was most likely not a cause. Two weeks ago I watched a pro-abstinence video that used the scare technique. By the time I was done watching it, I was afraid to even make eye contact with a girl. They'd look at me and I freak out. "Get away from me you petrie dish of pestilence!!! I won't look into your eyes, you might suck out my soul! Leave this holy sanctuary of worship and never come back!"

"Uh, Jared, I'm in your class."

"Tempt me not spawn of Satan!"

I guess the problem I have with the law of chastity is not that I can't keep it. I have a hard time being able to break it. I won't even hold a girls hand unless my intentions are legit. And if I do like her and want to start a relationship, I'm to petrified to try it. You can see how this makes for a bad combination. The last form of anything "intimate" I had was a kiss last July (it's March). She lived in Vegas, I was in Arizona at the time. Not easy for follow-up visits, especially since I moved back to Hawaii shortly after. So there you have it. Nothing, but yet, the Blood Bank Of Hawaii finds it necessary to call me on a Saturday to tell me something that could be vitally important.

"Uh, yeah, I got a call from this number."

"Oh, yeah," the guy on the other end seems like he was just lying around at home and he got a call for his mom, "hold on a second."

Later a female voice on the other end chirps up, "Hello, Blood Bank of Hawaii."

"Hi, I got a call from this number." On the inside was saying, "I'll never do it again! I wont even share air with the opposite sex, I promise! Just let me go and sin no more!!!"

She asked my name in a very nonchalant way, almost too much so. If it wasn't so nonchalant, at least I'd know where this was going. Eventually she admitted the situation, "Ah, yes, Mr. Bodine. We were calling you to," here it comes..., "invite you to donate blood again." What!? That's it? "We'll be back on campus again soon and would like remind you. We could schedule an appointment now or you could do it then."

"Uh...I..." Thank you God, "I guess I'll just wait till they come and make an appointment then if that's ok."

"Sure, thanks for your time."

"No problem" and don't you EVER call me again unless I am dying of syphilis!!!

I think I'm gonna get that lady's home number and call her up on a Sunday morning. "Hi, ma'am. This is Dave Mechelhimer," That name sounds way to official to be made up... "from the county morgue. How is everything at home?" Ah...enjoy the awkward silence "I'm calling to...well...let me make sure I have the right household first. Can I get your full name?" She will ask what it's about, but I'll refuse to say anything until I verify her identity. "Ok, I got the right people, I was just calling to let you know that we are having an auction on Tuesday of all the leftover items from our dearly beloved who had no bereaved to inherit them. You are a valued patron and if you want you can reserve your seat now or just show up at the door. Thanks and have a wonderful day!" Click

Friday, March 26, 2004

I wanna know, can you show me
I wanna know about these
strangers like me
Tell me more, please show me
Something's familiar about these strangers like me

- "Strangers Like Me" by Phil Collins

I have just joined a secret combination...well...not so much of a's more like a world wide public realm thing.

Most of the people on the "ring" have primarily LDS and Mormon based entries. Mine are more like my life in general. But being an RM and currently attending BYU-Hawaii, I think I'd fit in well enough.

If you are joining me for the first time, I recommend you see my history. Some of my funniest stuff was back in '03, so feel free to be nostalgic for me. You will notice my links on the right with this new set of links looking like this: "<<?|LDS Blogs|list>>."

It's been prophesied that we'd cover the earth like a stone cut out of the mountain without hands...I somehow doubt that the internet and blogs are what Daniel had in mind...
Out of the frying pan, into the womb of fire...

I think I know why I have stopped reading as much news as I used to when I worked in radio. Some things just agravate me. One such example would be an article I read about a new bill that will make it so people who attack pregnet women will be tried for 2 counts on behalf of the fetus. The Associated Press (AP) reports the bill states that an assailant who attacks a pregnant woman while committing a violent federal crime can be prosecuted for separate offenses against both the woman and her unborn child. The legislation defines an "unborn child" as a child in utero, which it says "means a member of the species homo sapiens, at any stage of development, who is carried in the womb." I like that idea, but what gets me is the hypocacy that surrounds this. You can read the article here if you want the whole story. I will offer clips and commentary.

"Pregnant women who have been harmed by violence, and their families, know that there are two victims - the mother and the unborn child - and both victims should be protected by federal law," the president said in a statement applauding congressional passage.

This is a stance that people don't chalange. But then you have the opposition: But abortion rights lawmakers contended that giving a fetus, from the point of conception, the same legal rights as its mother sets a precedent that could be used in future legal challenges to abortion rights. ...The key obstacle was an amendment by Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif., that would have imposed the same tougher penalties for attacks on pregnant women as outlined in the DeWine bill but made no attempt to define the beginning of life.

When did this become an issue about when "life" begins? Do they feel that just becuase Congress says that life dosen't start untill 3 months or any other number of months that then thefacts of the matter will change? If Congress says life starts at 6 weeks in the womb, we can kill it at 5 weeks and 6 1/2 days. If they say 8 weeks we'll wait till 7 and 3/4. Either way, the same deed is done.

The Senate bill covers 68 federal crimes of violence, such as drug-related shootings, violence at an international airport, terrorist attacks, crimes on a military base and threats against a witness in a federal proceeding.

Now that's intersting. You can get 2 counts of a federal offence for threatening a pregent woman in court but get a paycheck for acting on it and destroying the child in a doctor's office.

That brings me to the part that caught my eye the most: It would specifically exclude prosecution of legally performed abortions - a fact supporters cite in arguing that the bill would not undermine the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision affirming a woman's right to end a pregnancy. "The criminals who commit these crimes are not committing abortions," said Douglas Johnson, legislative director of the National Right to Life Committee. "They are depriving these unborn children of the right to life. It's a separate issue related to the right to life."

There you have it. A child in the womb has the right to put you in jail for trying to harm him, unless you are the doctor or the mom. If Mom pays the cash, than according to Johnson, it's A-ok to kill. If they are commiting abortion, it is not a problem. If it is a "crime", we have a problem. It's the same kind of woman that would seek an abortion that would use her child as collateral to take full advantage of this bill.

"This would be the first time in federal law that an embryo or fetus is recognized as a separate and distinct person under the law, separate from the woman," said NARAL president Kate Michelman.

Heaven forbid! We can remove a child like a cancer, but can't think of them as a seperate being untill it breathes air. That having been said, I step off my soapbox and pass the mic on to the next man.

Monday, March 22, 2004

Out of the womb, into the wallet...

My parents came to visit me. It was odd. Not the way you would have guessed it. The odd part was how odd it wasn't. Did I lose you there? I went on a mission for two years and came home to a family I had little communication with for that time. I had to readjust. It was weird being around my parents again. I grew accustomed to it. Then I moved to Hawaii to go to school. I was only gone for 4 months when I came home for Summer. From August 1st to present, I have not left the island. I figured seeing them again would be odd. Instead it was like old times. I hugged my mom, then my dad and I had that awkward moment. Not from not having seen each other, but from wondering what form of contact would be appropriate for the occasion. You see, my dad and I don't make physical contact. Any contact? Well, maybe eye contact, sparingly, but that's about as close as it gets. We did a sort of salute. It worked. Then they told me the adventure of their stay on Kauai before they visited me.

Not long after they got there, Mom had lost her credit card. She looked everywhere for it. Dad sat by mildly amused. While fussing over the credit card, Mom had gotten out of the car and my dad followed, also preoccupied by the event. This caused him to forget the fact that the keys to the car where still in said car. They had to get on the phone, call the card company to cancel the card and call the car rental place to have them send a new key over via taxi (which cost them). When they got the new key they opened the door, and Mom opened her purse to find the card neatly placed in it (probably obscured form the 10 packs of free butter and 72 napkins and 2 rolls smuggled out of the restaurant they went to for dinner the prior night). It was funny and less surprising than it should have been. I was just glad they did have the right car and found their way back to the airport in time for the flight.

While here we had fun. We went around the Polynesian Cultural Center (PCC) for a day.

Parents at the Easter Island display of the PCC

Then came the time for them to meet Jessica. Everybody was way too excited for this, including me. It was like a test in everybody's mind. My mom asked how they did after meeting Jessica. Jessica asked me how she did. I asked myself why I just do so well. Questions all around...

While at the Seasider (our poor excuse for a diner) eating ice cream I got a call from a friend of mine and we made plans to go to Winter Ball together. After my phone conversation, Mom looked at me causiously, then to Jessica, then back to me. Dad looked at his ice cream.

The next morning after my mom told me to go back and comb my hair again and she folded my clothes in my dorm room (glad to have no roomate), she pulled me aside and said it was unwise and perhaps insensitive to mention that I was going with another girl to the Winter Ball right in front of Jessica. Jessica also made mention of that to me later the night I made the plans asking if my mom was worried about her. Good call. I had to disarm my mom so I told her the truth. Jessica was asked weeks ago by another guy and had already made her plans. My mom was not relieved, but reconciled.

We spent much of the time having casually sight seeing. While taking a road trip to see the other side of the island (Makaha), my mom looked at my father and asked one of the most poignet and thought provoking questions of our time, "Is God a tuna?"

Mom has had her share of blonde moments. That's why she has dyed her hair brown, because she wanted to know what it was like to be a blonde (her own words). But this one was unique. It wasn't even what we dub "happy hour" which is a magical time of night, around 9pm, when she gets punch drunk and goofy as a retarded kitten swimming in cat nip. After the laughter had ceased, we realized that she saw a bumper sticker in either Tongan or Samoan which had the word "Atuna" on it. She wondered if that word translated into English as "God". That made more sense. Most of what she does will make sense - if you have the time to decipher it.

At the end of our last day together we were in Kaneohe. They had to go back into Honolulu for the second time that day to fly home. The first was just the two of them...and Jessica. Don't ask, I don't wanna talk about it. To save them another long drive back to Laie, I offered to just take The Bus home. When my bus drew near, I hugged Mom again to say goodbye. I looked at my dad and pondered the appropiate departure protocol. I had ruled out the sporty slap of the butt. The kiss on the cheek was creepy. Hand shake at this juncture would just be cornball. I tried an experiment. I put my arms out and tried a hug. It was stuff, a bit ridged and probably the second hug we had. There might have been an accidental one at my missionary homecoming in all the confusion. I was glad to see them. Suprisingly not as glad to see them go as I would have guessed. I would probably be trying to hang myself in the shower right now if I were to still be living there, but it was fun to be with them (absence makes the heart grow fonder).

While here they took me to the PCC (I got them great discounts), bought be a few meals, some laundry soap, a new pair of pants and shorts, new slippahs, a t-shirt and an Aloha shirt. I appreciated the gifts which I was not expecting. I neglected to get my mom a birthday gift (which was the day after they left) due to lack of opportunity and fiscal security, but she assured me that seeing me was all the gift enough. After having them buy me gifts and being with them, then comparing the two, I think I am starting to see what that trite phrase means. There may be something to it after all.

...but I'm not above taking any more free gifts they may feel inclined to offer...

Monday, March 15, 2004

Iceman: Hell of a bird, had this baby up to mach 3 yesterday.
Pilot: You were going mach 3 on a 727?
Iceman: I was shaving with a Mach 3. When you shave with a Mach 3, you have no time to think. You think, you're dead.

- Val Kilmer as Iceman on Saturday Night Live

Sometimes I think biting the bullet is actually cheaper. Today I went shopping for a new blade. No, I'm not suicidal, I just got tired of bleeding while shaving and thought it might be time to get a new razor that cuts at least twice as much hair as skin. For some time I have been an avid supporter of the Gillette Mach 3. Why? Maybe because of the blades.

The Mach 3

Back in the day, a man had one long thick blade he'd buy and use for life. Then the idea of having a leather strope hanging in the bathroom got to be too much for women to handle so small portable ones came along. They had a good solid metal handle and a sturdy blade, they didn't last as long, but they would clean a face right up after each use. They were too heavy and would stick to your hands on a cold morning so then came feminine plastic ones. Again, one blade. These were "disposable" meaning you still paid enough for them, but got less use out of it. They were cheaper per razor, but a short term rental. The cheap blade was razor thin (imagine that) so then came a "duo" blade. Wow, two cheap blades for the price of one and a half! They did cut better. And they would wear out the same time as one blade. Along came the late 90's and razor technology was at a standstill when suddenly Gillette raised the bar and price tag of shaving with the Mach 3.

On my mission, the thing I liked about transfers was the inherentance factor. If you came into a new pad (lingo for apartment) and something was left on your side of the room, it was now yours. If you were staying but your companion was leaving, you had only hours to scour the pad for any left behind goods and confiscate them before the new guy figured out that they weren't already yours. In my second area, when I came in, there was a guy who left didn't pack his Mach Mach 3. I loved the fine close shave. It HAD to be the 3 blades. My first one was free, once I was hooked, Gillette had me right where it wanted.

In the following areas, the first thing I would do is scour the area for new blades. I made it my mission (besides saving souls) to get free Mach 3 blades. The real reason was the cost; dang expensive. After hoarding all the blades I could muster and using them long past expiration, I had run out as of late. That's why I went shopping for them for the first time.

I went to the razor isle. There were no Mach 3 blades there, only new razors. That's one way they get you. Then I saw the new "Quatro"! Wow, they had done it. They found a way to make 4 blades on a single head. I think the day is not far off when we can buy a razor head with 30 blades, do one swipe across the face and toss it away after each use. The cut will be so close you won't even know you had a nose. While musing on this idea, I realized that I was still far from my shaving dilemma. I then had a recollection in my mind of where it is that I usually see the heads. They are neatly stowed in the checkout lane with the candy. Funny, at Halloween they take candy from kids because some sicko may have put razor blades in it. The rest of the year, you find them all on the same isle...
So I got myself some candy and a sharp object to slash myself for guilt of eating it - that and paying for it. How much would you pay for some disposable blades? How about a 4 pack? I paid over $12. I was getting stubbly and didn't want to go through the process of buying a new razor and blades, so I broke down and did it. I don't plan on replacing them any time soon either. They put these handy "blue usage strips" on the razor. The thing is basically some paper strip with blue water colors that comes off after 2 uses. They assume that missing blue line will invoke some sort of fear into our hearts. Well you can't fool me!

I think the time has come for a boycott. I should just break down and buy disposable razors for the female leg. I am not what one would call and "experienced" man, but I do know that an unshaved female leg has twice the sandpaper quality as any man's face. If those dinky disposable guys can cut through that forest of despair, I'm sure my face can get a clean shorn shine; and for many shaves into the future. I'm tired of your taking my money, Gillette!

Still, I had already got my new blades. So I will use what I got and hope to find more when students check out of the dorms this summer. I was happy to finally have my new blades. First thing I did was run home and shave...then bleed...then cover up the cut spots with tissue...then cuss out Gillette one last time...

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Well, what'da know...

My sister found this pic:

Looks like Fei if she were a fairy. I don't know where she found it, but it's way cool. They put the caption on the bottom, they accidently spelled the name wrong, but it's still pretty cool.