Monday, April 30, 2007

Quality Control...

While casually surfing the net for...who knows, my usual stuff. I took notice of a banner add on the side. I normally disregard them, but for some reason, this picture kept coming up. And then I noticed something very, very wrong with it.

Is it just me, or was the white spot light shining up between her legs on a white bikini bottom a bad idea. I'm not some sicko pervert, but this pic makes me wonder if this is some sort of Bangkok He-she Teen contest.

No, I didn't bother going to the actual site advertised. If this is what gets through their quality control for an enticement to visit, I can only imagine what quality of college girls they got on the docket.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Humans Need Computers To Find Out That Monkeys Don't...

Thanks to my subscription to Kim Komando's Daily News, I found this article about a zoo giving computers to orangutans. I'm a computer guy. So, of course I think that's cool. But what I don't understand is why they felt it was necessary.

"The data will help researchers learn about socializing patterns..." Socializing patterns? Don't they know that people that play on computers all day DON'T have social skills? And computers don't make it any better, either.

Somehow, they figure that the more the monkeys play with the computers, "the more we'll understand about what they need to survive in the wild," said Tara Stoinski, manager of conservation partnerships for the zoo. She continues, "It enables us to show the public how smart they are." Which frankly, I'm not sure that helps them survive in the wild.

"In one game, orangutans choose identical photographs or match orangutan sounds with photos of the animals -- correct answers are rewarded with food pellets." Ya, once they get this habit in their system they'll find food real naturally in the wild. "Hopefully we can get the animals to find better sources of food more easily." Well, yeah, matching pictures on a screen is easier, again, not very helpful in the wild."

"The orangutans use a touch screen built into a tree-like structure that blends in with their zoo habitat." I'm sure that will help them survive in the wild as well. When they go to some tree in the wild and try to check their Gmail and subsequently get shot by poachers they'll try to log onto WebMD to diagnose the problem.

But I will admit this, I look forward to reading their blogs. I think I could use some more hi-brow intellectual humor than I currently get from the blogs I read now.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Yup, It's Yap...

Of the islands that I cover for my job, Yap is one that I was wondering if I would never go to. So, I finally got to go there.

The worst thing about going to Yap is the time. It seems that Continental Airlines and Yap have some differences, so to stick it to them, Continental only has flights to Yap at 5am. Therefore, you have to go to the airport at 3am. You can imagine how perspective tourists would be apprehensive about going there.

I was only on the island of Yap for 24 hours, so I had to make the time count. First I had to make sure that I accomplished what I came there for. I landed at the airport and later realized that I got a picture of a tourist taking a picture of a tourist. I hate that...

If you’ve seen one of the Micronesian Airports, you’ve seen them all.

After getting your rental car, make sure you fill your car up. They often do not come with a full tank of gas. And you just need to return it filled to the same level as when you got it. Also, since the return flight is also at 5am, you have to fill your car at the local gas station the night before since it will be closed. If the car is half full when you get it, fill it up right away and you’ll never need to put more in. Yap isn’t that big.

I forgot to get gas in time, and these gas stations are not like the ones that you are used to. They are not exactly the 24 hour operations that we have in the U.S.

If Johnny Lingo had a car, this is probably where he’d gas up.

The car rental place had to charge me for the gas. Luckily, I didn’t travel far.

But I did travel far enough to see some of what you’d expect in Yap. People who know nothing about Yap seem to know one of two things. Either that the women often walk around bare breasted or that Yap uses (or used) stone money. Being a somewhat family friendly site, I'll talk more about the stone money instead.

When I mentioned stone money to my sister, Lacey, she suggested that I try to get some and maybe give some to my nieces and nephews. First of all, they are not all over the place. They are considered artifacts, and you are not supposed to take the off the island. And second, well, this is a sample of what stone money looks like:

This is family fortune of this household…showoffs…

The above is not the largest either. Some is as tall or taller than a human. Somehow, I imagine that it would be hard to fit that in my kangaroo scrotum change purse. Maybe if I used a whale’s…do they make those?

Anyway, the stone money is more of a cultural thing, there isn’t much actual cash value to them today. And even if there was, it’s awfully hard to conclude the value. The size or weight is not the determining factor. The stone material is always from other islands. And the hardship it took to bring it, the people that died getting it there, the hardship and amazing story of the origin is the sum of it’s worth. You know how old people can be. They always tell stories and embellishment is the norm. Who knows the true story? So, don’t invest in the stone money banks, you might not get much of a yield on that.

After working on the computer that brought me out, rebuilding it from the ground up and finishing my job, I decided to get home. On a small island, it’s hard to get lost. And luckily I didn’t, thanks to the cool street signs.

Now that’s a street sign!

What I wasn’t aware of was how hard those signs are to read at night. Yap is dark at night, very dark. And waking up before the sun rises to find an airport that you’ve only driven away from is more difficult than it sounds. I know Yap isn’t rich, but a street light or two isn’t too much to ask for, is it?

I “Forrest Gumped” my way to the airport only to find that I woke up at 2:30am unnecessarily. And I drove around in the dark worrying about the time only to find out that my plane would be delayed. I wouldn’t be leaving until 9am anyway. Luckily for me, the three seats in the waiting area were full the old grandmas which didn’t have any shirts, and the beetlenut spit all over kept me in the Yapese spirit for just a few more hours.

I arrived home much later than expected and very tired. It’s times like that when you regret getting an apartment on the third floor with no elevator. Maybe I should have left that 300-pound stone coin in Yap.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Hair, Hair, Hair...

Men always have a bad rap when it comes to being hairy. My brother-in-law, Aaron, leaves so much hair behind that my sister asks him to literally shave the toilet seat when he's done using it...every time.

I think, and now have proof, that the problem is more with the women than the men. In the time that Anna has been here, I have seen more hair-tumbleweeds than ever before in my life.

Just yesterday, we had a shower and after it the tub was clogged with hair. We had to bunch it up and move it just to let the water drain. Today, while Anna was in the shower I noticed that in two days we have amassed enough follicles to make three wigs and and a parka (and with some left over to donate to Brittney Spears).

And if you think this is bad, you should see the inside of the shower!

Don't get me wrong. I love my wife. And I love living with her. And there is nothing about our living conditions that I would want changed. But the fact of the matter is that she sheds like a Siberian cat in August while on chemotherapy.

So, before we always give the men a hard time about hair, lets just remember that we all have hair and we all leave it behind. Except for me of course, because I have absolutely no body hair at all...

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Island Coverage...

Download the P.O.'d Cast Here!

The triumphant return of the P.O.'d Cast is back! I rattled this one off in my head rather than write it down first, so I didn't bother to transcribe it. I did, however, script out the most important parts for you to enjoy.

The Arizona Radio version:
Hang on tight, Kong-Rey has been promoted to typhoon strength. I'm Jared Bodine.

Tropical storm Kong-Rey has been upgraded and is now Typhoon Kong-Rey, which continues to intensify as it moves towards Saipan, Rota and Guam.

As of 1 p.m., Kong-Rey was located 295 miles east-southeast of Guam. The storm is moving northwest at 15 mph. It is expected to continue north-northwest over the next 12 to 24 hours.

Maximum sustained winds have increased to 75 mph. The typhoon may reach sustained winds of 95 to 110 mph within the next 24 hours.

Guam residents remains in Condition 2 of Readiness. That means Residents are urged to put up storm shutters, secure their homes and stock up on food, water and other supplies.

Guam Waterworks Authority officials advises residents to save about one gallon per person per day in the event water service ceases during a storm.

Keep it tuned in here to this station for further updates.

Now, for the version I've been hearing on the local radio here.

Kiss your loved ones goodbye, as the storm turned typhoon makes it way to your house to destroy all you love. I'm Jared Bodine.

As Murphey's Law would have predicted, the tropical storm known as Kong-Rey should now be referred to a typhoon, and the name "King-Kong" is more fitting as it will most certainly clear a path of destruction upon all of Guam and it's residents.

The time to stock up on food was yesterday, as the stores are filled with people, crawling over each other like hungry zombies, vying for a spot to buy what is left on the emptying shelves.

You may wish to cover your windows, but that will help you little as the the typhoon is bound be stronger than any brand of duct tape you purchased to seal your tin shack. And once the roof is ripped of, you won't even remember where the windows once were anyway.

If by some miracle the the typhoon does not kill you and does not render this station incapacitated, keep the dial here for further updated. May God have mercy on us all.

Download the P.O.'d Cast Here!