Saturday, August 28, 2004

Da Gangsta Life, know what I'm sayin'?...

I have to hand it to computer geeks. They can really do funny things. I was visiting another blog and she recomended killing some time at this site. It transforms a regular site's language to gangsta lingo. It's got some cuss words that I'm not fond of, but it's pretty funny to see what they do. I recomend using news sites. That's funny stuff.

The one I tried first was CNN.com. Here are some headlines I saw:

"Making paper da old fashioned way - earning that shiznit"
"The 34-year-old married father of five worked as a full-time waiter fo' three years while studying finance at Texas Tech University in Lubbock n' shit. And get this: Tha dude finished tha dude's Bachelor of Arts degree in four years, know what I'm sayin'?"

"Fools make that shiznit a double"

"VIDEO: Remembering da bravery of a cuz lost at sea"


And when looking at my own site it reads:

"Aloooooooooha!!! I am back on da green campus of BYU-Hawaii 'n things are alright." My RA job is secure fo' one mo' year 'n I has my own room!
School starts soon which will sour da plesantness of living here n' sh*t..."


And last but not least, a recent post of mine:

"Ah, da joy of only having public toilets at my disposal, know what I'm sayin'? As Larry da Cable Guy from da Blue Collar Comedy Tour says,

"I believe that da only thing worse than having diareah is trying has that shiznit quietly in a public restroom, know what I'm sayin'? "

How true n' sh*t.

Today while doing da thing we izzall gotta do I hear da fool in da bathroom on da other siiiiide of my wall (obviously a freshman) ax, "So, can yo' ass hear da muthas on da other siiiiide taking a poop too?"

I has a thing 'bout cussing. I don't do that shiznit, know what I'm sayin'? So I chose hold my tounge 'n not respond at izzall." My initial responce however wuz,
"I'm not sho, but I am definatly hearing an a**hole right now, know what I'm sayin'? .."


Tha dude thought tha dude wuz something, but I smugly took that one as a victory, know what I'm sayin'?

Got Something be like? Say that shiznit! - -

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Bored College Students...

This is what happens when poor college students with no money or transportion get restless...


The first step




Almost Done




The final touch




Dosen't look so high up compared to Fei.



Next week: Co-ed naked family home evening...

Monday, August 23, 2004

Checkpoint Kulanui...

"We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield
We are strong, no one can tell us we’re wrong
Searchin’ our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield."


- "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar


In sunday school today the girl instructing us was performing the typical lessson with all the typical questions. One example is, "What are some charecteristics of the Strippling Warriors?" Followed by writing down on the chalkboard what was yelled out, i.e. "faith", "courrage", "loving mothers", etc.

JD and I were having trouble keeping awake, not just becuase of the lesson's redundancy, but also due to the fact that church starts for me at 8am for a second year in a row. To keep awake he was answering questions, I was playing on my phone.

One question we've heard before was thrown out, "What are some battles we are fighting today?"

JD replied, "How about dating?"

Then I had a sad realization. I shared it with JD. "For me, it's more like a cold war..."

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Metaphore...

As I was walking to the temple for a session Saturday I looked down and noticed all the now flat slugs that had gotten squashed on thier way to TVA*. I thought a bit about it.

I hope I don't become one of them...




*TVA = Temple View Apartments. Married housing for BYU-Hawaii students.

Borrowed Jokes...

It came to my attention from Fei that I hadn't posted anything funny in some time. So, to make it easy for me, I'm just gonna post some jokes I stole from DribbleGlass.com!

PERFECT HOUSE
Q: What's a Jewish wife's idea of a perfect house?
A: Six thousand square feet, no kitchen, no bedroom.

SPEEDING
A woman is caught speeding on the freeway, and is pulled over by a traffic cop. He says "Ma'am, you were going 85 miles per hour, can I see your driver's license?" "I don't have one," says the woman, "it was revoked for reckless driving." "I see," says the policeman. "Then will you please show me your vehicle registration?" "I don't have that either because the car's not mine," says the woman. "Whose car is it, then?" asks the policeman. She answers, "It belongs to the man I killed this morning and chopped up in pieces, put in plastic bags, and loaded into the trunk. I was just going to dispose of him." The policeman, shocked, says, "You just stay where you are, I'm calling reinforcements." Soon the captain comes, and asks the woman, "License please?" The woman, politely, says, "Certainly, here it is," and hands over her license. "Can I see the car's registration, please?" asks the captain, and the woman says, "Certainly," and hands it over to him. He then asks, "Would you mind if I looked in your trunk?" "Not at all," says the woman, and pops the trunk. He looks in and it's empty. "Excuse me," says the captain, "but my officer her told me you had no license, no vehicle registration, and that you had stolen the car, killed its owner, cut him into pieces and loaded him in your trunk!" The woman answered, "Really? I bet the damn liar said I was speeding, too!"

ROME
A young American was enjoying his first night in Rome, drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him. "Hello," he said. " Do you understand English?" "Only a little," she answered. "How much?" he asked. "Fifty Dollars," she replied.

SLINKY
Q: What do your boss and a Slinky have in common?
A: It's fun to watch them tumble down the stairs.

PAROLE BOARDS
Q: Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A: They'd never let anyone finish a sentence.

HIT
Little Billy comes running into the house. He screams, "Daddy, Daddy! Mama just got hit by a bus!" His father answers, "Billy, that's just plain mean shouting it out like that. You know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

BLONDE WAITRESS
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she
did with her pencil.

TWO CELLS
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant with twins.

If you felt any were inapporpriate, tuff. There not mine, borrowed. Anyway, you should see the ones that didn't make the cut. So, I let someone else do the work for me and I didn't have to try too hard to be funny...but I still am...

Friday, August 20, 2004

Potty Humor...

Ah, the joy of only having public toilets at my disposal. As Larry the Cable Guy from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour says,
"I believe that the only thing worse than having diareah is trying to have it quietly in a public restroom."

How true.

Today while doing the thing we all gotta do I hear the guy in the bathroom on the other side of my wall (obviously a freshman) ask, "So, can you hear the people on the other side taking a poop too?"

I have a thing about cussing. I don't do it. So I chose to hold my tounge and not respond at all. My initial responce however was,
"I'm not sure, but I am definatly hearing an a**hole right now..."


He thought he was something, but I smugly took that one as a victory.

Friday, August 13, 2004

My Greenie and Me...

I am back on campus and I have a roommate. His name is JD. My last roommate was JT. JD has blonde hair and blue eyes. JT had blonde hair and blue eyes. JT has just gotten back from his mission. JD has just gotten back from his mission. JD and JT also both gone to school here before their missions. Both also have gotten girl friends shortly after returning to campus. JD, however, is quite the guy. He's turned out to be a friend as well as a collage. JT, didn't. Either way, both have accomplished in weeks (JD only one week) what I have yet to do since one year ago when I came back to school and first met JT.

I never did spend much time with my old roommate, but I hang out with JD quite a bit. JD is an RM, but he is a greenie again - a greenie to life. It is not too bad, but I see it manifest itself in different ways.

The first night we were really both free and hanging out as roommates I was about to go to bed because I was so tired. Then JD came up to me and asked me to go with him and some friends to the beach. It was late and I wasn't interested. Then I looked at his eyes. He wasn't just offering; he wanted me to go. He had not had a date since the mish and didn't want to be with a girl on the beach at night without some "safe" company. I was about to oblige when we went with another invite for card with Fei, Su, Reed and miscellaneous other friends in the circle.

A couple of days ago we were at dinner with a friend of mine from Vietnam whom we call Anna. Her real name is Ngoc. She is the only person I know who can say her name, so Anna is the nom deplore. Once JD found out that she wasn't a member of the church but had taken the discussions from the missionaries before, he jumped right in. Next thing I know, I had total deja vu. It felt like my companion had his principal and I was just waiting for my turn to testify then teach mine. He committed her to pray about the gospel again. And, he used the direct "will you". Anna is no stranger to the commitment pattern. I doubt that she knows all the steps or phrases we use, but I could tell by her face that it sounded all too familiar to her. JD persevered and finished his thoughts and kept the spirit there as best as he could.

The other day we wanted to go shopping in Windward Mall in Kaneohe. We don't have transportation so we took The Bus. I brought 2 sets of headphones and a splitter so we could both listen at the same time. We did not get much use out of them. JD was busy making "GQ's" which means Golden Questions. That is missionary lingo for street contacting for investigators. On the way back he got so much of a conversation going with some locals on one side of The Bus that others joined the conversation. So next thing I know, I slipped back into "missionary mode" and was practically teaching the first discussion to the guy on my side while he was doing the same to the guys on his. I admit is was somewhat fun. And the best part was that I could watch movies and listen to music afterwards. Heck, if I had a girl friend, I could hang out with her afterwards. JD did.

JD is the beau of Leslie currently. Leslie is actually not her real name, but it's hard for us ha'oles to say Chinese names right. I met her one of her first days here on campus a semester ago. All she remembers is that I showed her a pic of my ex, Fei. I swear it was a natural progression in conversation at the time. She thinks it was odd but funny.

What is funny is that my greenie to life is already farther along than I am, and I was home for a missions worth of time by the time that he STARTED his.

It is interesting to see the experience of people readjusting to regular life again. It will be 4 years come December since I got home and I have all but forgotten what that is like. When I see him hesitating to spend too much alone time with a girl or try so hard to give out a Book of Mormon on the Bus I think it is somewhat funny that he seems to forget that he is free. Then I see how happy he is, how things seem to be working for him, and how much others tend to gravitate to him because of the stature of person that he is.

Maybe he is not the one that needs to readjust after all. Maybe it's me...

Monday, August 09, 2004

Fond Farewells...

My final days at home were packed with events. I enjoyed my last moments of work (believe it or not). At WestStar I came in and had a chance to say goodbye to Barry Young and Kim Komando. They said that I could come back at any time. That isn’t to say that they’d just put me on a payroll because we were friends, but it let me know that they enjoyed working with me and liked having me around. I’ll miss WestStar, and many of them will miss me. At KFYI I got to say goodbye to the weekenders as that was my last shift. Had I stayed one more week, I’d have done Barry’s morning show again. Rats.

Friday night I wanted to have one last romp with my friends. Aaronhead and Lamb backed out. It became John, his fiancĂ© Krisha, and me. We ordered Papa John’s Pizza and watched a movie. They moved to a house lost way out in the wasteland of Queen Creek, coincidently across the street from my sister, Wendy, and Rob. I was on my way over to see them when I got a call on my cell. It was Rob and he wanted me to come over and watch the kids while he and Wendy take their oldest to the hospital. My cell phone has no signal when in BFE, so I had to guess that she was still alive. I made it to the house to see that she had landed bad on the trampoline and banged her chin up good. I watched the remaining three kids.

Rob got a new computer and the curse of being a computer major is that everyone knows you can work on theirs. I was backing up stuff and updating his system while watching the kids. By the time I got home it was 1:30am. I had to be at work for the last day at 6am. I decided it would be easier to sleep there and walk 30 seconds than to wake up an hour early and drive. I got to the station at 2:30 and to bed by at least 3am. At 6 I was at work for a solid 9 hour shift. Upon finishing that, I had to get home. It was my last day home and the family was coming over for Swiss Steak and mashed potatoes. The family left around 10pm. Then I had to START packing for Hawaii. I finished packing at 2:30am, making it nearly 20 hours without sleep and running on only 4 hours to begin with.

I woke up at 6:30. And then again at 6:45. At 6:55, Mom came in to tell me it was time to get going. We arrived at the airport with time to spare. I had my ticket in hand and all my luggage in the back. I hugged my mom goodbye and unloaded my stuff. As I walked into the door I checked my pockets. Either my mom is a good pick pocket or I must have put the ticket down to give her that last goodbye hug. I think it was the latter.

I quickly dropped my bags and ran back through the entrance doors. The sensor was only on the outside and could not see me coming. In case you were wondering, sliding doors will NOT swing open, no matter how hard you run into them. I ran around to the exit doors as I watched the minivan carrying my ticket drive off. I got within almost 20 yards from the back of the van jumping and waving my arms right in the middle of the street. I learned a valuable lesson that day. Don’t ever be on the road when my mom drives, she never looks behind her as she merges.

She drove around one side and I ran to that same side watching her as she did so. And here I thought I wasted my Spring taking that Exercise class. Maybe it didn’t do me much good after all. I made it once again about 20 yards behind her, again right in the middle of the street and again waving and flailing my arms like a refugee wanting food supplies dropped on him from the jets above. Again, a seamless merge with no idea of what laid behind her.

I waited in line hoping something could be done. The lady at the ticket window was very apathetic. I spoke next with a travel agent representative that Dad had used to book the flight. It was my good luck that the agent had a printout of who paid for tickets and she issued me a new one.

Then I had to travail the frontier of security once again. I was musing at the fact that some random guy walked into the airport, dropped a ton of luggage and took off running like a bat out of hell leaving before the ensuing explosion and not a person seemed to notice. When I came back, my luggage was sitting pretty. As I was pondering that episode, security then went ballistic over something that shouldn’t have been too suspicious, a computer part in my bag. I needed a new video card and had found a great deal while home. I didn’t want this valuable piece of hardware to get damaged, so I took it as a carry on. The “expert” at the x-ray sent my bag through 3 times. Then they decided to take a gander at it in person. Apparently, they have never seen a computer part before. Moral of that story, you can take bombs into the airport, just not past the gates.

As I was getting ready for takeoff, my name was called over the PA system. My mother had seen my ticket in the van once she got home. She did not check the messages, so she drove back to the airport in a panic looking for me. She and the lady at the check in counter were amazed that I made it to the gate without my ticket. They went to the trouble of giving my mom a temporary gate pass so she could deliver my now voided ticket. She had to go through the works as well. Once they finished up and disposed of the rubber gloves they used on my mom in the bio waste bin Mom just sat with me since there was no other reason to justify going through all that.

Once in Hawaii, my ride was waiting. Once back on campus, my camera was missing. I still do not know where it went or why it’s gone, but it’s gone! It’s not the camera I miss so much as it is the film and what was on my tapes. All of Europe and my family videos were gone. Those things you just can’t replace. Having the master key to the hale, I might just do some extra room inspections…

None the less, I persevere.

Here’s to a good year!

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

More pics from Europe and Utah...


I figure that if I post this pic first, Jessica can't use it to blackmail me...




A sobering view of one of the infamous Nazi concentration camps.




This is a better quality shot like the one I posted of me earlier from Mad Ludwig's Castle.




My parents at what's left of the Berlin wall. We had no problem going to the other side...




This is my mom standing infront of the famous doors to the church that Martin Luther nailed his 97 theses to. You'd think he would have gone all the way and made an even 100...




I don't mean to boast, but you have to admit that I do look good...




It took us a long time to convince Jessica to join us in this romp. We went summer lugeing in Utah.

Monday, August 02, 2004

Out of the mouths of Babes...

I love being home. It's nice and terrible for the same reasons. One example of such is my Nieces and Nephews. They can be hours of fun, but in minutes you can be so tired of them you want to dissapear.

LaDawn's child, Lauren, had been diagnosed with autism while I was away. She pays little attention to anyone else as she is in her own world. She is living with us for the time being while thier new family home is being built. I come home to my room and can't even get in. They have to lock my door shut at all times or she will roll around on my water bed and play in the toilet. If I leave and forget to lock my door, she is in. If I do lock my door, I might come home and realize I locked my cat Buska in my room for 10 hours...again. I hope I can find out where she pooped this time.

LaDawn's only son, Christian, is a blast. This child has discovered long prayers. The other day he prayed,
"And thank you that Jared can lay on his bed with Buska..."

Today he and Lauren played on my water bed for an hour. He has more questions than encyclopedia's have answers. I don't know how children can want to know so much.

The other day I went on a road trip with my nieces Lizzy and Sammie, my sister Wendy's kids. After leaving Vegas I lost my cell phone signal, so I turned it off and put it in the arm rest. Upon ariving in Phoenix, I pulled it out to turn it back on. It was dripping wet. One of them had put a juice in there, too. My cell phone didn't work for the rest of the day, but did dry out and is safe. I have yet to test my MiniDisc player which was also in there.

My nephew, Connor, also Wendy's child, is wild. He spends every waking moment around me punching and kicking. He won't stop. One time in complete dispair, I just sat on a chair, motionless, for over 15 minutes. He kept bouncing around me punching, kicking and ramming. His younger brother, Braiden jumped in. Then Christian joined in the fun. I wish I had footage of it. It would be played back in high speed, like those educational videos that show you how fruit decays. It would look like a pile of flies bombarding a piece of finkle matter...and I was the finkle.

I could probably go on, but I won't. Needless to say, I love them all. Being an Uncle is tuff, but fun. I can have all the fun I can handle, but then when they get to be too much, or are hungry or tired or cranky, I just hand them back to the parents. I call myself "Uncle Fun". And I am the best uncle any of those kids will ever have. They call me "Ji-jid". That is because the younger ones always have trouble saying my name right.

Maybe with all this practice with my sibling's kids, I'll have a shot at being a good parent. On the other hand, maybe I'll be burned out. Either way, I have come to realize that often we learn so much more from them than we can learn ourselves...if only we listen.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

100th Anniversary!!!

To date, I have posted 100 blogs! I have had this blog since Tuesday, August 26, 2003. In that time I have changed the entire design, and the name. It used to be a "sickly green" as many have told me. It was also called "Jared's Pimp Blogger". I only called it that becuase I had no idea what to call it and I didn't want to just use my name. The first few posts were short of stellar or even the title "Pimp". I regret that my first words were so bad:
Blog one. Stardate, 1.456.3482 and 3 halfs.

I guess it was as funny as I could do. I only intended this to be a way to keep in touch with Wendy Hayes and Stephanie Leavett who have not updated thier blogs which inspired me to blog in many, many moons.

On the dawn of this day and the precipice of my return to Hawaii I am filled with sentimental angst. I was going to run through all my old blogs, find my most funny and memorable toughts and quotes and recap for you. In hind sight, I have decided to not go that route (mostly because I am lazy). But if you have some time to kill, look around and amuse yourself with my quips and antics of the past year. You may find stuff you forgot about or never noticed before.

Now that I have patted myself of the back enough, I shall put this blog to rest and send it to the archive room with my other dusty thoughts and ideas.