Tuesday, January 27, 2004

"We may have lost the war, but we haven't lost our sense of humor. Even when we lose a lung, a spleen, a bladder, thirty-five feet of small intestine, two legs, and our ability to reproduce all in the name of the south, do we EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR?" - Dr. Arliss Loveless in Wild Wild West (1999)

Well, I have decided it is time to finish the act. I just bought the Krusty the Klown Home Neutering Kit. Don't cry for me Argentina, I'm gonna do it anyway. I think one would be amazed how much clearer he can think with such a simple procedure done. Honestly, I don't think too many women would object to either.

Since my summer which I am still trying to repress in the deep dark corners of my mind, my lips had only touched cups and toothbrushes...and my toothbrush wants to start seeing other mouths...

There are some limited exceptions. A week ago, I was at lunch sitting with some friends. The person sitting next to me was Heather. We were goofing around and she pointed to her cheek as if to suggest to kiss it. I knew she was playing around and had no intention of me actually doing it. Since I was feeling adventurous I did it anyway. She...well...let's just say I wouldn't have been supprised to see her scour her skin off with a brillo pad after that. Come now, it can't be that bad!
Later that night (at dinner) I ran into another friend who is a girl. She held out her hand for a handshake and I thought it would be cute and gentlemanly to kiss her hand instead. Kinda cheesy, but just to do something different than a cold handshake. She was less than enthralled. She took her hand and pressed the back of it against the cheek of a guy next to her. Ya, the guy was cute and all, but that wasn't quite the goal I was shooting for. These lips are poison ivy to the opposite sex apparently. Is it something I said?

A friend of mine recently attainted a plethora of tickets to see the new "Johnny Lingo". We all were told to get dates for Saturday night. I racked by brain for a girl who I would have an interest in dating and would go with me. At length, the friend with the tickets had me write a list of girls I would like to go with. I had a hard time doing that. One of the names was "Chicago". I call her that because the only time I actually got up enough nerve to talk to her the only information I got was where she was from. By the time I took in my next breath to ask her name she apparently had strapped on her best running shoes because she was replaced by a tumbleweed...and we were in-doors.
Once my paltry list was complete my friend did an "einy-menie-miny-mo". It landed on girl number 2 on the list. She looked at the girls name, looked back up at me and said, "Well, let's think of whom else you can ask." And here I was beginning to think I was the only person who thought she was out of my league!

I changed my mind, why should I go to such extremes to harm myself with the Krusty Brand Home Neutering Kit? I'll save the money on name brand tools and borrow Heather's brillo pad once she hits bone...

Monday, January 26, 2004

Sunday, January 25, 2004

There are three kinds of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can't.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not all that smart. (I know...'what belief?')
The trick is all in how you talk. Take computer people for example. They revel in speech that others can't understand.

Yesterday, I went to a Computer Science Opening Social. Ya, computer geeks...Social... They are very social, with each other. My shadow, we call him Jake, was there and he is far from a computer guy. You might remember him as the exercise "major" who walks through the park. Right from the get-go he was lost. The head of the CS department, Bro. Colton is introduced. Then a teacher is introduced, but either the speaker wasn't familiar with him or couldn't think of a joke, so the teacher said, "And I'm not Brother Colton." At this the crowd went wild (for a gaggle of computer dweebs). Bro. Colton, not to be out done, spoke up. "That's not supposed get a better response?" The reply of the teacher: "Well, I think they just liked the binary option!" Well now, that was the funniest thing the pasty people had heard since they logged on to HomestarRunner.com. I look over at Jake as he stands there breathing with his mouth open. If it wasn't for the Korean BBQ five feet away he might have had flies going in and out...
Later in the meal I was making fun of a friend, Anuj, who is supposedly dating a girl in the Main Land (continental U.S.). Basically it was about how she doesn't exist. Then Bro. Fife (a true geek) makes reference to the Null Set and Anuj's girl. We all laugh...Jake offers the kind of laugh we all do when everybody else is doing it and we don't get it. Jake's not stupid, just not in the CS loop. I get it, but I also am not quite in that circle.

Thanks to observations from a trusted friend, Shem, I have deduced why I fit in, yet can also seem normal to the outside world.
There are two kinds of computer people. Computer geeks, and computer jocks.

I am a computer jock.

Computer jocks are the ones who talk about computers like how others talk about sports. "Ya, wow, so you have a new video card... my video card can act like a VCR. I can record regular TV and save it on my hard drive. I can pause TV like a DVD, get the pizza at the door, and play back like nothing happened! Beat that!."


"What you have your CD's on your computer? Well, I have over 15,000 songs. If I were to play all of my songs back to back, without playing them twice, they would play for 35 days! Beat that!"

Jocks also delight in overpowering others. We do things to show superiority. Like pulling others' firewalls down to their ankles when all the other computers are looking.

I was struggling with the idea of being categorized with the masses of digital dorks and internet introverts, but now I see what the draw is for me. In a crowd like that I can be king! All hail King Jared!

Ah if my P.E. coach in high school could see me now...

- - - Dedicated to a true computer jock to whom I owe most of my knowledge, Garrett Graham.
- - - (he's not dead, but it'd be touching if he was...)

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Mr. 300...

"Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants! I got some news for you. You aren't leading but two things right now: Jack and [Squat]...And Jack left town." - Bruce Campbell as Ash in Army of Darkness

Maybe I haven't made it clear enough in my header..."I am too smrt and busy to waste time correcting typoes...". With mild pride I announce that JaredBodine.com has now had over 300 hits. Most were probably from Fei, Jessica's mom, or myself, but hey, that's a good number either way you slice it.
With great popularity comes great scrutiny. (Hey, that's catchy! uh...that's U.S. patent #123-324654-adsf-*56434%$@54.4, so don't think of using it without my royalty fee.)
Here is some feedback:

  • My sister, Ladawn writes, "...you are a pretty good writer. Minus the spelling."
  • My mom says, "Maybe you should check your spelling before you publish them."
  • Mom Monson has offered to have her daughter proof read for me.
  • I even got an email via "Ankle Dave", whom must mean "uncle". And he is correcting my spelling?

I did fix the stuff he found, so I don't mind occasional help. But, hey, we all make typos. I know you derive some sick pleasure from pointing out my mistakes, but...beam...mote... (you might want to refer to the Sermon on the Mount for that reference.)

I guess what I'm getting at people is this. WHO REALLY CARES IF I SPELL "SUPERFLUOUS" RIGHT? I dare say most of the words I misspell you don't know anyway. Otherwise you know the word and don't need it spelled correctly. It's trivial to my thoughts.

I put this as an earlier blog, but it bares repeating:

"Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by isltef but the wrod as a wlohe." --- Rowland Croucher

There you have it. My frist and lsat ltteres are in the rghit pclae. Waht mroe do you polepe wnat?

You can have your Fancy Pants writing, but I go for true content.

JaredBodine.com! 300 out of Billions of people can't be THAT messed up!

Friday, January 16, 2004

Bra Shopping...

"These are my weapons of mass distraction. This is shock, this is awe." - Dolly Parton

Some say the cup is half empty, some say half full. Some girls, always have it full... I think sometimes it is good to get a size that fits you. There is no need to stuff into a bra that is too small. But I think i may understand now why it is that girls may wear bras that dont fit well. Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to find a nice bra that fits?
So a lady friend's mom calls me and tells me to go with her child (we'll just call her J. Monson...no that's too obvious...how about Jessica M.) and get her a new bra. A real bra. A nice bra. She recomended Vitoria's Secret. I discovered shortly thereafter that one secret is that there is no Victoria's Secret on this Island. But, i had a duty. A sacred quest. To seek the Holy Cup...well...Dual Cups. Do you know how difficult it can be pick out the perfect bra for a person with out being able to see the person in said bra? Not that I would want to. I am chase, clean, benevolent...well...I dont know what benevolent means, but I said I was when I was a boy scout. We first shopped at Sears. What was I thinking?! I already knew they wouldnt have the kind of bra I'd want. I think that is partly due to the fact that the only part of the paper I'd read on sunday was either the comics (untill Gary Larson quit) and the Sears Bra section. Hey, us mormon kids gotta have something...
Eventually we get tired of bickering about what bras I'd like her to have and what she would try on. A nice lady working there came up and started to help. I can't say I blame her for getting the impression that we were a couple. The employee kept pointing out bras and looking at me asking, "How about this one, you like her in this one?" The girl the bra was for might as well not have been there. All she did is complain. After I found one last nice looking bra that the girl would not try on the employee leans over and says, "Come on now...honor him!" Ah, I think when I get married, the first thing I will do is take her bra shopping. I was going to try that Arabian Horse thing where you tie them up in the desert without food for a day in the sun, let them loose and ring a bell for them to come back just as they reach the water...
We found one bra that was mediocre at best, when low and behold, we saw a Fredrick's of Hollywood!!! What a glorious place! Scratch those two other ideas, I'm taking my newly wed there first!
Anyway, we found some real nice, classy, and yes modist, bras. We took back the junk sears one and got 3 great bras, one of which was a water bra. It's like external implants. Fredrick is the man.
She was a sport through all this. I bet it is not easy to let a guy friend shop for your bra. She now has nice, attractive bras that, yes, no one will see, but will make her feel more pretty. Clothes will have that effect on people. It may not be on the outside, but reflects there. I also gained. I never knew how hard a good looking bra that actaully fits is hard to come by. I have quite an eye for bras now. I mean, i could already tell her bra size before, but now it's established that I do in fact know and have it memorized. She didn't even know it well. She fits better in her nice "D" bras than the "C"s...the cup runneth over no longer. And it is more than half full...

(P.S. If you read this, don't tell her I wrote this, she'll kill me... :-0 )

Sunday, January 11, 2004

"Exercise is no walk in the park." - Jake Tanner

Yesterday in lunch I was talking with a preemy (before mission age) freshman Jake Tanner about my hard classes. This semester I have Discrete Math, which i can only assume they call it such since they found a subtle way to fail you. I also have Accounting. It's required for my IS major. I am taking classes for IS and CS so it's a double load. I cannot decide on which major.

Then I was contrasting that with his plan...take all easy classes and promptly fail, drop-out, or be freinds with the teacher to pass. His major is a joke, Exercise. That is a major? I guess I can see a physical trainer or something, but not just exercise. The only thing that will qualify you for is being a P.E. teacher where ironically you become the least healty person in a twenty mile radius.

As I was belittleing his chosen academic track, he was attempting to justify it. At lenght he gave up and replied as I have quoted above, "Hey, Exercise is no walk in the park."
To which I laughed and responded, "Yes, well, by the very nature if it, it would be. And the same is true the other way around."
"...You are not going to put this in your blog thing are you?"

Friday, January 02, 2004

"The secret to success, whether it's women or money, is knowing when to quit. I oughta know: I'm divorced and broke." - Sonny Crockett "Miami Vice" (1984)

Success! I've done it! I have created a marvel. Ladies and Gentleman there is now JaredBodine.com!!! I e-mailed my aquaintences and the site was visited like crazy! It was visited so much that Yahoo had to shut it down a few times for too much usage. It was a complete success! I'd like to thank all those who made this possible...me...well that was short. I am pleased to announce that the winner of the best reply goes to...Barry Young! The quote, "Thanks for using our [Weststar's] picture. Only, don't tell anyone you worked for us!" is what clinched it. Congratulations to Barry. Tell him what he won, Ed!