Friday, March 31, 2006

The Gallon Challange...

I donated my blood again. It was similar to past experiences (read about it for a good laugh). But this time, I got something else. I was told that I am now part of a special club. I don't think that the club has a name, but it's pretty exclusive.

1 Gallon of Blood

My 1 Gallon pin

Ya, that's right. I have donated over a whole gallon of my hard earned blood. That's 8 pints. Also known as 128 ounces. The human body on has about 9 pints, so I donated a whole me worth of blood. I am now ready to accept your praise...

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Lay Waste The Sky...

I'm doing a paper for a class on the internet. It's long and wordy, so I won't post it. But I do think I stumbled upon some golden nuggets of truth.

In early March of 2006, five boys created a personality on the internet. This personality was a 15-year-old girl. Before they knew it, the boys had men making passes at them. As a joke they continued discourse with a 48-year-old man. When a meeting was arranged it started to get too real. Rather than standing him up, the young men called authorities and the man was arrested for attempting sexual acts with a minor...a minor that didn’t even exist.

Through the internet we are creating people that don't exist and destroying the lives of those that do.

Men create viruses for fame; spyware for fortune.

We create engraven images out of ourselves. Blogs (except mine) are platforms for self gratification.

"I'm fairly sure that if they took all the porn off the Internet, there'd only be 1 website left, and it would be called 'Bring Back The Porn.'" (Dr. Cox, Scrubs, 2001)

Our society is slipping into dangerous territory.

Henry David Thoreau once said, “Thank God men cannot fly, and lay waste the sky as well as the earth.” Let us hope that the internet is not our wings.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Healthy As A Horse, Sick As A Dog...

So, I got my results from my blood and urine. The doctor told me I am perfectly fine in every way...except for the excruciating pain in my gut. He is totally stumped. The good news is that my pain has subsided considerably over the last few days. I'm still feeling it, but I'm coping.

Today I spoke with my sister, Ladawn. She served her mission in the Philippines. When I told her about my symptoms she immediately had a solution. Many elder's she knew went through the same thing. "Sounds to me like you have an ameba."

Come to think of it, due to the floods of late, we have had an excess of standing water lately. I have had dinner at a questionable Chinese restaurant as well. To top it off, I had lunch at Taco Bell. Any one of the three had to be a veritable petrie dish of infestation.

Using my knack for optimism I immediately thought how great this could be. I should be losing weight like nothing else. With some help, my food will be getting digested by more than just me. When I want seconds, I don't have to think of the consequences. From now on, I'll be eating for two! I don't know what pregnant ladies complain about. I look forward to eating peanut butter and pickles with justification.

If an ameba is not the cause, then I am still at square one. I am almost ready to accept the tape worm solution just so I can understand why someone as "healthy" as me is so...well...not.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Not Yet As Job...

...but I do miss the days when I could say, "At least I have my health."

Either stress, having everything I own break down on me simultaneously, running out of money and having to ask my mom to bail me out, working till midnight, starting each day by 8am, falling behind in all of my classes, or not having anywhere to relax during the 20 hours a day I'm awake is starting to take its toll on me.

Last week when a searing pain started, I asked to see a doctor at our campus [these are air quotes] “Health Center.” I had just lost my breakfast and was hoping to feel better by lunch. It was barely 11:30 am and they were not taking anyone for the rest of the day. My conversation with the apathetic secretary was thus:

[In my barely audible and very ill sounding voice] “I need to see a doctor.”

“Ok. Do you have an appointment?” Did she think I was able to successfully predict my illness in advance?

“No, but I’m feeling very sick now.”

“Well, it’s Wednesday.”

I had a feeling that she was going somewhere with this epiphany on the day of the week. I think she just needed some prodding. “Yes...”

“Every Wednesday the doctors take a half day. They are just about to leave.”

“Can I see one before they leave?”

“No.” She answered with such curtness it was apparent she could tell that I was bound to ask.

“Can I see someone?”

“You could see a nurse.”

“When can I see one?”

“It will be, at the shortest, one hour.”

Waiting one hour did not sound like fun. My stomach was going to still feel bad in one hour no matter what I was doing, so I decided to accept. “Alright, I guess I’ll have to do that. Can I come back in one hour?”

“No, we close in half an hour.”

“Then why would I wait for one hour to see a nurse if you are closed in half an hour?”

I received a look from her that was nothing short of pure annoyance. “Are you on our medical plan?” [I nodded in the affirmative.] “We’ll try to see everyone already in the doors once we close.”

“Ok, I’ll wait then. Can the nurse prescribe me anything for my stomach pains?” I think I already knew the answer, but I was so agitated that I figured I might as well help her realize the stupidity of their system.

“No.” Big surprise.

“So, what can a nurse do for me?”

“She can look at you. Maybe give you some advice...”

It was clear that I had reached the limit of what the [air quotes] “Health Center” could do for me. I decided to give her one last recap of the insanity. “So, the doctors can’t see me because they are going to take a half day in one hour from now. I can wait to see a nurse an hour from now, but not really since you close in half an hour. Even if I do, she can only look at me, but not do anything for me. Is that right?”


“Well, thanks...” With that sarcastic gratitude I clenched my stomach and strolled back to my office.

Today at 10:30am I had a relapse with a vengeance. This may sound sadistic, but I actually hoped that I would have to go through the same conversation with the horrible secretary again. I was holding in my vomit so I would be fully armed. If I was denied service again I was going to make her, and her desk, wish she let me see a doctor last week.

I waited for about an hour, but this time I got in. The doctor is currently stumped. He asked for a urine, semen, stool, and blood sample. I was able to take off my underwear and hand it to him as that had all the basics covered.

No, that’s a lie. But he did take a urine and blood sample. Well, he didn’t take the urine, I gave it, but you get the idea.

Long story short; I’m sick. No one knows why. No one can do anything to help me. It could be worse. I could be a single, overweight 26-year-old menace to society with no money or career. At least I have my hea...oh yeah...