Monday, May 31, 2004

Now that takes guts...

I just stumbled across an article today about a woman that gave herself a Caesarean section. The story of this Mexican celebrity goes something like this:

"The nearest clinic was more than 50 miles away over rough terrain and inhospitable roads, and her husband, her only assistant during a half-dozen previous births, was drinking at a cantina. She had no phone and neither did the cantina.
So at midnight, after 12 hours of constant pain, the petite, 40-year-old mother of six sat down on a low wooden bench. She took several gulps from a bottle of rubbing alcohol, grabbed the 6-inch knife she used for butchering animals and pointed it at her belly.
And then she began to cut.
Under the light of a single dim bulb, Ramirez sawed through skin, fat and muscle before reaching inside her uterus and pulling out her baby boy. She says she cut his umbilical cord with a pair of scissors, then passed out."

This isn't just some quick last minute decision either.

"Ramirez believes that she operated on herself for about an hour before extricating her child and then fainting. When she regained consciousness, she wrapped a sweater around her bleeding abdomen and asked her 6-year-old son, Benito, to run for help. Several hours later, Cruz and a second health worker -- whose combined medical knowledge was limited to handing out medicines -- found Ramirez alert and lying beside her live baby.
Cruz sewed her 7-inch incision together with a regular needle and thread... They bounced for eight hours over winding, hole-riddled dirt roads before making it to the hospital in San Pablo Huixtepec, about 240 miles southeast of Mexico City."
'When she arrived, she was conscious, with no signs of shock, perfectly fine,' Galvan said... Today her scar is almost invisible."

What kind of credentials did she have?

"Asked what guided her in the operation, she replied, 'I had slaughtered chickens and other animals.'"

Kudos to her! This is the first women to get "Jared's 'Pimptacular!' award of the year", 2004.

Here we have this woman and I have to hear women (like my sisters) whine an moan about child birth in our cozy hospitals, with stirrups for the feet and epidurals for the pain. What wimps! If I ever get married (don't hold your breath) and have a pregnant wife, I will have her read this story first. That way it won't be the typical scene where we are in the air conditioned facility, she's squeezing my hand off while cussing me out (explaining that my parent's are not married) and telling everyone that she had nothing to do with it; it was all MY fault.

I know, I know. Jared is insensitive and neither knows what he is saying nor is correct. Don't worry, I'll get mine. And once I get my first kidney stone, I'll be the first to take this all back.

Friday, May 28, 2004

I guess they called me on a mission...

...because I had grown a foot or two.

Well, ok, Jessica hasn't grown all that much but you get the idea. And I'd like to say that I am SO glad that the call finally came. She has been obsessing over it for weeks. Today her mom called and left a message on my phone giving me instructions to check the mail right after lunch and call her as soon as the call comes in, "because she is driving me nuts!"

We all gathered in the dorm office because she had to work. After about 15 minutes of trying to 46 way in every person Jessica knew (I told them we should have had a dry run) we opened the call.

"Dear Sister Monson,

You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Virginia Richmond Mission."

Richmond Virginia Mission Boundaries

Richmond Virginia Mission Boundaries

So read on...
"You will prepare to preach the gospel in the Spanish language."
"I don't speak Spanish! Lanee, you better help me!"

So, when do you report?
"You should report to the Missionary Training Center at Provo, Utah on Wednesday, 14 July 2004."
"Wait, I'm gonna miss my brother's wedding! That's before my birthday!"

My reply, "HaaaaHa!"

What's the weather like? Is it cold?
Winter and Summer in Richmond Virginia

Winter and Summer in Richmond Virginia

Funny enough, that's where Jake is from. It's a shame he'll be on his mission by the time she gets there.

Well, congrats Jessica. We are all excited for you. In my mission we always said that a sister missionary is either worth two Elders or nothing. Be the one worth three.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Bread and Circus...

Back in the days of Rome and Greece rule, the elite found a way to keep the lower folk from finding a reason to revolt. Enter the legendary “Bread and Circus” policy. Long story short, as long as we feed ‘em and give ‘em a show, they have no reason to complain. And they didn’t.

While sitting alone in the much applauded caf today I was gazing at the TV while chewing my cud. It was a hockey game. It wasn’t until the game ended that I realized it was the Stanley Cup. Having been privileged to have seen and touched the cup, you’d think I’d care more about it. It was no hockey match at all, it was a blood bath. It was “Gladiators on Ice”. The crowd was wild with excitement more so during fights than goals.

Lightning Celebrates Victory (of the fight)

The hockey players themselves were all Neanderthals. Each and every one of them had ample amounts of unsightly facial hair. Now, I had a full beard, but at least I kept it trimmed. These guys were all scraggly looking and I swear I could detect mullets under the helmets. One St. Louis player wanted to get even with a Tampa Bay player for being superior, so he skates up to him and runs his stick right across the middle section of the guy, breaking it in two. His punishment? Sat in a box for a few minutes. At the end of the game the loosing Flames started an on-ice riot with the Lightning. They were all animals and the unwashed masses couldn’t be any more elated.

Then it hit me; I was eating my bread and enjoying the circus – and neither was that great. On the way out of the much applauded caf I decided to “moo” as I shuffled out with the rest of the herd…

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Your "King Of the Hill" Quote Of The Week...

Bobby Hill

"My dad says its one of those things that I will understand later. I'm starting to get real tired of those things."
- Bobby Hill from King of the Hill on 05-23-04

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Safe and Sound...

MTV has done it. They have decided to take on more of the market by adding a line of condoms to the general public. I don't know much about them yet, but this much I do know, they will ironically be sold first at Virgin Megastores.

MTV's New Line of Condoms

You have to wonder what they will do with this idea. Will they have music themes? Will they come in an "Eve 6 Pack" or a "Matchbox Twenty Pack"? I dare say the "Limp Bizkit" style won't sell well. The better sellers will be "Mr. Big", "Nirvana", "Erasure" or my favorite group "They Might Be Giants". No one would ever guess what the "Fatboy Slim" design would be like. The 80's pop band "Wang Chung" would be a nice model. I don't think many people would trust "The Offspring" or "Genesis" to be very effective. They also have a cheap version featuring "50 Cent".

Believe me, I had a lot of other ideas that I will not put in here before you think I am some sort of super pervert.

If they were not only sold in Europe for now, I might buy a pack just for the vintage effect. I will probably have to invest in the "Nine Inch Nails" assortment.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

It shouldn't be that funny...

...but it is.

There is a girl named Mariah that goes to school here. She was making a video to send home. One day she called me up to help her film some stuff and waste some tape. Why do I always get called to waste tape?

I guess I did a good enough job becuase she thought it was some funny stuff. A couple of days ago, she was hanging out with Jessica in her room and said the quote of the week.
"Jared is really funny. It's no wonder why he gets all the girls."
- Mariah

Jessica's reaction was like that of both mine and yours when you heard that. I explained in a previous blog why being funny is of no help. Maybe that is the reason that I can't get a girlfriend. Or maybe I just appear to be so loved by all the girls that they assume I'm taken.

The way it should be

Well, it may not be true, but my mom always said that white lies are ok if you say them to avoid hurting someones feelings.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Face Lift

"Bend me shape me, any way you want me.
As long as you love me, it's alright!"
- Bend Me, Shape Me by American Breed

As is painfully obvious to you by the time you read this, I have changed things up a bit here at "Lost In Laie". Along with that I have changed the Resume page of my old website. It looks nice now.

Downside number one: Due to new column sizing, it makes all of my blogs look painfully long to read. Rest assured, they are all of moderate length like before. Just to prove my point, go back to old blogs you've read once or twice before, it will look longer. I might just have to start saying my humorous quips with more brevity.

Fei recommended that I check out some of the new templates and so I did. Little did I know that it was part of her ploy to discover my secret blog. Yes, I do have one that no one knows the URL to...except now. Fei found it. I don't mind that much that someone knows the address, only that a some if not most of it is my ranting about her to relive some pent up frustration. To be fair, she knows this already and will take it with a grain of salt. I could easily change the address or something, but I don't care (and I spent many MANY hours working on this one already today). Fei will just have to accept what I put down, whether I'm exaggerating to relive some stress or if I am for real. When you publish your life in the web, it's always only a matter of time before someone reads all about it. You'd think I'd learn...

Just to alieve the suspicion:
  • Yes, I do talk about YOU all the time in my private blog.
  • Yes, It is always bad things.
  • No, I will not give you the URL.
If you have any more questions, feel free to post them on the comment spot (also redesigned).

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Blog Post 75!!!

Welcome to my 75th blog post! I'd like to thank all the little people. First, Wendy Hayes, whom first told me about blogs and gave me the motivation to start one of my own. Second, to Fei, whom supplied enough drama in my life to spur me on enough with content. And of course, you, the loyal fans...both of you...

If you would like to “join the team” please make sure to read the last paragraph of this blog entry!

Well, that's about it for content...what more did you want?

Look, I'm pretty busy these days. (But not TOO busy to post new blogs.)

I have got so many balls in the air I have to make a schedule just to know where I should be and when. If you see white on my schedule, rest assured I'm probably somewhere else doing something.

One thing that does not get listed is the movie Shem is making that I'm in. I like doing it. It really is quite fun. Shem will be leaving soon and will therefore be needing to Finnish filming. This means that many free hours have to be spent working on this. I have the "lead" role meaning that I am in most scenes. Shem spends far more time working on this than I do, so I have nothing on him.

Other "white space" infractions come from my duties as an RA. For example, last Friday night, I wasn't playing, I was working in the office. This Saturday I will be in the office all day (literally) as well. Today, I get off work at 7, when I was going to go to dinner and then make it to my 8:00pm appointment. Hale mom informs us (with a note left on our doors) that we are to have a meeting today at 7, thus killing my hopes of eating before the caf closes at 8. C'et Lavie (I failed French in 9th grade...)

When I am in the Hale working, it's not so bad, but I can't get much done. If I try to study or work on a project, I get interrupted every 5 min spoiling any bottled up concentration I had. Same goes for my time spent as a tutor.

I signed on knowing I would be the tutor for the basic IS (Information Systems) classes. I wasn't made aware that I would be teaching IS190L and IS290L. Those classes are basically just learning how to use Microsoft Office programs - Word, Excel, Access and Power Point. This class gets people who know nothing of computers but have to take it for a business or accounting major. They ALWAYS have a special tutor for just that as that class needs it. I guess they went cheap in the Spring as it's just me.

I spend 99% of my time with people who don't know the most basic ideas or concepts. If they are taught something and just have no clue the next day. I know, it's not always easy, but come on! When I say, "Just hit 'Delete'. The key 'Delete'. Just hit it." you think they'd get it. Instead they fiddle with the mouse, look around the "File Edit View" toolbars.

Some times I just want to put on my best Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation, "I'm not a tutor. I'm not a tutor."

And I still have to try to make time for my classes, homework and study time. The worst of my classes is the EXS 129 Exercise class. At least it's the online version. Regardless, I have to work out for at least 20 min a day. I cant even do fun stuff, like play racquet ball or fast dancing or stuff like that. It's considered to be anaerobic and not aerobic. I have to do constant non-stop stuff like running, bicycling, or swimming for 20 straight min or more. I now wake up earlier in the morning to do this as I can not get the time later in the day.

So there, now you know why my blogs have been and will continue to be farther apart and maybe less funny or well thought out as before. (I know, "They were thought out?")

Anyone wanting to write an editorial piece or guest column would be welcomed. Please submit all work to Once reviewed, you will be published and rewarded based on the quality and content. We at “Lost In Laie” would be excited and willing to have you be part of our team!

Monday, May 10, 2004

People Against Premies

People, I'd like to invite you all to our first meeting of PAP: "People Against Premies"! This exciting new organization is to squelch the uprising of Pre-missionary boys on this fine campus and all over the world.

"Just what is so wrong with them?" you may ask. I think the better question is, "Just what is right with them?"

Premies are the worst form of the “term-ites” on campus. A term-ite as you all know is a person who comes here from the main land for one term just to have fun, surf and get a spring fling on. They come, they devour, they flee. These term-ites come, but unlike other breeds, Premies plan on coming back. This mentality makes them feel entitled to whatever they want, like they own the place.

They feel that they can do anything, without consequence. Because they are only here for a short time before they go away for a long time, they can. They take up space in all the good, fun classes you wanted to get into. They seem to get the better rooms in the dorm. They never have to spend time studying since they don’t care about their grades, so they get to work on their tans instead. Seeing as how they are too young to support themselves, Mommie and Daddy pay for everything. This way they have money to play with and no jobs to take up free time.

But perhaps the most important reason they are a menace is this: the women. This is where they pose the greatest threat. Girls always claim to want a sensitive guy who is not afraid of commitment and will be there for them. That is why they date the exact opposite of that.

Premies lie, cheat and steal as necessary to get the girl. They lie about caring for the girl’s feelings. They cheat on them for a cuter girl when given the opportunity. And they steal time, jobs, and available women from us true students.

The guys who really do want to get to understand the woman’s feelings are the RMs (Returned Missionaries). The RMs are the ones who are looking for a commitment. The RMs learned how to be there for investigators and for assigned companions for 2 years, they can handle (and look forward to) being there any time for the companion that they get to choose.

These undermining Premies have taken over our rightfully earned stomping grounds and are spoiling the wonderful women whom they will discard like used a Kleenex®.

Frankly my brethren, I have a hard enough time getting a girl willing enough to give me a chance, and Premies don’t help! They are vermin, and must be stopped. PAP is just the organization to do accomplish the task. This is a call to arms! Who that hears my battle cry is man enough to join the rebellion?! The time to act is NOW!

P.S. PAP will join with SMEAR (Seniors Marching Effulgently Against Rudeness) for the month of May to raise awareness.

Monday, May 03, 2004

The Art Of Toe Painting...

"I feel pretty,
Oh so pretty.
I feel pretty and witty and gay.
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me today."

- Maria from West Side Story

Like father like son. As a teenager my dad was caught singing this song in the backyard by Grandpa. I bet Gramps was relieved once my dad had a kid.
I took a similar route of borderline feminism this weekend.

I went last year to watch a movie after sunset on Waikiki beach. It's really cool. They set up a huge screen and loud speakers and everyone and anyone can come and watch for free. It's usually good first rate movies recently released on DVD. I finally got to go again Saturday and see "The Cat In The Hat."

The Cat In The Hat

On a note not all that related, I like it. Not the best movie for kids, and I don't think I'd buy the DVD, but good, especially for free.

After I went to hang out with a girl named Britta. She's a cool gal from Utah who came here to get away from it and, well, it is Hawaii. She goes to University of Hawaii, so I never met her before. I first met her last week when we camped out at Makapu'u point. Neither of us have cars so we didn't anticipate seeing that much of each other, but I told her I'd give her a buzz when I was in town. So I did.

While there, they (meaning all the girls living there) were painting toe nails and doing French manicures, etc. Being a man, I resisted the temptation to join in...for about 10 seconds.

I colored outside the lines

Painted toes complete with a surfing scar on the left and "Trogdor!" on the right.

So what?! I had never tried it before, I was invited to, at first I said "No thanks" then after asked a second time or so, I decided to give it a go. There is nothing wrong with that...right?
To make it more "cool" I had a friend paint "Trogdor!" on my right big toe. It's sideways and you can't tell unless you know, but that's still a pimptacular thing to do.

On the ride home the general consensus of the car was that I came across as trying too hard. Trying to hard?! Trying to hard to fit in, to impress or delight the girls and, judging by the look of my toes, trying to hard to paint.

From now on, I'm not gonna try at all. That's right. No more "Axe Effect" or Mach 3 shaves. No more shampoo - no more showers even. No need for dryer sheets, I won't be doing laundry. I can give my comb out since I'll be letting my hair grow out to a point where I can tuck it behind my ears and not worry about it. Then we'll see what people think about my trying too hard.
Honestly, what do people what? If you don't do it, they say you are a wimp, you do it and you are a push over and try too hard.

Have I said today that I hate girls?