Friday, August 26, 2005

Celebrating 2 Years of Excelence...

Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls, Locals and Ha'oles: I proudly announce that on this day we have now been live on the internet for two years. Happy Birthday! Here are some fun facts:

Total posts to date: 219

Total posts that were drafts but never published: 7

Original Title: "Jared's Pimp Blogger"

Original Look: Puke Green with Orange headlines. There was no way to post a comment.

First Words: "Blog one. Stardate, 1.456.3482 and 3 halfs."

Total hits from March 30, 2004 to August 26, 2005: 11,077

Post with highest amount of comments: "American Woman" with 40 comments.

Friends that started blogging following me: Faye Chong, JD Orme, Anna Nguyen, Chris Rusch, and much more.

Ran out of Ideas: One week ago.

On this special occasion I also announce that my blog, now known as "Jared's 'Menace In Mesa'" is again changing back to the apt and famous title of "Jared's 'Lost In Laie'". I will be returning back to Laie for my final year as a student at BYU-Hawaii. Right now am I working my last shift at 550AM KFYI.

Who knows what other famous blog posts I have comming up? Who knows how many more people I will offend or entertain? Who knows how much longer until I get tired of blogging and just let the site fall appart? Who knows when my blog will make me famous, get me a job writing scripts for comedy shows, then that get's me a gig performing on Saturday Night Live, thus starting my movie career, introducing me to starlets whom I will have torrid love affairs with eventually wearing me out and makeing me a has-been in the top right corner of Hollywood Squares until I am found dead of overdosing on Flamming Hot Cheetos in my cheap motel room that I will no doubt call home? Time will only tell...

Sunday, August 21, 2005

The Mediocre Stuff...

I know it's been a long time since I have blogged. Want to know why? I am actually just too bored to blog. You know that you are too bored when you're too bored to blog. The source of my boredom now is weekend talk radio. For those of you who think that talk radio is already boring, just wait until you hear the weekend crew. It's kind of like the left-overs of radio. In addition, the folks that you don't hear on air is the auxiliary staff as well. That makes for a great combination.

This is a weekend host that has nothing to say: "Uh, so. How's the weather today? Is it raining where you are? Call in and tell me. The lines are now open. 6-0-2-6-5-0-5-3-9-4. Don't want to talk about the weather? That's fine. Is today a good hair day for you? Tell me about it. 6-0-2-6-5-0-5-3-9-4, that’s 6-5-0-K-F-Y-I. ... Hello? Are we on the air? ... Well, I guess it's time to go to our break. Right, guys? I'm talking to those guys in the booth. Ya? O.k. You are listening to KFYI. We are the uh...valley's talk station. ... Is my mic still on? Oh, crap was that on the air. Shi*(mic cut)."

Then the weekend board op (technical director) is bound to screw up as well. He might accidentally play the wrong commercial (spot). So, instead of playing the right one later he just cuts the audio on the air immediately. Then you hear what we call dead air. That's where you sit there wondering who is getting fired. In the station control room you see a young male age 18-25 who is sweating and red in the face. He is frantically pushing multiple buttons on his control board hoping one of these is the right one. Then one will hear the right spot...and another program...and a news cast...and a song...and the wrong spot again. Then one by one they all stop leading into 15 more seconds of dead air. Then the train is back on the track.

The part that I can't understand is how weekend radio gets a special breed of callers. I almost speculate that the regular good callers call in sick, leaving us with the weekend crew for that as well. They never call in on good subjects that are topical and relevant. When the host is trying to fill 50 minutes of time with 30 seconds of content they fall back on the old stand-bys: abortion, immigration and sex. This is the cue for all wackos and lost souls to make their move. The cheap labor board op doesn’t get paid enough to care for content so he just lets any one through. The eager but lacking host wants to share the empty feeling spotlight with anyone that will let them so they then take any call they get. After being on the air for five minutes the caller starts a tirade on being abducted by aliens, receiving anal probes and how every year on the anniversary of the event his butt tingles just a tinge.

Last person involved is the weekend producer. This person is under paid to sit in a cubicle surrounded by the empty cubicles of those that are competent enough to get a salary. Like the disillusioned staff stooge in Office Space, "Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh [my boss] can't see me, heh - after that I sorta space out for an hour...Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work." He's hardly worth mentioning.

Yes, I love my job. This weekend has had one good effect on me. It has inspired me. It makes me want to go back to school this fall so I can get my diploma and then get paid less than my car mechanic to do the same thing with a degree.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Natural Gas...

The cost of gas right now has gone beyond sky high. I, for one, hate it! Why don't we just open up our Alaskan pipelines? Well, those eco-feaks mainly. My good friend JD lives up in Alaska. He tells me that those pipes actually have helped the natural wildlife as an additional shelter. Also, when a drill leaves town all they leave is an 8" hole of pipe sticking out with a cap on it. Other than that, you'd never know they were there.

Well, my friend, Lamb, and I have come up with a way to fight back at the rising cost. Please follow us in suit.

Natural Gas

Natural Gas

Here Lamb is using all natural gas. I applaud him. While others are feeling the pinch at the pump he is pinching it off at the pump. Kudos! Let's all follow likewise and make the Middle East at our mercy for once!

Monday, August 15, 2005

Saturday, August 13, 2005

You Know That You Are Pathetic When... spend your Friday night scanning in all of the pictures you have been sent as wedding announcements...and you only did that because you needed a break from scapbooking...(which reminds me; my mission scrapbook is now complete)

Friday, August 12, 2005

Ahem...Where are my royalties...?

Well, they have finally made a movie based on my life. No, not "Dukes of Hazard". Not "Harry Potter". It's far from "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo". It's called "The 40 Year-Old Virgin". Well, the age was fibbed because 40 rolled off of the tongue easier than 25. I argued that 25 was a good round number and I wanted to keep it more accurate.

The thing that really disturbs me about this movie is that even though it's about me, I can't go see it. It's obviously rated "R" and I image for good reasons. What a shame that I won't be able to see a movie that's all about me. That must be how Christ felt when Mel Gibson did the same thing to Him. And I bet not one cent of the profits went to Him either.

Monday, August 08, 2005

I'm Tooooo Sexy...

Not long ago I did a post on my Hot Or Not Pic. At that time I held a solid 9 out of 10. Then all of my loyal friends logged on and brought me down to a lowly 8. It has since started to recover back to 8.5. Also, whether due to this blog's exposure or just happenstance I got an e-mail from this gal ( to meet her. I don't think I'm quite ready for it. I recomend you check out the link and see what kind of things she used as key words - YIKES!!! This is no joke, she really inquired of me.

Now ask yourselves this: Does Jared fit her criteria? This is all coppied and pasted from her profile, I made none of this up.

Qualities sought by skank-ho

  • doggie (style? lover? lover?)

  • feet (fetish?)

  • high heels (for him or her?)

  • muscles (again: for him or her?)

  • new york city (never been there)

  • no strings (as in Pinocchio, yes)

  • oral (I assume she means hygine, so yeah, that's ok)

  • tatoos (who didn't love that guy from "Fantasy Island"?)


  • LOOKING FOR A MUCH YOUNGER (ok, that I am, compared to her)

  • DESCTRETE (never mind)

  • ONCE IN A WHILE FRIEND (I've been called a "fairweather friend", that count?)


  • IS UNDER 30 (finally! Someone that thinks of me as young!!!)


  • MUST BE EITHER LEAN OR MUSCULAR (yeah, who'd say I'm not?)

  • and DESCRETE (oh, never mind)

You know, if she just wouldn't have asked for someone who is "descrete" twice I would have been a shoe in! I guess I'll just have to wait for the next super sexy and classy gal to get up the nerve to hit on me online...

Friday, August 05, 2005

What He Can Expect When She Is Expecting...

I had the pleasure of peering into the life of my married friend. John and I have been best friends since elementary school. We both thought I'd beat him to the alter. Well, things don't always work out that way.

He is now married, living in a nice house, has two dogs and two cats and .5 children. Things are going swimmingly for him. Well, when his wife is happy, anyway.

When I was last over to his place we sat around shooting the breeze and talking about life and such. His wife came back from the store with some milk and other things. His house is well sound proofed and unless you really listen for it, you can't hear someone coming home. Just as we realized that she was home she storms into the house. John and I both in synchronization said, "Hi, Honey!" I don't have the hots for her, but I'm practicing for plural marriage reversed from the way we think of it today. My wife will appreciate the effort to see it from you point of view.

John's wife didn't seem to even hear us. Instead she puts down the milk carton and slams the other plastic bag of food on the counter while screaming at her husband. "You couldn't get up off of your f***ing a** and help me!? Let me just do it all my f***ing self! Uh!"

With this she started to beeline off toward the bedroom but not before she had the chance to take her sunglasses off and hurl them at the approaching John. He started to follow her in attempts at reconciliation but was meet by a slammed door. John looked at me and shrugged, "Well, if you ever get a pregnant wife this is what you have to look forward to." We had a quiet laugh about the whole thing knowing that we could do nothing else about it.

While sharing this experience with a female friend of mine she started to attack me for it. I don't see how it really involves me. She complained that I was not compassionate enough to the changing hormones of women. Perhaps she may be right. But then the conversation shifted and has now changed the focus of this post. Do women blame a lack of emotional control on pregnancy or periods?

See, I know that girls have hormones that we men don't understand. I can accept the fact that they make women emotional. I have bad days too. I even have learned that men have a form of a menstrual cycle that effects them emotionally too. The difference is that Women sometimes, it seems to me, use this excuse to blow their top.

How many times has this happened: a girl looses her temper at something and someone justifies it for her by saying, "Oh, well, she is just going through a visit from her Aunt Flow."? If she wasn't menstruating she would likely have similar emotions to the situation but she might just keep her cool because she has nothing to blame it on.

I had a friend of mine who used to be the boss of several women. Whenever they needed some time off they would explain to him that it was "a woman thing" and he had no recourse to stop them. Eventually he started to realize that they were having 2 to 3 "woman things" a month. He secretly kept a "flow chart" as he called it for 2 months until he had everybody's schedule down. When they would request time off for "special needs" he would check his flow chart and in no time that excuse was practically obliterated.

Women, look deep inside of you. When something makes you angry and it's that time again do you half justify your feelings by thinking to yourself that it is because of the calendar?

My argument is that we all have emotions. We all have bad and worse days. The whole purpose of being on this earth is so we can learn to control our bodies. There is never any excuse for loosing it, no matter how comforting it is to have a scapegoat. It may be harder some days or others, but we all are given power over our bodies and can maintain control if we try. "It's ok officer, I know I shot him and chopped him up into small pieces and served him to you as gumbo for six months, but I was menstruating when I did it. You understand right?" What jury in the world would convict her now? Those fried green tomato girls got away with it.

An excuse is nothing more than that, an excuse, regardless of what is going on inside. I know that pregnant women have strong emotions and will need special treatment. I know she might just start crying in the middle of the night for now apparent reason. I know that she may get angry at me for what I view as a molehill while it's a mountain to her. But the goal of control over our mortal bodies is our conquest. Excuses get us nowhere in life.

So, let's have it. Bash me as a chauvinistic pig. Say I'm insensitive. Remind me that this is why I am still single. Attack me on any personal level you wish. But ask yourself honestly if I really am all that wrong.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The Happiest Vacation On Earth...

For two days Anna, The Scotfords, and I had a fun time hopping back and forth between the two parks, Disneyland and California Adventure. I have a ton of pictures so I will let them speak for most of our trip.

Downtown Disney

To get us warmed up, we went to Downtown Disney outside of the park the day before. Rob and Wendy got the kids a Build-A-Bear, getting warmed up for the spending that was about to come.

Disneyland front and all of us

The first of many, many pictures take at Disneyland

Disneyland Enterence Sign

The sign that greets you into Disneyland: The Happiest Place On Earth.

Hat - Zurg

I'm too sexy for my hat...

Sharing a Churro

No, we did not reenact Lady and the Trap. I forgot that she dosen't like Cinnamon. Oh well, more Churro for me.

ToontownToon Car

Finally, a car that Anna can drive!

Goofy's kithcen and anna
Grizly Peak

Disneyland's self proclaimed Famous Grizly Peak

The Park and Anna

A shot of California Adventure

Tower of Terror and Me

Crazy Fun ride, the "Hollywood Tower Of Terror". I highly recomend it.

Tower Of Terror

Somehow Anna got the impression that the tighter she pulled my shirt the safer she would be on the ride. The good news is that I did not need a seatbelt because she was holding me down so tight.

Toy Soldiers

A great real life representation of the Toy Soldiers from Toy Story. I want this for my next Halloween costume!

Ears and AnnaEars and Me

This is the ride that recently had an accident injuring 30+ and sending 14 to the hospital. Anna vows to never go on it again.

Braden on sholders me sleeping

He is about 5 times heavier than he looks. By the end of the two days, we were all wasted...except him.

We drove back the night of our second day at Disneyland. Rob and I were both on the verge of driving with our dreams. I kept on feeling like I was on Peter Pan's ride, looking down at small cars and streets from above. We stopped at a gas station about 12:30 am and I tried my first energy drink. I tried "Adrinaline". I don't think it did a thing for me. Maybe I didn't drink enough. All I know is that when I finally made it home after 2:30am, I had no problem getting to sleep!

After a few days of work (the day I got back and the next day for 14 hours) Anna went home and I returned to normal. Now all I want to do is go on more vacations...and strangely, I feel like scrapbooking the whole trip...