Friday, August 05, 2005

What He Can Expect When She Is Expecting...

I had the pleasure of peering into the life of my married friend. John and I have been best friends since elementary school. We both thought I'd beat him to the alter. Well, things don't always work out that way.

He is now married, living in a nice house, has two dogs and two cats and .5 children. Things are going swimmingly for him. Well, when his wife is happy, anyway.

When I was last over to his place we sat around shooting the breeze and talking about life and such. His wife came back from the store with some milk and other things. His house is well sound proofed and unless you really listen for it, you can't hear someone coming home. Just as we realized that she was home she storms into the house. John and I both in synchronization said, "Hi, Honey!" I don't have the hots for her, but I'm practicing for plural marriage reversed from the way we think of it today. My wife will appreciate the effort to see it from you point of view.

John's wife didn't seem to even hear us. Instead she puts down the milk carton and slams the other plastic bag of food on the counter while screaming at her husband. "You couldn't get up off of your f***ing a** and help me!? Let me just do it all my f***ing self! Uh!"

With this she started to beeline off toward the bedroom but not before she had the chance to take her sunglasses off and hurl them at the approaching John. He started to follow her in attempts at reconciliation but was meet by a slammed door. John looked at me and shrugged, "Well, if you ever get a pregnant wife this is what you have to look forward to." We had a quiet laugh about the whole thing knowing that we could do nothing else about it.

While sharing this experience with a female friend of mine she started to attack me for it. I don't see how it really involves me. She complained that I was not compassionate enough to the changing hormones of women. Perhaps she may be right. But then the conversation shifted and has now changed the focus of this post. Do women blame a lack of emotional control on pregnancy or periods?

See, I know that girls have hormones that we men don't understand. I can accept the fact that they make women emotional. I have bad days too. I even have learned that men have a form of a menstrual cycle that effects them emotionally too. The difference is that Women sometimes, it seems to me, use this excuse to blow their top.

How many times has this happened: a girl looses her temper at something and someone justifies it for her by saying, "Oh, well, she is just going through a visit from her Aunt Flow."? If she wasn't menstruating she would likely have similar emotions to the situation but she might just keep her cool because she has nothing to blame it on.

I had a friend of mine who used to be the boss of several women. Whenever they needed some time off they would explain to him that it was "a woman thing" and he had no recourse to stop them. Eventually he started to realize that they were having 2 to 3 "woman things" a month. He secretly kept a "flow chart" as he called it for 2 months until he had everybody's schedule down. When they would request time off for "special needs" he would check his flow chart and in no time that excuse was practically obliterated.

Women, look deep inside of you. When something makes you angry and it's that time again do you half justify your feelings by thinking to yourself that it is because of the calendar?

My argument is that we all have emotions. We all have bad and worse days. The whole purpose of being on this earth is so we can learn to control our bodies. There is never any excuse for loosing it, no matter how comforting it is to have a scapegoat. It may be harder some days or others, but we all are given power over our bodies and can maintain control if we try. "It's ok officer, I know I shot him and chopped him up into small pieces and served him to you as gumbo for six months, but I was menstruating when I did it. You understand right?" What jury in the world would convict her now? Those fried green tomato girls got away with it.

An excuse is nothing more than that, an excuse, regardless of what is going on inside. I know that pregnant women have strong emotions and will need special treatment. I know she might just start crying in the middle of the night for now apparent reason. I know that she may get angry at me for what I view as a molehill while it's a mountain to her. But the goal of control over our mortal bodies is our conquest. Excuses get us nowhere in life.

So, let's have it. Bash me as a chauvinistic pig. Say I'm insensitive. Remind me that this is why I am still single. Attack me on any personal level you wish. But ask yourself honestly if I really am all that wrong.

12 comments:

Rare Insights said...

Wow, I'm the first to post. This is exciting.

While growing up, my mother always taught me to take responsibility for myself and told me not to blame others for what I do. I have taken that to mean blaming hormone fluxes as well.

As close friends are aware of, I am severely different than most people in many ways. One way is that I have tried to keep under control most emotions that are on the lower end of the happy scale. I can proudly say that when I am on my period, well-as soon as I was in college, I do not get angry, I start getting a little emotional but only when watching movies, I get a little more sentimental...and I get X-ray vision. I'll explain that in detail if you want to know later.

I used to blow up when I was younger, chalking it up to my period then but my mom told me I still had a choice to choose how I would act, react and feel. So there you have it. I got older, got a little smarter, and began to dive into myself wondering what made me tick, why I reacted the way I did and now it's so easy to brush off the little things in most cases.

Free Agency to the other end of the spectrum of humanism.

I say it's a personal choice. This is for most people who have normal bodies. Some chicks now, some chicks have severe chemical imbalances and they need drugs or a better diet...

It might be a little harder to reign in emotions while one's in heat and to realize that you're actually getting there. Some of us don't keep calendars and just forget. How can we forget? Well, some have signs before hand, back pain, bloating, sensitive chests...so they tell us when we're going to start.

Being pregnant...I don't really remember much of my mom's pregnancies (I'm the oldest of 7). I just remember having to make lots of brownies, ride my bike for miles in search of ice and always being out of the house. My mom always took the tv away when she was pregnant so we'd stay outside and play. We could only come inside to eat and go to the bathroom.

**I wrote this and only now did I go back to read the last three paragraphs of your blog...oops***

I still think it would be great if men would take a week to be women and vice versa. What an interesting place this would be.

Anonymous said...

You insensitive, misogynistic, chauvenistic, idiotic typical male. You're feigning to understand the plight that us women go though.

Anonymous said...

Wow! You are brave to even give your two cents on this topic. Me being pregnant at this very moment and having the baby in exactly 7 days, I think I have a right to comment on this one for sure! I have to say that every time we as women get mad or upset it dosen't always have to do with hormones! I'm so sick of people thinking it does. My mother in law always blmaes hormones and it's not alwasy the case. For me at least! Yes sometime I know it's hormones and that is when I'm not sure why I'm feeling the way I feel. After it's over I can look back and say yep that was hormones. I can be mad just to be mad if I want and it has nothing to do with my period or pregnancy! I think the world just likes to have something to blame everything on and this just happens to be it for women. So until you get your period or get pregnant I think you might want to do more research on the matter. Even once you are married this stil won't give you the right to act as if you know it all!!! Just because one girl who happens to be pregnant and was in a bad mood that night dosen't justify you thinking it's all girls!

Davey From The Block said...

Jared, that was a bit chauvinistic.

-Dave (shrug)

Shaleen said...

Ok, here's one thing: I hate it when hormones are blamed for bad reactions/actions. That being said, why don't people ever blame them for the good things too? They do cause them after all.

As for me, I am a somewhat emotional person as it is...when that time comes around I find myself to be even more sensitive and I find it much more difficult to not be hurt by others or to hold in whatever anger I may feel. I do blame it on hormones. The fact that those emotions are sharpened are due to a chemical imbalance that I have. I just don't verbally blame them, or use them as an excuse.

Usually when I'm in one of those "moods" and I end up hurting someone or being harsh with them, I realize it very quickly and try my best to make amends. I don't want or expect people to give me a break just because I'm female. That's just bull.

However, Jared, I do agree with Allison.

This entry appears that your basis of argument stems from just this one occasion. Now, I'm not sure if that's the case or if this is the one that "broke the camel's back" per se. But from this entry I would suggest that you look into the whole issue a bit more. There are so many ramifications/factors to this thing, I would just like to see you looking at everything from as many, if not all, the angles you can.

There's my two cents, take it as you will.

E.Marie said...

HAHAHA!!! You sure are a brave person with some of the stuff you post.
The hormone thing is a hard topic. really you just got to get over it.
I dont know if im being to like my dad when im saying get over it to myself. but you know it happens and well at least it isnt all the time.
Laters

Becky said...

Well, I agree with you Jared. Women need to stop blaming all their emotional outrage on hormones and PMS. It is ridiculous in my opinion. To justify outrageous emotional outbursts with menstration is silly in my opinion. Women can't continue use a period as an excuse cuz guess what, all (or most) women go through the same thing and we all don't act like crazy people. I get really peeved when a girl gets really mad or says something stupid and then apologizes with, "Sorry, it's that time of the month" Grr... it makes me so made. I'm shamed by my gender for that comment. Everytime a woman uses that excuse, somewhere a fairy dies.
In addition, I believe that if women shouldn't use the excuse, then neither can men. It peeves me just as much when a guy says after an emotional outburst from a woman, "Is it that time of the month?" As if a woman's emotions are controlled by hormones or some physical defect(it is a defect in my opinion). No, it isn't right. So, it goes both ways.
Neither men or women should use it.

Su Chong said...

Wow Jared, what a post =D I can tell you're having PMS right now.

BH said...

Sometimes in class we'd have a moody teacher come in and start scolding us for the littlest mistake we make, and when the bell rings and she storms out of the classroom we'd turn to look at each other and say "Definitely having a period"

But really, we are a pretty annoying class heh heh

Jared said...

When you only have a dialup connection at home, you get a lot of responce with late notice.

Thanks for your comments all. I hope my thoughts were transmitted succesfully. It seem like most of you got the jist of it.

I wonder where Anna is. She is the one who inspired this post. Also, where is Fei? She usually loves to bash me on these kinds of subjects.

Anonymous said...

How about you say the same thing when you feel like your uterus is being dragged behind a mac truck. Or better yet when you feel something poking underneath your ribs or sitting on your bladder. Or pushing something out of a hole that is way too small for anything THAT big to come out of. I feel bad for whomever you marry if you can't be compassionate when they hurt.

Rossie said...

A little late, but I want to throw my two cents in anyway.

No, hormones are not a good enough excuse for bad behavior - however, there are certain conditions that alter the level of hormones and chemical balances in the brain that many women experience and to be honest, you don't KNOW you're being a cow. It just seems like rational, logical behavior. But when everyone around you is telling you to stop being such a (insert suitably naughty word here) it's time to toddle off to the doctor...

As for pregnancy, it's different for everyone and then again for each child you have. When I was pregnant (two years ago! hurrah for time & distance!) my personality changed A LOT. I was not a nice, happy person to be around. The Relief Society trembled in fear when I walked by...well, not really, they just got confused, pained looks on their faces when I told them I was not going to have more kids after that one. Pregnancy SUCKS. Ick. Sharking your body with another human being - for that length of time anyway ;) - is awful.

I don't think you're demonstrating a lack of compassion at all. No man likes to get Super Cranky Woman in his face, screaming all his faults for the world to hear. But a little understanding goes a long way. So next time poor pregnant lady goes ballistic at you, or you find yourself in a den of mentsruating women, duck & cover and reassure yourself that you know better than you did before this post, i.e., keep your mouth shut as a survival tactic!