My Flat Buddy And Me...

I recently had a visitor here. I have had family and friends before. This time, it's a visitor like I've never had before. His name is Flat Hunter. If you are unfamiliar with the story of Flat Stanley, then you might be lost. Long story short, a kid gets squashed flat and gets mailed all around the globe and has amazing adventures. Well, my nephew, Hunter, recently got squashed as well. As a result of his current physical status, he decided to travel. He had some great options: Mesa, AZ; Tucson, AZ; Germany (with no hope of return); or worst yet - Queen Creek, AZ. Oh, wait, the coolest uncle in the world is currently living in Hawaii. That about sums up why I've had a visitor with me for the last few weeks.

Flat Hunter came to me a bit too flat. I cut out some cardboard in his image and taped the lad to it. Now he can stand on his own two legs. In the time I've had him he's seen the entire length and breadth of the island of Oahu. He was in a car that was broken into and vandalized, he almost got blown away over some of the most windy cliffs in the world, and he has had little sleep. Here is just a short snapshot of our last two weeks together.

Flat Hunter Arrives

At BYU-H

Royal Hawaiian Greeting

Guess Which One Is Flat Hunter

Trying On Chinaman's Hat

Blown Away At The Pali Lookout

Only Witness To A Crime...And He Refuses To Talk About It

Adult Humor

One is known for riding around the island on a piece of flat board...the other is a surfer...

USS Arizona Memorial

Hunter's Favorite experience

Going all of these places has really drained me. I also became envious a few times of Hunter. That girl in the bikini would never talk to me. The veterans at the Arizona would not talk to me. The photographer at the PCC wouldn't let me get a picture on my own camera, only Flat Hunter. And not only that, but every where we went, I had to pay and he got in for free. I guess it's true, there is a prejudice against us "plus size" people. I bet if I had a physique of Flat Hunter or Kate Moss I'd get the sweet life like him too. Hm...I wonder if that Atkins diet really works...

Jared's "M___________ In Mesa"...

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly bring before the audience a challenge. As you are likely aware, Jared, (that being myself) is either now or soon to be leaving Laie. Therefore, the catchy title, "Lost In Laie" is temporarily in violation of reality. The time has come to fix the name to more appropriately name this blog.

To add incentive to this task at hand, a reward of $500* (may not represent US currency) is to be presented in what will likely be in oversized novelty check form.

To keep with the theme, the name must take the form as stipulated in title of this post:

Jared's "M_____________ In Mesa"

Good luck to you, our loyal readers. May the most qualified and original person be victorious. Winner(s) will be announced once the official name is changed.

* = Item of equal or greater value may be substituted at the sole discretion of the prize committee at any time, for any reason, and with no notice.

I Get It Already...

Why is that people feel the need to frequently remind me of my weight? O.K. Yes, I get it. I am fat. Do you not think I have a mirror? Helen Keller could tell me I'm overweight. I don't need your input, Sherlock. When I really want your opinion, I will give it to you.

Jared Genuine Draft...

In my stint as a professional blogger I have had many ideas come and go accross my plate. Some have sat in embryo for months before being published. Some have never made the final cut, others have been taken appart and used cannibalistically for other blogs. To make this period of school finals easier on myself, I thought it'd be interesting to just post a pile of old drafts that have yet to see the light of day. These are all real posts waiting to be published...until now...

Laptop Recall...

(Dec 05, 2004)

It is my professional oppinion that no woman should be allowed to own a computer, especially a laptop. Now I see why men felt women were not allowed to have driver licences or vote for many years. Call me sexist, but I'm right!

I am working on making a petition to both Dell and HP to recall every laptop that has been in the custody of a female - especially collage age ones!

As a computer guy, I spend at least 90% of my time working on the nice laptops in posession of these incompetant girls...

Devolution...

(Feb 11, 2004)

Last night was an interesting look into the psychie of our campus students. It confirmed to me that they are quick to de-evolve.

One fun fact about life here in Laie is that our power lines are made of the cheapest material that will conduct electricity. I can't confirm this, but I'm pretty sure the cables running from post to post along the Kamehameha are string with a cheap coper coating. My bronzed baby shoes would be a better conductor. As a result, the power goes off more than my missionary friend Jessica's biological clock.

I was so tired of the power going off on my beautiful computer that I went out and bought myself what's known as a UPS (Uninterupted Power Supply). Long story short, it's a backup battery for my computer. You would be suprized how many times I have used mine on this campus. It came in handy again last night.

I was watching my clean flicks version of "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgendy". Suddenly all goes black any my computer recomends that I shut it down. The power was out. Since there was not much else to do, I went out too.

It was like Planet of the Apes except after everyone had a good shave...

Ethnocentrism...

(Feb 25, 2005)

This semester has been one filled with much more busy work that I am accustomed to. The reason for this is the I am taking some GE's (General Education Classes) that I had left until now. This semester it's Biology 100 and Communications 110. Both are classes that take up more time than I am willing to give.

In Comm 110 we study intercultural communications. I have to admit, this is something that is valuable on a campus like BYU-Hawaii. Just recently, we have been covering the concept of ethnocentrism. In many ways, every culture thinks that thiers is the best. There are some that expirence a reversal where they suddenly feel that thier own culture is horrible and adhere to another. A good example of this is returned missionaries that go to Asia, Polynesian Islands, or South America. They come back saying how rude Americans are and how that form of life it actually supirior. This has not made them less ethnocentric, but rather has changed which culture they feel is supirior.

Although this has been an interesting subject for class, I had not had a chance to really expirence it until recently.

I was in the computer lab. A girl we will call "Ur" came to me for help on her computer. (Remind me to do a whole post about girls and thier laptops sometime.) When she came in I was listening to one of my guilty pleasures, Gschinghis Khan. Their biggest hit hails from the year I was born - 1979. They are viewed as a sort of German Village People. This was a whole new concept for Ur and she appeared to be kind of wierded out by it. She asked me, "What is that you are listening to?"

I told her, "Oh, it's the wonderful world of German Disco! This is Dschingis Khan. I guess you never heard of it before?"

"You mean to tell me that you are listening to German...

Now It's Personal...

(Mar 15, 2005)

A person that has likely changed my adult life more than anyone else recently left a post on her blog bout blogs being either public displays or private thoughts. Much of her post spoke about me. Amoung our campus circle, I started the blogging trend. Back in that day I only had 2 friends doing it. My first few posts were aimless and lacked structure. Faye liked them better. Well, back then we were much more closely tied emotionally. So she cared about me on a deeper level than the average "passer by". And since she and those other two friends were the only ones who read it, I opend up quite a bit and was not so fearful of sharing the deeper puddles in my psychie.

I had an unfortunate expirence once by trying to make my blog amusing for the general public yet personal enought to catch attention. It was a blog in which I over dramatized a dating oprotunity with a girl. She then read it. She was angry - wackieness ensued. From then, I was a bit more cautious as to what I wrote. Perhaps my personal thoughts and emotions are not as ready for the public consumptions as I had thought.

I gradually have been phasing out more and more of my personal thoughts and deep feelings. I recenly went out on a limb again and explained to the world why I am fed up with the everyday American woman and to perhaps straighten out to myself why I have been dating Asians. Again I learned how hard it can be to temper a publicly entertaining blog while apeasing my close friends mentioned in it. If you read the comments you can tell that if those girls were vipers (literally) they would have doused me in venem a long time ago...

Purpose...

(Mar 22, 2005)

Not too long ago I had a thought provoking moment. What is my purpose? This is a question that I have pondered before, but have recenlty reevaluated. This comes in responce to a devotional we recenlty had on campus featuring President Packer, Acting President of the Quarm of 12 apostles.

He began by talking about the purpouse of this university. He was saying that it is not secret that many people come here with hopes of getting married. He himself was no exception. He seemed fine with that being a common reason for being here. "Well, We also hold classes..."

He told the story of him meeting his wife at BYU Provo. He admited that was his primary goal after the mission. He didn't even start to preach about the importance of getting an education. He made is sound secondary and being alright with that. The important thing is that I "should know who you are and why you are here."

I had forgotten that.

So, the big secret is now out. I'll tell the honest truth in case anyone didn't already now. I am not here for an education. I never was. I came here for the same reason Elder Packer did. He apparently is better than I am at obtaining it...

...139...138...137...

(Mar 25, 2005)

In the book of Matthew the Savior is asked how many times a man must forgive his neighbor. His answer was "Until seventy times seven". (Matt. 18:22) I have cleverly (and originally, I'm sure) calculated that up to 140 times. So the question begs, how many times do I have to forgive David and Richie?

The other two RAs here that I work with have just about run out. To be fair, Richie usually tries to make it better later. Either way, wrongs are made - frequently. Geez, let me count the ways.

Let's start with David...

So, what's up next for "Lost In Laie"©®™? Who knows. I take suggestions and most importantly, bribes.

What To Do On A Date...

I'm not sure if you are very familiar with MST3K*. That's the short hand for "Mystery Science Theater 3000". It's a show that used to be on Comedy Central. It was, in a word, brilliance.

There is an episode where they take small shorts from the 50's and make fun of them. One of them is called, "What To Do On A Date". In this episode some dorky pimple-faced teen wants to ask Sally, or whatever, on a date but can't think of what to do. This equally dorky yet popular friend suggest, "Golly, how about something like a service project?" Then that works "swell" and a hay ride on a tractor is the next idea. The acting is as cheesy as the date ideas.

I don't think I could possibly do a single thing that they recommended in that video. Some were outdated ideas. Some don't apply to this locale. Some didn't even apply to this century. Mostly, they were corny and undersireable for any occasion.

So, when it comes to dating here, I usually seem to be at a loss for ideas. I don't have that much money, so I want something fun, somewhat lengthy on time, and cheap. The best think I could think of was Sunset On the Beach. This is where the city of Honolulu plays a movie on a giant screen on the beach just after the sun goes down. Its free, fun and takes 2 hours. One of the most important features is that it is far away from campus as well.

About 2 months ago I was set up on a blind date. Sunset on the Beach was the activity I chose. I knew that they show the movie every Saturday and Sunday. We got there on a Saturday afternoon only to see that it was canceled indefinitely. D'oh! We ate at a restaurant and I showed her around Honolulu instead.

Then last week I had that date with the girl that need the date just as bad as I did. This time I checked thier website just to make sure. They had brought it back. Yea! Just as we got there people seemed to be going home. It was my luck that moments before we arrived they announced on the PA that it had been canceled due to rain.

At this point it became apparent that this wonderful date idea is not the most reliable. I think it's come time to find new things to do on dates. This is where you come it.

HELP ME! I don't have what it takes to be a good dater. I need some fresh ideas. During the day I can think of many things to do, but night time in Hawaii is pretty dead. I need you to give me cheap but fun date ideas. I can get transportation, but I don't have a lot of equipment (BBQ's, volleyball nets, ect) or money (Washingtons, Lincolns, etc).

I need the collective mind power of all of you. Help a brother out! Leave comments and each one will be carefully reviewed and taken into consideration.

* = The premise was a guy worked for some whacked out people and was shot into space for an experiment where all he could do was watch horrible movies and try to invent new gadgets for his company. To keep him from going crazy he made robots out of spare parts on the ship, "The Satellite Of Love".

When you watch the show it's a real movie, but with the "B" rating or lower. At the bottom of the screen they have the silhouette of Joe (the employee) and his two best robot friends, Tom Servo and Crow. Throughout the course of the movie they make jokes and comments on it. This is the one and only time that I want someone to talk during movies I watch.

100 Years...

In Biology today we were discussing death. We were handed a longevity quiz. This self test will supposedly tell you in 20 questions or less how long you will live. Curious as to how long you have left to repent?

Will You Live To Be 100?*

Do you smoke or chew tobacco, or are you around a lot of secondhand smoke? Yes (-20) No (0)

Do you cook your fish, poultry, or meat until it is charred? Yes (-2) No (0)

Do you avoid butter, cream, pastries, and other saturated fats as well as fried foods (e.g., French Fries)? Yes (+3) No (-7)

Do you minimize meat in your diet, preferably making a point to eat plenty of fruits, vegetables, and bran instead? Yes (+5) No (-4)

Do you consume more than two drinks of beer, wine, and/or liquor a day? (A standard drink is one 12-ounce bottle of beer, one wine cooler, one five-ounce glass of wine, or one and a half ounces of 80-proof distilled spirits.) Yes (-10) No (0)

Do you drink beer, wine, and/or liquor in moderate amounts (one or tow drinks/day)? Yes (+3) No (0)

Do air pollution warnings occur where you live? Yes (-4) No (+1)

A. Do you drink more than 16 ounces of coffee a day? Yes (-3) No (0)
B. Do you drink tea daily? Yes (+3) No (0)

Do you take an aspirin a day? Yes (+4) No (0)

Do you floss your teeth every day? Yes (+2) No (-4)

Do you have a bowel movement less frequently than once every two days? Yes (-4) No (0)

Have you had a stroke or heart attack? Yes (-10) No (0)

Do you try to get a suntan? Yes (-4) No (+3)

Are you more than 20 pounds overweight? Yes (-10) No (0)

Do you live near enough other family members (other than your spouse and dependent children) that you can and want to drop by spontaneously? Yes (+5) No (-4)

Which statement applies to you?
A. "Stress eats away at me. I can't seem to shake it off." Yes (-7)
B. "I can shed stress." This might be by praying, exercising, meditating, finding humor in everyday life, or other means. Yes (+7)

Did both of your parents either die before age 75 of nonaccidental causes or require daily assistance by the time they reached age 75? Yes (-10) No (0) Don't know (0)

Did more than one of the following relatives live to at least age 90 in excellent health: parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents? Yes (+24) No (0) Don't know (0)

A. Are you a couch potato (do no regular aerobic or resistance exercise)? Yes (-7)
B. Do you exercise at least three times a week? Yes (+7)

Do you take vitamin E (400-800 IU) and selenium (100-200 mcg) every day? Yes (+5) No (-3)
Step 1. Add the negative and positive scores together. Example: -35 plus +40 = 5. Divide the preceding score by 5 (5 divided by 5 = 1).

Step 2. Add the negative or positive number to age 84 if you are a man or age 88 if you are a woman (example: 1 + 84 = 85) to get your estimated life span.

As for me, well, I could live longer. Everything above was a direct copy of the page, except I changed the values in the example to my score. I've been starting to feel old lately, but if this study has any accuracy, I'll be around for another 60 years. I guess I don't have to be in a hurry to move on in life after all...but I'm still impatient.

* = After completing a study of 150 centenarians, Harvard Medical School researchers Thomas Perls, M.D., and Margery Hutter Silver, Ed.D., developed this quiz.