Blood Scare...

The Chief, Thaddeus: Max, this will undoubtedly be the most dangerous mission you've ever gone on. You probably won't get back alive.
Maxwell Smart: If you're trying to scare me, Chief, you're wasting your time. I don't know the meaning of the word fear.
The Chief, Thaddeus: You'll parachute from six thousand feet.
Maxwell Smart: I think I just learned it.
- Get Smart (1965)

Phew!!! That was scary! I was on the cell phone making my usual rounds of calls home since I have free long-distance and unlimited weekend minuets this morning. Half way through the conversation I get a call from a number that I didn't recognize. I let it go. Then I called the number back after the conversation. The guy at the other end answered, "Aloha, Blood bank of Hawaii." First thing that came to my mind was, "Oh, my gosh! I've got Aids!"

I think you may remember a past blog about me donating blood. One thing I remember from every time I go in is lying on the table after my blood is drained, I'm "resting" and reading a stupid card they give you to pass the time. I think I have it somewhat memorized. When I realized it was the Blood Bank that was calling me, I thought back to it. "If you blood results come back with any positive results of disease or illness, you will be contacted via phone in a few weeks." How long was it since I last gave blood? How in the world did I contact an STD? The most contact I had with a girl in the last...long time was a hand shake and maybe mild dancing. Seeing how much I dance and how terrible I am at it, that was most likely not a cause. Two weeks ago I watched a pro-abstinence video that used the scare technique. By the time I was done watching it, I was afraid to even make eye contact with a girl. They'd look at me and I freak out. "Get away from me you petrie dish of pestilence!!! I won't look into your eyes, you might suck out my soul! Leave this holy sanctuary of worship and never come back!"

"Uh, Jared, I'm in your class."

"Tempt me not spawn of Satan!"

I guess the problem I have with the law of chastity is not that I can't keep it. I have a hard time being able to break it. I won't even hold a girls hand unless my intentions are legit. And if I do like her and want to start a relationship, I'm to petrified to try it. You can see how this makes for a bad combination. The last form of anything "intimate" I had was a kiss last July (it's March). She lived in Vegas, I was in Arizona at the time. Not easy for follow-up visits, especially since I moved back to Hawaii shortly after. So there you have it. Nothing, but yet, the Blood Bank Of Hawaii finds it necessary to call me on a Saturday to tell me something that could be vitally important.

"Uh, yeah, I got a call from this number."

"Oh, yeah," the guy on the other end seems like he was just lying around at home and he got a call for his mom, "hold on a second."

Later a female voice on the other end chirps up, "Hello, Blood Bank of Hawaii."

"Hi, I got a call from this number." On the inside was saying, "I'll never do it again! I wont even share air with the opposite sex, I promise! Just let me go and sin no more!!!"

She asked my name in a very nonchalant way, almost too much so. If it wasn't so nonchalant, at least I'd know where this was going. Eventually she admitted the situation, "Ah, yes, Mr. Bodine. We were calling you to," here it comes..., "invite you to donate blood again." What!? That's it? "We'll be back on campus again soon and would like remind you. We could schedule an appointment now or you could do it then."

"Uh...I..." Thank you God, "I guess I'll just wait till they come and make an appointment then if that's ok."

"Sure, thanks for your time."

"No problem" and don't you EVER call me again unless I am dying of syphilis!!!

I think I'm gonna get that lady's home number and call her up on a Sunday morning. "Hi, ma'am. This is Dave Mechelhimer," That name sounds way to official to be made up... "from the county morgue. How is everything at home?" Ah...enjoy the awkward silence "I'm calling to...well...let me make sure I have the right household first. Can I get your full name?" She will ask what it's about, but I'll refuse to say anything until I verify her identity. "Ok, I got the right people, I was just calling to let you know that we are having an auction on Tuesday of all the leftover items from our dearly beloved who had no bereaved to inherit them. You are a valued patron and if you want you can reserve your seat now or just show up at the door. Thanks and have a wonderful day!" Click