Guam's Bottom Ten...

Yeah, this list was by far easier to compile than Guam's Top Ten. I try to be more optimistic than pessimistic, but finding my misgivings with Guam was easier than spotting a rusted-out abandoned car on the side of the road.

• 10. Traffic and Road Conditions
• 9. Distance
• 8. Public Utilities
• 7. Natural Disasters
• 6. Public Education
• 5. Cell Phone Coverage
• 4. Taxes
• 3. Shopping
• 2. Corruption and Nepotism
• 1. The DMV (a.k.a. The Devil's Armpit)

10. Traffic and Road Conditions

It's a sad thing when the main road in Guam, Route 1, looks like it still has bomb holes from WWII. I have to bob and weave like a dizzy George Foreman to avoid flattening a tire on a lazy Sunday drive. The only parts of the road where you could go fast are so congested you wonder where all of these cars could have come from. I've heard that there is an average of two cars per person on this island - and it's a small island.

9. Distance

In order to visit my family I have to travel half way around the world and pay about 2 grand. Good thing they in the western US.

8. Public Utilities

Power, water, telephone, garbage collection. All things that you should never depend on if you live here. The constantly inflating power cost is about 4 times per kilowatt hour as it is in mainland US, if it happens to be on that week. The water is technically safe to drink, but don't count on it. The Telephone system was so bad they had to try privatizing it so people would stop bashing the government. And the garbage men leave trash behind that little Asian grandmas are capable of putting out if it "feels" too heavy...assuming they manage to come around at all.

7. Natural Disasters

I've felt at least a dozen earth quakes in my first six months here. Luckily none big enough for damage yet. I've had two typhoon warnings and again, dodged the bullet. Anyone who's lived here long enough could tell you horror stories of weeks upon weeks without power and possibly food while hoping your house can get fixed. That is part of the price of paradise.

6. Public Education

I heard that the public education in Hawaii was the worst in the 50 states. If they included the territories and protectorates, I'm sure Guam would be the top of that list. I have a friend who used to teach in Guam's public school system (GPSS). GPSS is so poor that she had to provide pencils, paper and even toilet paper for her own students. That was out of her paycheck and with the assumption that that week her check wouldn't bounce. GPSS's water bill is so far behind payments that Guam waterworks authority has had to threaten and even take away the water. Power bills are in the same status. And the only main office supply company has such a bad past with GPSS that they only take orders with cash in hand.

5. Cell Phone Coverage

Honestly, how hard can it be to cover an island that's only 10 x 40 miles?! They say that the US is about 4 years behind Asia and Europe on cell phone tech. For Guam, double that.

4. Taxes

My manager recently just got his 2003 tax return - at the end of 2007. If you pay late you sure as heck get notified quickly. Hypocrites.

3. Shopping

Every store on this rock has to import inventory. And for their trouble, they hike the price up beyond reason. Ordering online is a good idea, except you often have to pay international shipping. More often than not, any good online store won't even ship to Guam.

2. Corruption and Nepotism

If your family name is Cruz, Gutierrez, Calvo, Aguon or other select few, then you have it made. Through no effort on your own part, you can be elected into office or manage a very successful business (or get paid for doing nothing). Truly, in Guam it's not what you know, but who you kno...er...are related to. And once you've made it, you're in. The corruption at all levels of government is astounding. I particularly enjoy reading regularly of corruption in the police department that is supposed to be on our side. I'd say that a good 90% of all Guam's shortcomings could be cleared up if we had honest, qualified and trustworthy people in our government and institutions.

1. The DMV (a.k.a. The Devil's Armpit)

One year ago I had a dream of getting a Guam driver's license. After a mere one year, two mandatory $60 driver's ed classes, compulsory 6 month permit holding period, 50 clocked hours of practice driving, half a dozen trips to the DMV, hours of line waiting, a $20 written test, a two month waiting term for the road test, a $10 license fee, and, of course, the hair-pulling frustration of dealing with DMV employees, my dream came true. And don't get me started on the act of congress in cooperation with God that it took to get the DMV to change the incorrect spelling of my wife's name on her license. When the Rapture comes, I wouldn't stand too close to the DMV if I were you.




Don't take this post as my swan song for Guam. Goods and bads tallied up, we are not moving anywhere any time soon. The life and times of the Bodine Family are passing pleasantly. That day will come when its time to kiss Guam goodbye. For now, I continue silently taking notes on the oddities of life in Guam.