All of this fun email banter got me thinking of the funny stuff that has gone on in my email correspondence over the years. Since I switched to Gmail, I have not thrown a single email away. So in my free time I've been looking through my archives for funny, quirky or just down-right weird conversations. And below is the result.
March 4, 2009
Jared: "I don't think I'll ever get to the point of Mr. Universe. Probably not even Mr. Galaxy or Mr. O-Zone layer. I'd settle for Mr. Ambient Air."
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May 11, 2005
Wendy Hayes: "I was trying to keep a smile but due to my mood, they must have thought I was like a creature in the wild just bearing my teeth in hopes of keeping them at bay."
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August 4, 2006
Chris Rusch: "So you are one day ahead of us. You are in the "Future". I dub thee "Future Jared". Wise sage, who has seen things that will come, what wisdom dost thou have to impart with those of us stuck in the present. "Future Jared" will you use your powers for good, like the guy in the show early edition. Or can you only warn us of dangers to come.
So "Future Jared" other then living in the future, what other powers do you posses.
I am "Uncanny Sense of Direction Chris". I almost made the X-men."
Jared: "Ya, I could use a sidekick, "Uncanny Sense of Direction Boy." Sorry, You have to have "boy" attached to your title to be superhero sidekick. It's the law.
I can tell you something about the future...it will be Friday tomorrow for you. I know this, because it is Friday for me now as I am "Future Jared!" Able to leap a day in a single...well...leap! "
Chris: "Okay "Future Jared" what kind of superheroes will we be? Tough and gritty along the lines of the Punisher and Batman Begins. Or fun friendly like, well, I cannot think of anyone in particular, there are not many family friendly Superheroes anymore.
The first thing that we must do is to put weapons in the Magnum. Maybe some magnums if you know what you mean."
Jared: "Tuff and gritty is pretty cool now adays. Let's admit it, Aqua man in his horribly matching uniform scares no one. And I want to stay clear of any possible link towards the Ambiguously Gay Duo.
Definatly have to pimp out my Magnum. Maybe we could use some sort of pun, and make my car also act as a sort of weapon in and of itself, like, you know, the other magnum. It will also have the regular stuff: flame thrower, oil slicks, bombs, armor plating, guided missiles, cool but ultimately useless ejector seats...Oh, and cup holders large enough for those big 64 oz'ers at the gas station."
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May 7, 2004
LaDawn (My sister): "With all the information you shared with me in your last e-mail, what I found to be the most informative was that you call yourself Suzan in your own internal dialogues. I'll have to ask Dr. Phil about that one."
Jared: "I think calling my self Suzan is perfectly reasonable. Dr. Phil calls himself Loretta."
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July 2, 2004
Jared: "I have one new mom thing for you. We went to Sossburg again and got a giant Doner Kabab. After watching the guy cut the meat off the huge carcass and while eating, mom says, "This is just chicken."
"Mom, how big were the chickens when you grew up?"
"I'm telling you, it's chicken."
I took some footage of a guy slicing off the huge slabs and embarrassed mom some more. Chalk that one up to the list."
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September 28, 2004
Kris (My brother): "
TOP TEN ACTIVITIES on the EUROPEAN FAMILY VACATION '04
10. Shopping at "StraussMart"
9. Hearing Dad dissing the Italians with "they can cook and sing but can't do ANYTHING else" comments in front of a bunch of Italians in Italy
8. Hearing Mom say she was Ok while climbing up a steep ice cave (meanwhile practically coughing up blood)
7. Watching Dad bow "thank you" to everyone like a Chinese diplomat
6. Hearing Mom try to speak Spanish to everyone she met in France, Switzerland, Belgium, Italy, Netherlands, and Germany
5. When Dad pinched Aaron on the butt
4. When a teacher (who turned out to be American), behind us standing in line for the Vatican, interupted one of Ladawn and Aaron's typically choice conversations with "I just wanted you guys to know that I have students coming and they're going to hear everything you're saying"
3. Eating flesh loaf at a highway restaurant
2. When Dad hit his head on a sneeze guard in France
and finally........
1. When Mom used a men's urinal in Venice and said "gee, that toilet was kind of low!"
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February 18, 2006
LaDawn: "No, I don't have much time for TV. I'd have to lose sleep to do it and frankly, sleep is way more important."
Jared: "That is your problem. There is always time for tv. Why not when you fold laundry, or when you leave the kids unattended in a bathtub full of water playing with their favorite paper weights and toasters?"
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December 30, 2006
LaDawn: "Well, I guess every mom is crazy (except for me)."
Jared: "Oh, and by they way, you are crazy too."
LaDawn: "crazy's all relative"
Jared: "yes, crazy is all relative, and all of my relatives are crazy... :)"
LaDawn: "I knew you were going to say that."
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December 18, 2006
Jared: "If you heard the rumors about Jared, they are true...
No, not that rumor, I didn't collect backed-up hair in the dorm room showers to sell to wig makers. But the other rumor is true:
I, Jared Bodine, have actually convinced a girl to marry me. And a smart, wonderful and attractive one at that! "
Jarrett Mills: "miracles never cease do they?"
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December 29, 2008
Jared: "So is this triathlon talk true? That's way cool. I could never get into that. Too much sweating and what not. I'm getting winded just writing this email."
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May 29, 2004
Rebecca Monson: "A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. [...] Polar bears are left-handed."
Jessica Monson (to Jared): "AREN'T YOU LEFT HANDED?"
Jared: "Yes. Yes I am...and I'm also half pig (most girls tell me that I am one anyway...)"
Jessica: "eeewwwww (full body shiver)"
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August 9, 2006
Jared: "You know [Jessica] hasn't said one word to me since a week before her marriage. I called, no answer. I left a message, no call back. I emailed, nothing."
Rebecca: "Since they got married it is even hard for me to get an answer out of them. Getting an answer out of them is like herding cats or trying to nail jello to a tree."
Jared: "They are overly twitterpated. Someone should slap them."
Rebecca: "I'm first in line! They are overly twitterpaited...but I guess in marriage you wouldn't want it any other way!
Jared: "Ya, true that. When I'm married, you'll never know if I'm alive. In fact, I'm changing all email addresses, phone numbers, mailing addresses, my legal name, my gender...well, maybe not that one."
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May 4, 2004
Jeff Taylor: "I am so lucky to be your friend."
Jared: "Uh, I'd say the same but...well...ya know..."
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June 4, 2004
Jessica Monson: "this made me think of you:
When talking about Margaret Dumont, the actress who frequently played the inept dowager who acted as a punching bag for Groucho's verbal insults, she claimed the secret to their chemistry is that she never understood what he was saying."
Jared: "So, the only reason you put up with me is that my humor and intellect is above you and you don't understand it...?"
Jessica: "truly you have a dizzying intellect....I'm saying that the reason we get along so well is that we don't understand each other or perhaps that's why we don't get along so well. chew on that one for a while..."
Jared: "Now chew on this...trident..."
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November 4, 2004
Jared: "So, did I tell you that I was single again? ya, i broke up with my Vietnamese girl. Every time we hung out i was just hungry again in an hour."
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July 24, 2003
Chris Lavoie: "You, sir, would be the man. Fo' Shizzle My Nizzle."
Jared: "I'm not too sure if your "nizzle" is what i think it is,
but i would never NEVER "Shizzle" that."
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October 7, 2003
Jared (to sister just after child birth): "anywho congrats. give Aaron a pat on the back. I guess its the customary thing to do. Guys like to take all the credit for impregnating a girl and likewise for the actual birth."
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August 25, 2006
Jared: "It seems that either airports know to be in the slums, or the slums migrate to the airport. Either way, I want a golden paved and heavily armed special road to get there."
I know I have some more real gems in my archives somewhere. Maybe some day when I'm old and retired with nothing better to do, I'll find them all. Until then, only the ever watchful eye of the Google servers will know what humor lies untapped.
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