"I'm kinda like parsley on a piece of fish; I look alright but nobody wants me."
- Danny Thomas from "John's Business Trip" episode of "The Bickersons" radio program in the 1950's.
I first need to apologize for my dearth of posts as of late. I have found myself in no mood for putting my recent episodes on the World Wide Web. After a week of not even checking my own blog, I decided I needed to say something. Yesterday on my trip to Costco with Chris Rusch something hit me that I guess I should at least make note of. I missed another anniversary. I seem to be bad about these things. I do remember some of the more significant ones to me. This one I have never forgot before.
Chris is getting ready to go home for good once he graduates this week. I am getting ready to go home for Christmas the same time. The two of us will be going home single not leaving any girlfriends behind nor meeting ones upon arrival. His birthday is today. He is either turning 26 or 27. I recently hit 25. We began talking about these people who get married shortly after their missions and ourselves. I mentioned that I had been off of my mission for…uh…(quick math)…4 years!
In fact, it turns out that December 1, 2004 was the 4 year anniversary. I used to think that if I met a girl that wanted to go serve a mission first I could never wait. Now here I am and I could have waited for two sisters to serve. What’s more, I could have now been home long enough to wait for two consecutive terms of Elder service! I now know that any girl that says that she will wait for her missionary but then "can’t" is a liar. Take it from me, you can!
When I was finishing up my mission people asked me how long before I got married – like I had all of the control of that. I’d secretly hoped that I’d be one of those six monthers. I hate being teased or having to wait for stuff that I know should be coming to me. I’ve read my patriarchal blessing. I served my mission. I’d never had as much as a girlfriend at that time. I was due. I told people I’d like to at least be in a good relationship by one year. My goal was to be married within my two year mark. Two years to serve the Lord, two years to find my wife, maybe two more years until I have a child. I sure did have it all figured out. It’s kind of scary to think that according to my math, I’d be a newly made father by now.
Thanks to my "baby making machine" sisters I know what kind of work it takes to be a parent of young children. It seems like much work that I don’t know if I’d be ready for. I suppose that after being married for some time a preparing for it, I would be more prepared than I am now. But either way, I’m so focused on getting as much as a girlfriend again that I can’t even think about children now.
I have come to a realization about my odds. Let’s start with my history. First we have my Grandpa. He passed on shortly after I was born. I heard that he was a real bold guy. In a way, so am I. When it comes to girls I like, I’m as timid as a lamb. Perhaps he was too. I do know my grandma. She has real spunk. She will walk right up to you and tell you how fat you are, how ugly you are, and why she thinks you are lazy before she knows your name. I imagine that she probably picked him up by his collar, shook him and said, "You will marry me, got it?!"
Then we have his son, my father. At the age of 25 my father got married. He was engaged at my age when he turned 25. Want to know how? When he proposed to my mom she thought he was kidding. If she knew he was dead serious she would have likely turned tail and run. Eventually she realized it was no joke. After plans got firmed up and things got serious my mom decided he was good enough and married him anyway.
Next we have the example set forward for me by my brother. He is 10 years older than me. He has had probably about as many girlfriends as I have and is no where near being married any time soon. If you knew him as well as I do, you'd guess that he'll never get himself a wife.
So there you have my heritage. She either makes me marry her, I trick her into it, or I just don't marry at all.
Next we have math. There are about 7 billion people world wide. That sounds promising. But I will have to marry a member of the church. Now we have only 11 million people world wide. Well, that seems to be many still. But only about 6 million of those are female. Divide that further by the sad fact that only half of those are active. How many of those 3 million are even of dating age for me (18-25)? Probably about half a million. How many of those speak English? Since there are more members outside of the U.S. it would be less than half in America. Other countries speak English, so lets say about half of that I could have a decent conversation with. Now we are down to 250,000 from 7 billion.
But we are assuming that these are all single! I bet only half or less are single. So, 125,000 girls left. Would I actually be interested in any of these girls? Judging by the odds on this campus and at home, I have seen myself only attracted to maybe at best one in ten of the girls here (this implies physically and/or emotionally). So, one tenth of that is 12,500. How many of those will like me? I admit that some girls do find me attractive. I’d say maybe one in twenty. Well, that means 2,500 girls left.
Now, I dare say that there are only 2,500 girls in the whole world of 7 billion to find. What are the odds that I will meet these select few? .0000004 to 1. That’s a small number? How many will I even meet in this life anyway? I’d be happy if it was at least one for every 10. So now we have only 250. And just because there are 250 girls that I could like and that would like me, what makes me think we will get our act together and both agree to marry, without having too much baggage or hang-ups? If all goes well, I will meet that girl which is now (250/7,000,000,000) .00000004 in 1 (one more zero than before).
Final numbers: I need to find one of 250 girls I could possibly conceivably marry and my odds of finding her are .00000004 to one. Once I find her I have to hope that she will make me marry her or that I can trick her into thinking that I am kidding when I propose. Talk about Mission: Impossible!
I was sharing these odds with someone once and they said, "Maybe, but all you need is one."
I think all I need is a miracle.
Before I go any further, I want to qualify this post with a general mood. I am not depressed about this. I am admittedly disappointed with myself. I feel that I have dropped the ball somewhere. I think I need to work on tact and perhaps should be put through some sort of "dating boot-camp" but I’m not super depressed. I think that the silver lining to this post is that I did forget this unhappy anniversary.
Over the last three years, I never forgot to check for how long I’ve been home (down to the day) and been single for. This year, unless it happens to come up in conversation, I don’t dwell on it for too long. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t care any more or have given up, but either way, it’s not top of mind any more.
I have other anniversaries that I do remember, or at least try to. I am working on getting my families birthdays logged and remembered. I have a new service (add yours now at http://www.BirthdayAlarm.com
Ideally, in no time these unhappy anniversaries will be well forgoten for good. With God's help, my luck can improve and my odds increase.
He can make miracles happen.
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