School Of Fish...

The hours that I have to work and make back some of the cost of this trip home are few and far between. But, I made an important sacrifice to leave early one evening to attend a family reunion. It was one for my Grandma's family on my dad's side (get all that?). Last name: Fish.

Having felt confident that my last name was better than anyone else's in the room, I was comfortable walking in. I took a look around and realized that I was also better looking than any other person in the room. This is a sad thing if you know how I look.

In only seconds I was whisked away to take pictures. Then I had to fend off my nephews so I could sit down and avoid running around the halls with the 3-year-olds (well, I did some of that, but according to Braden, there were ghosts chasing us).

I was able to see an uncle once or twice removed that has been going to court over murder charges for defending his house. The details are fuzzy.

I also got to see old photos of my family. They looked like the same old photos of random strangers from the black and white era. To make it more interesting for the kids, photocopies were cut up to make puzzles. Disembodied heads and decapitated corpses filled the room.

While sitting, I was counting the seconds until an uncle of mine would approach me and give me the third degree on my marital status. Sure enough, like clock work, each one, one by one, came up to me and asked me about where my wife was. Grandma had her two cents on that and my current goatee. My aunt Bo was no exception. She even added a lecture on why I should try to get a job in Phoenix and stay there for the rest of my life. Does she want me to find a wife or live in Phoenix? I'm getting to think that the twain shall never meet.

One uncle, Bob, was half expecting a rundown of the dates I'd been on. He told me to start looking around. I did, but then noticed the dirty pilgrim expressions on the faces of the crowd. Then I remembered that I was related to these Fish. Not a good place to cast my bait.

While being happily distracted by a niece, my mom asked me to tell some of my female cousins about my American Woman post. I wasn't sure why. I didn't get any farther than, "...it's not about the body, it's about the personality..." when they were up in arms and shouting out complaints of domination and sexism. I was barely able to say that it wasn't so much about the Asian women, as that the American women are increasingly rude and insensitive. My cousins were saying that all Asian women were too submissive and have no backbone. They just do what the men like and that's why men like them. I actually took some offence to that. It then occurred to me that both of them have lived in Arizona almost their entire life. I doubted they have ever really known any Asian women. I told them it was unfair to say that all Asian women have no voice, creativity or free will of their own. To say that all Asian women are doormats is more offensive to Asian women that what I ever said about American women.

"Thank you. You have completely proven my point for me," was my last statement. Well, actually, it was my last thought on the subject. They were so forceful I never even had a chance to say that much. I gave up knowing I was in a lion's den, and these lions had blood on their mind. I guess they hadn't been fed their weak American metro-sexual man for the day.

Finally the food came out. We were told earlier that pizza was on the menu. I was just glad they chose not to pick the obvious and ironic main dish: fish. Instead, scores of old rolls with a piece of ham and a slice of cheese were brought out on platters.

We knew that it was some leftovers from lunch. We didn't mind. They were trying to get rid of some leftovers before the real entrée was served.

And about the time the rolls were gone we realized that there was to be no pizza.

The entertainment consisted of some inbred hillbilly playing his fiddle (poorly I might add). Then some other people singing ala the rejects from American Idol. Then awards were given out. I got the award for having come the farthest (Hawaii). My prize was a blank blue ribbon, with "Fish" hand written on it and a fish sticker at the top. It was difficult, but I managed to let myself go of it and give it to my niece.

When the whole mess was finally over we went home and ordered pizza. Then I got to spend time with my parents, sister, and her kids. That was a reunion that I felt comfortable in.

Regardless of the constant harassment and bouts with loneliness, I found a silver lining to being single: I only have one family's worth of family reunions to go to.