Escape From BYU-Hawaii...

Snake Plissken: “Got a smoke?”
Malloy: “[BYU-Hawaii] is a non-smoking nation! No smoking, no drugs, no alcohol, no women - unless you're married - no foul language, no red meat!”
Snake Plissken: “Land of the free.”
- Escape from L.A. (1996)

It’s only midterms, but my mind is already harrowed up the time when next semester is underway. I will be glad next year when I am no longer working 2 jobs. I will miss the money, but I need the break. Not only will I not be an RA next year, I don’t think I will even live on this campus. This comes after much trial and deliberation. Believe you me, I have my reasons.

First off, I am just getting WAY too old to be an on-campus duffus. At 25 and after being an RA for 2 years, I am starting to feel like I should be an actual dad, not just proxy for those darn premies™. Also, I have access to wheels now, so I can live out in Hau’ula or somewhere else and commute. More than anything, I’m tired of the hales. I’m tired of the white gloves, I’m tired of bed checks, I’m tired of “quiet hours”, and I’m tired of the constant control. But, regardless of all of these things there is one final decision that pushed me over the edge - A combination of money and the much applauded caf.

For some reason, the wonderful people at the much applauded caf feel that their tight grip of a monopoly wasn’t enough and so they are devising a plot to make a large disc that will cover all of Laie during the day, making us dependant on them as a source of electricity…wait, that was Mr. Burns. I have a hard time distinguishing the diabolical plots of the two. No, this time the evil ploy is to milk what pennies we humble students have left. The 15 meal plan is going up in price from $1300 to about $2100. (I did not do my homework on this yet, so my numbers are based on hearsay, not actual proof). I don’t think there is much they could do to make the extra $800 a semester worth it! If they start having waiters bring me the food, then we’ll talk. So, JD and I have decided we want to move out together and buy our own food at Costco and have girls over to watch movies and stay out after curfew and have a hot-plate or rice cooker or just about anything else that they keep you from doing on campus. Come 6 months from now, you’ll see a whole new Jared.

I figure that if I live off campus then I had better start to look the part. So, I will let my hair grow out and look like a 1975 druggie reject extra from “Saturday Night Fever”. I will grow “chops”, not just ordinary side-burns. I will also make sure I only shave once a week; and not on Sunday. I will shave on Monday so the testing center will let me in. Sunday is the day I will look the grubbiest. I will come to church in cut-off corduroys and slippers. I won’t own a single white shirt and even if I did, it still wouldn’t have a tie at the top of it. Ah, I can feel it now.

So, after all this time on our amusing campus and after countless meals in our much applauded caf, the time draweth nigh that I must bid adieu to the oppressing thumb that is our campus housing system. The time has come to shake of the shackles of our oppressors! Cast off the cast iron chokers that bind us! Rebel and live life as it was meant to be. The future is now! I have a dream! One small step for man! One giant leap for mankind! You want the truth?! You can’t handle the truth! I am not a crook! Don’t look behind the curtain! What-chew-talkin-bout-Willis?! You like me! You really like me! Tora! Tora! Tora! Open the pod bay doors, Hal! P-O-T-A-T-O-E! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! One Fish! Two Fish! Red Fish! Blue Fish! Danger Will Robinson! D’oh! Live long and prosper! Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful! This is the last aln lka ndfknl;k jk; w2iw h;o adhf kalhtdc tiasdqoihen @#$%#%^ TR%Q #$...

[*Clears Throat, smoothes back hair.*]

…I think my mind is drifting too far off course. Anyway, point is, next year I’ll be off campus.

(And as an interesting note, Microsoft Word’s spell check actually helped me correctly spell “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”.)

Malloy: “This is your last chance, hotshot.”
Snake Plissken: “For what?”
Malloy: “Freedom.”
Snake Plissken: “In [BYU-Hawaii]? That died a long time ago.”
- Escape from L.A. (1996)