Drowning In The Gene Pool...

I was home for Christmas and will be going back there again soon (not soon enough) for summer. Coming and going from my family has been interesting and educational. Mostly, it's lead to some sad realizations as I was able to compare them with normal people.

I have likely mentioned on more than one blog that due to hereditary I was doomed to wonder the globe single all of my days. I didn't make any mention of any of my other fun hereditary traits that have and will continue to doom me. After that self analytical experience, my mind was turned toward my physical birth defects. If you take my parents, and divide up all of their genes and then take the least desirable mix of each, you have me.

You see, I am what you call the "left-overs". When I show girls a picture of my brother Kris they think I must have been adopted and ask me if he is single (yes, by the way). He got the cream of the crop. Then came my three sisters. Then me - the parts of the gene pool no one wanted. I feel like I’m made up of those banana-flavored Runts that people only eat because there are so many of them in a bag and we don’t like to waste. Everyone really wants the heart shaped strawberry that you only see once if lucky in each bag.

Let's start from the top down:

• Hair

  - I have red hair. It has faded to brown over the years, but if you look back at the many pictures of me, you can see the bright locks. I also have the oddest paradox of both an oily scalp and dandruff. That comes from my dad.



• Eyes

  - I have beautiful blue eyes. Just look at that pic of me at the top of my blog page. They are, however, faulty. That beautiful blue hue is akin to putting makeup on a pig. I am extremely myopic. When at the doctor's chart I have to walk forward just to see the big 'ole "E". This gem from my mother's side cost me a grand and a half and a laser in each eye to fix. At least that one is behind me now.



• Nose

  - It's known world wide as "The Bodine Nose". It has cursed the children of the line since Jebediah Bodine crossed the Atlantic on the Juneflower (our family is always a bit behind). Nothing to be done about that. The worst feature of the nose is that all nose hair is easily accessible to the human eye. Seeing as how there are so many Asians on campus, they get a clean view from down there all the way up to my brain. On days where I have a cold I need to wear ear plugs in my nostrils. On the bright side, I can hang a spoon on my nose with ease; as well as most house hold utensils.



• Lips

  - If you were to see me as I type this, you would see a red spot on one side of my lower lip. Thanks to my mother, I have oral herpes. No, I don't have an Oedipus complex; it's just hereditary cold sores. At least once a year I go through it and it stays forever as I crack it open every time I smile or laugh. If you know me you know how often that is.



• Mouth

  - Next time I yawn, take a gander inside. You will notice two vacancies. When I was about 8 or so my baby teeth should have just about all fallen out when we noticed that some were just going nowhere. This, we came to find, was a trait my mother possessed in which some permanent teeth never develop. I don’t know exactly which ones they are, but some of my lower teeth are still babies and some of those died with no successor. Had I known about this, I might have brushed my teeth as a kid. I think that somehow my mom planned this so she could escape the nominal fee kids charge the tooth fairy. I say she owes me back payments for life.



• Chest and Back (and on down)

  - This one has only shown up post puberty. Due to genetics I was a late bloomer. Thus being the shorn one in the 7th grade locker room. Now that I am older and girls want a smooth man, I have a Persian rug hanging from my shoulders. Thanks mom...er...I mean dad.


Lastly:


• Skin

  - Eczema is a mild nuisance. Psoriasis however is just down right menacing. This is a paternal gift that I will treasure for life seeing as how it is incurable.
  
  But wait, there's more! I also have freckles. And to boot, I have a high susceptibility to skin cancer. It makes me glad to know my mother chose to raise me in Arizona, the cancer development center of the world. I wore a t-shirt every time I swam from conception to graduation. Once I rebelled because I hated the feeling of dragging in the water. After two hours I went home and had blisters on my shoulders that were big enough to be used as bean bag chairs. When I laid down that night and rested my head on my pillow it popped to reveal itself as an extra large one, drenching my actual pillow enroute. A bit graphic, perhaps, but you can feel my pain.

At this point any girl that was even remotely interested in me is trying to imagine what kind of kids I would produce or they have and are already trying to block relapses of such visions. That's fair. I think my only hope is to marry that chick from "The Fifth Element". She made red hair look hot. She was also genetically perfect and would more than make up for my many biological shortcomings. She was also a quick learner so learning English, helping the kids with homework, and picking up new recepies to try out for dinner would be a synch.

On second thought, she is a pretty short person and would be able so see right up my double barrel nose gun on even the cloudiest of days. Hmmm...rats...Cancel the wedding.

Anyone like bananas?