Families Can Study Together Forever...

...through Anna Bodine's plan...

So, the other night we had a married couple in our branch over for diner. He is a professor at the University of Guam (UOG). After dazzling him with my hi-tech lifestyle, he made the off-hand remark that if I only had a Masters he could offer me a job. I'm sure it was mostly in jest, but that moment something stuck in Anna's mind.

Anna has now decided that it's time for me to get my MBA. Ironically, I had just barely paid off my student loans from my bachelor's degree last week. Time to crawl back into debt, I guess.

It may seem that Anna is solely thinking long term and preparing us for financial security down the road. Well, yes, that too. But tonight her true and foremost motive came out.

Anna is supposed to be getting her Certified Public Accountant (CPA) credentials. She should be half way done and have 2 of the 4 tests completed. Rather, she's only studied a handful of the times she said she would and is not even starting to apply for the testing dates. She quickly gets bored after minutes of studying and really can't seem to motivate herself. I've tried everything I can think of to motivate her. Cooking, dish washing, free time, plenty of space, even bribes have not done the trick. She's has asked me to sit there and watch her study, but not talk or move because that will distract her. No matter how much you love someone, that gets old, real fast.

As soon as this whole MBA idea came up, she's had a quickness in her step. Every day she spends five minutes on the subject with my trying to push it along. Today she pulled out a stack of books to prepare me for the GMAT entrance exam that I have to take first. She got my chair all ready and couldn't wait for me to sit there and study with her. To her dismay, I had some things to do and no sense of urgency for the test, so I declined the offer to start. She then went back to unmotivated, reluctant study-girl.

This whole time, all she seems to be able to focus on are ways to get me to study with her. I think that if I were to study in the UOG library, she'd probably have me put off the MBA. I hope she actually finishes her CPA by the time I get my Masters. If not, I'll have no choice but to become "Dr. Jared." Could you imagine me a doctor? "Please, call me Dr. Jared." Now that's an odd sounding combination of words...

I Married My Mom...!?

It's now a bit over one year that I have been married to Anna. And I have to say, it's been great. But, over that time, I have had discovery after discovery that led me to one very disturbing conclusion. That old adage about a guy marrying a girl like his mother has unfortunately seemed to manifest itself in my life.

Want a list? Here we go.

• Naturally black hair
  
• Talks to herself, even when others can hear it
  
• Would rather sit quietly in the car alone than turn on the radio
  
• Practical to a fault
  
• Has a black thumb - accidentally kills more plants than successfully grows
  
• Has never burned a CD
  
• Goes on mad cleaning sprees occasionally and brings you along - like it or not
  
• Passive Aggressive
  
• The instant something goes wrong, instinctively yells out the name of her spouse
  
• Skeptical of just about everything
  
• Occasionally is seen "exercising" in the bedroom in a manner that looks more like an outdated 50's dance
  
• Her jokes are not "funny haha" but rather "funny Hmmm"
  
• Facts are only relevant when they support your preconceived notions
  
• When trying to yell something a far distance, the sound just gets higher in pitch - neither one can be heard from a distance (except by animals)
  
• Believes not all wives's tales are true, just the ones she grew up with

I could name more if I took some more time. Don't take me the wrong way, I love all of these things about Anna (except the cleaning spree). And there are some things both have in common that anybody can appreciate.

• Loving
  
• Caring
  
• Sincere
  
• Honest
  
• Trustworthy
  
• Understands me
  
• Loves me

This is not to say that I'm going Oedipal or anything like that. Just one of those funny quirks of life that I have stumbled into. I've asked Anna to tell me in what ways I'm like her dad. The only one she could think of was that we both like Hi-tech stuff. Well, at least I won't have to be freaked out by her accidentally calling me "daddy" one day...

Bu-hu for Hulu...

I'm not quite sure how I stumbled upon it. One day during my constant search for technological enlightenment, I discovered a site called Hulu. This site is one of the many new services that offers high quality video streaming of some of the best TV shows available. Nearly any TV show I ever have a hankerin' for is there. And, it's all free. The interface is nice. The selection is good. The service is speedy. What's not to love?

I send in my request to be part of the exclusive membership. I was approved and rushed to the URL of new opportunities. I filled out my customer number, added my zip code and viola! I was on.

Oh the selection! What to watch first? Classic Simpsons humor? Edgy Family Guy moments? Gripping Prison Break suspense? How about exploring new shows like "Total Recall 2070"? In less than five minutes my decision making efforts proved fruitless.

Attempt after attempt brought the same result: "Unfortunately, this video is not currently available in your country or region. We apologize for the inconvenience." Quothe the Simpsons, "D'oh!"

Just as I think I can enjoy some of the perks of American ingenuity my locale stops me short again. As usual, I had to send an email to support explaining that Guam is in fact part of the very same United States that they know and love. My email is below.

I live in Guam (96913). It is part of the US and is American soil. We have 110 power, use the United States Postal Service, drive on the right side of the road and even hate our local DMV as much as any US city. But often we are the forgotten "little guys" that appear not to be on the fringe of the US, but rather, part of some foreign entity. Sadly, Hulu is part of the mistaken many. The elation of my recent registration was quickly hampered by the denial of service for each requested video. Oh the humanity!

Please, do what you can to ensure that us red-blooded Americans who enjoy Hollywood hilarity and dicey drama get the privilege of joining you in the mirth and merriment of the small screen.

Sincerely,

Jared Bodine, Guam resident and true American.

I haven't heard back yet, but I hope my creative writing and light tone might just win over enough hearts to get the job done. I have had to explain the situation of Guam's political alignment so often that I've decided to prepare a form letter that may be used for any occasion.

I figure by the time I have it completed and succeed in getting all major US enterprises to recognize Guam, I'll have left the island, created my own company, and will have left "GU" off the pull down list for "State."

Computa Crackahs Be Dangerous...

I subscribe to a Word of the Day list from Whatis.com, a computer geek site. Today's word was "Rootkit." Although I knew what a rootkit was, I was sure surprised by some info in this one.

"A rootkit is a collection of tools (programs) that enable administrator-level access to a computer or computer network. Typically, a cracker installs a rootkit on a computer after first obtaining user-level access..."

What?! Did I read that right? Crackers such as myself install rooktits? I know that statistically Caucasians are more likely to be involved in this, but really, I don't think this is any reason to bring race into the matter.

What's next?

"Typically, a Russkie sends a phishing attack to rob you blind..."

Guam's Bottom Ten...

Yeah, this list was by far easier to compile than Guam's Top Ten. I try to be more optimistic than pessimistic, but finding my misgivings with Guam was easier than spotting a rusted-out abandoned car on the side of the road.

• 10. Traffic and Road Conditions
• 9. Distance
• 8. Public Utilities
• 7. Natural Disasters
• 6. Public Education
• 5. Cell Phone Coverage
• 4. Taxes
• 3. Shopping
• 2. Corruption and Nepotism
• 1. The DMV (a.k.a. The Devil's Armpit)

10. Traffic and Road Conditions

It's a sad thing when the main road in Guam, Route 1, looks like it still has bomb holes from WWII. I have to bob and weave like a dizzy George Foreman to avoid flattening a tire on a lazy Sunday drive. The only parts of the road where you could go fast are so congested you wonder where all of these cars could have come from. I've heard that there is an average of two cars per person on this island - and it's a small island.

9. Distance

In order to visit my family I have to travel half way around the world and pay about 2 grand. Good thing they in the western US.

8. Public Utilities

Power, water, telephone, garbage collection. All things that you should never depend on if you live here. The constantly inflating power cost is about 4 times per kilowatt hour as it is in mainland US, if it happens to be on that week. The water is technically safe to drink, but don't count on it. The Telephone system was so bad they had to try privatizing it so people would stop bashing the government. And the garbage men leave trash behind that little Asian grandmas are capable of putting out if it "feels" too heavy...assuming they manage to come around at all.

7. Natural Disasters

I've felt at least a dozen earth quakes in my first six months here. Luckily none big enough for damage yet. I've had two typhoon warnings and again, dodged the bullet. Anyone who's lived here long enough could tell you horror stories of weeks upon weeks without power and possibly food while hoping your house can get fixed. That is part of the price of paradise.

6. Public Education

I heard that the public education in Hawaii was the worst in the 50 states. If they included the territories and protectorates, I'm sure Guam would be the top of that list. I have a friend who used to teach in Guam's public school system (GPSS). GPSS is so poor that she had to provide pencils, paper and even toilet paper for her own students. That was out of her paycheck and with the assumption that that week her check wouldn't bounce. GPSS's water bill is so far behind payments that Guam waterworks authority has had to threaten and even take away the water. Power bills are in the same status. And the only main office supply company has such a bad past with GPSS that they only take orders with cash in hand.

5. Cell Phone Coverage

Honestly, how hard can it be to cover an island that's only 10 x 40 miles?! They say that the US is about 4 years behind Asia and Europe on cell phone tech. For Guam, double that.

4. Taxes

My manager recently just got his 2003 tax return - at the end of 2007. If you pay late you sure as heck get notified quickly. Hypocrites.

3. Shopping

Every store on this rock has to import inventory. And for their trouble, they hike the price up beyond reason. Ordering online is a good idea, except you often have to pay international shipping. More often than not, any good online store won't even ship to Guam.

2. Corruption and Nepotism

If your family name is Cruz, Gutierrez, Calvo, Aguon or other select few, then you have it made. Through no effort on your own part, you can be elected into office or manage a very successful business (or get paid for doing nothing). Truly, in Guam it's not what you know, but who you kno...er...are related to. And once you've made it, you're in. The corruption at all levels of government is astounding. I particularly enjoy reading regularly of corruption in the police department that is supposed to be on our side. I'd say that a good 90% of all Guam's shortcomings could be cleared up if we had honest, qualified and trustworthy people in our government and institutions.

1. The DMV (a.k.a. The Devil's Armpit)

One year ago I had a dream of getting a Guam driver's license. After a mere one year, two mandatory $60 driver's ed classes, compulsory 6 month permit holding period, 50 clocked hours of practice driving, half a dozen trips to the DMV, hours of line waiting, a $20 written test, a two month waiting term for the road test, a $10 license fee, and, of course, the hair-pulling frustration of dealing with DMV employees, my dream came true. And don't get me started on the act of congress in cooperation with God that it took to get the DMV to change the incorrect spelling of my wife's name on her license. When the Rapture comes, I wouldn't stand too close to the DMV if I were you.




Don't take this post as my swan song for Guam. Goods and bads tallied up, we are not moving anywhere any time soon. The life and times of the Bodine Family are passing pleasantly. That day will come when its time to kiss Guam goodbye. For now, I continue silently taking notes on the oddities of life in Guam.