Have You Lost Weight...?

"My mom says that I’m not fat, I’m festively plump." – Eric Cartman from South Park

There is a burden to be born when having two homes. I live in both Hawaii and Arizona. In both places there are people and places that are near and dear to me. I cannot be in both places at the same time, and therefore must put aside one for the other. Yet, there is always one good reason for leaving one to the other. See, it’s all about image.
There is something about myself that I have discovered recently that is a unique phenomenon. I think I first discovered this about a month ago when I ran into the Tupolo’s from Moloka’i. Michael, the youngest boy of the family, came to check in as a new student. I recognized him almost immediately, and vice versa. If you are reading this, you know that I served a mission here in Hawaii from 98 to 2000. I served in Michael’s ward. He figured it out when I told him I served in Moloka’i. First thing he said was, “oh, you must have lost weight.” “ya, I guess I did. Less rice everyday, ya know.”
Then I saw his mom again for the first time in 3 years. She thought I looked familiar at first, but couldn’t explain it. Then I told her. “Oh, you have lost weight.” “Ya, sure.” A week prior I ran into one of my old ward mission leaders, Jake Burden. He asked the same thing. A few weeks later, I ran into the Meneha family, who moved to Laie lately. Same question. Last semester I ran into the Kimokeo’s of Kahalu’u. Same.` Bro Forseith of Hale’iwa. Same. The Justicesons, formerly of Waialua now Laie, same. Last week a girl I haven’t seen for a few weeks saw me. She asked it too.
That was enough for me to figure it out. The memory of Jared is fatter than the presence of him. I have achieved the almost impossible fatness level that even David Copperfield couldn’t obtain. Every time you see me after a gap of time has passed, I appear to be several pounds lighter although in fact, no change has occurred. What an illusion!
If I say I am fat, no one has any problem with telling me that I am not, I am right in the perfect balance. I am neither fat nor skinny. I am the alpha of weight and the omega. I have achieved Fat Zen.
I shared my thoughts with a friend from the caf today, Jeff. He looked at me and said, “That’s odd. I thought you lost weight this summer, didn’t you?” Case closed.
Now if only I can convince them that I am actually skinny while in their presence. Or even better, muscular…